Hi Anita,

It’s the “paste” function that doesn’t work here; the source of that ‘paste’ is not relevant.  “Copy” simply places the highlighted text or image into temporary memory storage (“Clipboard”), and “Paste” dumps the content of the ‘clipboard’ into the active input field of a document or web page (such as this ‘reply to’ text entry box).

Hate to spin off on a technical tangent; it’s a little like my Zoom meetings, where the technology can interfere with the flow of a meeting sometimes: problems logging in, people forgetting to mute or unmute their microphones, frozen or choppy video, stuttering or slow audio (which ironically enough can sound like the speaker is pretty well sloshed 🙂   ), and other minor things that pop up.

Besides… it’s over.  All I can do is be who I am, and the real sting for me is that this was the first time I tried to be fully and authentically who I am (or who I see myself to be), and to have that first foray end like this is disheartening.  What I was surprised to learn from all this was the apparent depth of my desire for a clean start, to shed the baggage of my past.  To be seen with fresh eyes that don’t also see all of the not-so-good things that happened in years past, as is the case with my current situation.  When my wife looks at me, she sees more her idea of who I am, and a lot of past associations… sort of a composite image-over-time, not who I am right now.  It’s tough to get past things when they keep getting brought up on a regular basis.  There are things I’m trying to improve about myself and my behaviors, and when I frequently “get my nose rubbed in it,” it’s both irritating and engenders a feeling of “what’s the point, what’s the use?”

Of course, I know that the point, the use, is for me to improve myself *for* myself; improving myself for others is simply a by-product of that.  Still… it feels like trying to swim with a scuba-diver’s lead weight belt on.  Discouraging.

I don’t know… there were two brief moments with her (AA friend) in which I never felt so very close to another person; mutually understood and shared suffering was one moment (both of us perusing a “Do you think you have a drinking problem?” pamphlet, and “comparing notes” about the behaviors listed there (“I’ve done that…”   “You have??  ME TOO!”), and it was a moment that I think lifted a guilty load from us both.  The other… harder to describe, but extremely emotional – – for me, anyway.  I wanted more of those moments, understandably enough, I think, especially since moments like that have been so lacking for me prior to them.

Enough wallowing.  It’s done, and the only way I could have done anything differently would have been to do what I’ve always done: cobble up a new mask to fit this person, so I would be accepted (or at least, not rejected).  If I need to be someone other than who I am to keep something going, then it’s not worth doing so, and is wasted effort.  I’m slowly finding it easier to expose more of who I really am, the more I practice acceptance and mindfulness and read books geared towards such things (“Radical Acceptance” and similar/related).  I don’t think either one of us was anywhere even near ready; in fact, my therapist was of the opinion that I had “dodged a bullet” when things unraveled.  He’s probably right.  And dwelling on what’s past is another thing I’ve always done… and it hasn’t served me well, so I’ll not dwell on it any further.  I’ll “mine” it for lessons, and pack it away with other things I don’t want to forget… but also don’t want to ruminate over.  Pointless rumination does nothing but prolong pain, and prevent healing.  Thoughtful reflection and looking for lessons is a far more healthy and fruitful way to go, I think.

At any rate, I truly thank you both, Anita and TeaK (by the way… is that “Tee-Kay,” or “Teek,” like the wood?  I’m guessing the former), for your perspectives and your thoughts, and just for being willing to help others.

Hi Anita… that seems an accurate enough summation.  The old saw, “Marry in haste, repent at leisure” often comes to mind.  It was an “impulse marriage;” just seemed like ‘the right thing to do’ at the moment.  We were both out “in the world,” on our own, for the first time, and maybe the attraction was that of familiarity in new and at times stressful environments.

I just look back at who, what, and how I was at that time (which was a very confusing time as well), and I truly had no business being either in the Military OR getting married, to anyone.  I don’t think I was truly qualified to make either decision informedly, in the way that a child cannot sign a legally binding contract.

We’ve been together for over fifty years.  Met in the seventh grade; drifted apart and back together a bit… then clinched things with marriage.  I can’t imagine what she saw in me… maybe a tractable “fixer-upper?”

I’m sad at the way my friendship with my AA ‘girlfriend’ ended.  I’m also relieved that I didn’t have to look into my wife’s eyes, the woman I’ve shared almost all of my life with, ‘for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health’… and tell her that I was in love (or so I thought) with somebody else.  I don’t think I could live with myself for doing that, assuming I worked up the resolve and courage to do so.  I can’t knowingly inflict that kind of pain/harm on someone, just to buy my own (anticipated-but-not-assured) happiness.  I also don’t think said ‘girlfriend’ would be happy with what was left afterwards, even had she been so inclined.  Being wired the way I seem to be, I’d obsess over it, and I’m sure it would have overshadowed pretty much everything, ‘poisoning the waters.’   I’m told that nothing happens by mistake, and that things happen for a reason.  Not sure I believe in that (willing to admit the possibility, given I don’t know everything), but it seems that it worked out for the best for the ‘girlfriend,’ for my wife, and most likely for me as well.

