I’m in a very similar situation to everyone on this thread, and I wanted to share my story to see if there’s any advice, as compared to most situations, it has only been 8 months into my relationship. My boyfriend is Indian-American, and I am Malaysian-American, and we both live in the US. Although he and his family were originally from India, both him and his parents have been living in the US for over 14 years, and we currently live in a separate state from his parents. We do not live together, but we have stayed at each other’s places quite often.

He has been very open about the conversations he’s been having with his parents about our relationship, and they’re currently talking about this every day or every other day. He has told them nothing but positive things and that he loves me, but they have high reservations since I am not Indian. A few months ago, they had suggested that they keep an open profile of him while dating me, and he had shut that down completely, however he and I are still under the suspicion that his parents are still searching for him nonetheless. There was a period of time recently where I thought things were looking up for the better – he had sent a photo of my cooking to them, and they were impressed. I had also briefly met his mother through Skype. However, the other day, my boyfriend had a long conversation with them about me as a prospect of marriage, and they were completely against it, saying that I was not a right fit. He also had said that his mother had been physically ill this entire week as a result of worrying so much about us.

I know for a fact that they’re not bad parents, that they’re very caring of him and love him greatly. They want what’s best for their son and their family. He in return loves his parents deeply and he hardly creates conflict with them. We both love each other deeply, we have great communication, and we’re practically each other’s best friends. The thought of losing him hurts, as the connection I have with him is stronger than with any of my exes. Had I not been privy to his family situation, I would have been convinced he’s the one. His transparency about the situation is very helpful since I’m not running blind into love, but I don’t know if I need to prepare for separation or continue to try and fight with him for our love. I don’t know if at the end of the day, he’ll want to fight to keep me, or if his parents will try to shut us down before it reaches a year. He has cried to me, wishing that this was easier, that his happiness was their top priority. I can sympathize only a little, as my own parents are strict in the more East-Asian style way, but beyond this, I feel helpless in what the right thing to do is. Especially with the state of the world, being alone is the scariest thing in the world.

Hi guys, how do I create a new thread?

I want to share my story and gain input.  I will like to make a new thread.

But to make it very brief, my situation is very similar to you guys’ except there are some unusual occurrences.  In you guys cases the guy doesn’t want to go against his parents. But in mine, his parents were against it but he fought for me. he was discussing court marriage with me, invited his friends and told them about our plans then all of a sudden within a matter of 3 days after going to his mom’s house turned extremely 180 and ends up meeting an arrange marriage girl for the first time (a girl whom he told me he didn’t like earlier). Since then he’s gotten aggressive strange weird. Right now he’s trying to threaten me with a legal case.  Remember this is a guy who moved out of his parents house to be with me and changed to extreme level in 3 days ?!?

I’m trying to talk to him but there is no communication possible. Things are too strange right now. He’s trying to put a restraining order on me.  And it 3 days ago he was discussing our marriage plans and future with his friends and me.

I’m just not sure what to think or do.

If admin can pls open up a new thread for me with this post I would appreciate it.

Six years after your post. Hope you’re doing well!

I’ve been with my bf since for 14 months and today he told me that his parents had been asking him for a month to consider an Indian girl. According to him, that girl doesn’t have to be from their arranged marriage. So long as she is Indian, they’d be happy with that.

I’m a Chinese and we met in New Zealand. Have discussed about our future plans and his parents added me on Facebook 4 months ago.

He’s planning to keep telling them NO and let’s see how it goes.

He’s not a child. He’s a grown man.

Dear Trixie:

“wow you all are so brave“- and so are you!

“my boyfriend for 2 years was arranged to his cousin…  I’m still with him since he asked me to stay with him until I get married“-you mean that he asked you to stay with him until he gets married (a typo)?

“I cant find ways to leave, he has been good with me in all aspects in life. and there will never be same guy like him the way he treats me. He takes care of me in everything“- is his intent to have no contact with you once he gets married and onward? Has he shown concern for how his marriage affects and will affect you?

“Should I leave now or I will wait for another man first to come and leave him?“- leave now is my advice. But it’d be difficult for you to do, wouldn’t it.. easier said than done?

anita

Dear Jez:

I read your post and am sorry for your heartache. You wrote that you are considering an adulterous relationship with this man. Perhaps you can see a counselor/ therapist before making a decision on the matter..?

anita

Dear bella ciao:

You shared that your Muslim ex-boyfriend of 2.5 years got married to another woman, an arranged marriage. Following his marriage to the other woman, he offered to marry you (“he is asking me to do this relationship halal. and he wants to marry me“)-

– I am trying to understand, therefore I ask: do you mean that he wants to marry you legally after he divorces the other woman, or does he want to “marry” you via a religious ceremony only, while living with his wife part-time and with you part-time as well?

anita

Dear bella ciao:

I want to put all that you shared together so to see your story as clearly as I can: you are a Christian woman who had a 2.5 years relationship with a younger, Muslim man. From the very beginning of the relationship, he told you that he could not marry you (at any time in the future) because of his culture. Sometime along the relationship, his family arranged a marriage for him, and the two of you decided to part ways so that it will not be so hurtful for you to be with in a relationship with a man who is about to get married.

The two of you parted ways and he got married. After he got married, he contacted you and told you that he married the other woman (now his wife) so to make his family happy, and now, that he “has given that happiness” to them, it is time for him to “follow his heart” and be with “the one for him” (you). He wants to marry you via an Islamic religious ceremony, and live in one household with two wives: with the one for him and with.. the one who is not for him.

Your current state of mind: “My mind has been messed up because he is confusing me a lot… I am trying to understand too what is going on… I am not used to it, sharing with other people. I love him so much and he loves me too. I know this is sound crazy and stupid. I’m losing my mind. Please help me (figure out) what I need to do“-

My current understanding based only on what you shared: he is not a bad person, he told you right from the start what he believed was true: that he couldn’t marry you because of the