Had my wife not pursued me initially, I’d most likely be living alone now (assuming I was still alive at all, which I think is a generous assumption).  I don’t think I’m “cut out” to mesh well with others.  STILL far too self-absorbed, bouncing around in my own little world, which I have to be yanked out of if she wants my attention, for the most part.  It’s just how I am, not a deliberate choice.  It’s my “default state,” to use a programming term (not a programmer, just familiar with what goes into it).  I can haul myself out of it, but it’s an effort of will, and requires steady attention.  It’s “work,” not something that comes naturally.  Also still far too apprehensive, and overly concerned with others’ opinion of me.  People = anxiety, worry, stress, and masks.  No people = me being content, puttering with some project, or sketching plans for some idea for another project, just doing whatever.  No real worries, other than a generalized sense of uneasiness at interfacing with ‘the world.’

Not sure what this says about me, or what to do with it.  AA says when I’m not sure, the best thing to do is nothing.  Which is where I’m at.  Finally fully realizing the degree of how discontented I am, and have been, but caught between the rock and hard place of loyalty -vs- personal happiness.  I don’t hate her; I bear her no ill will for anything (we’re all trying to get through, and we all do what we think we have to do to do it – – you operate with what you know and what you have at the time), I wouldn’t want to see her hurt in any way, I’d help or support her in anything… but it still feels like two separate individuals, who happen to live in the same house… with a lot of shared history.  Some good, some not so good.  We function well enough as a couple; she’s strong where I’m not, and vice versa.  Two partial people making up one effective whole one?  Don’t know about such things; my area of native expertise runs more to things and systems than to people.

It’s far from an intolerable situation… I just know that much better is possible.  I don’t know if a “start over” is possible at this late date… too much water under the bridge that would always be the 600 lb gorilla in the room.  I could continue as is and it would be okay… just not great.  Didn’t even know what ‘great’ was until I met “her,” and even that turns out to be more me projecting my desires *onto* her than anything else.  Still… it did wake something up in me that I’m still looking at, trying to understand what is is… and what to do with it, if anything.

As ever, thank you for your time and your thoughtful replies!

This is a test post.  Replies have stopped “taking” using FireFox.  Trying this with Chrome.

Okay, this is bizarre.  My browser started ‘refusing’ to post.  I’ve typed several long-ish replies (don’t know any other kind 🙂    ) to your last two posts, and none of them “took.”  Seems to be working now, though.  We’ll try it again.

Thank you both for your thoughts and suggestions.  TeaK, your take on things is pretty close.  It *is* AA that cracked my shell and started drawing me out, and maybe that left me ‘vulnerable’ in a way to opening further… but too much , too soon, and in an inappropriate direction.

Time and distance are working their magic.  I feel bad for ruining a friendship that was of mutual support, by trying to make it into something it was not.  I regret depriving her of what was a source of support and encouragement (for a while, at least).  She’s on the other side of the country, lonely (said as much while we were still talking), and I *could* have been there for her still, had I not shifted my thinking from supporting her to what I wanted instead.

I like your suggestion to examine exactly what I was feeling, and why I was so eager to reach out and make a connection.  I do my best thinking this way, putting things “on paper” and going over it… helps keep me focused, and enables me go come back to where I was if I get off on a tangent.  WHEN I get off on a tangent.  🙂

My mom was supportive… but silent in the face of stepfather’s words.  If she had anything to say about it, she did so in private; I never saw it.  I took her silence as agreement with what he was saying.

Wife is not really hostile, but the support is ‘selective,’ and control is an issue (lot of the criticism comes from that, not doing things the way she thinks I should, or going “overboard”); she has her issues, as I have mine.  I’m coming to realize that it’s that ‘control’ that’s getting to me, along with the gunnysacking (bringing up the past to make a point in the present).

I think I *am* doing what you said: seeing myself with new, different eyes.  They don’t see deeply or very far yet, but in time.  Getting a much better sense of boundaries, of what’s acceptable and what isn’t, instead of just taking it all.

Anita, I couldn’t agree more with your take.  With the perspective that a little distance is providing, I can see that it would almost certainly have been a bad outcome all around.

Too much, too soon.  Need to crawl before walking, walk before running, run before sprinting.  Maybe in time we can see about flying.  Baby steps first.  I’ll take this whole thing as a “fore-warned is fore-armed,” and be more on top of things if and as they develop.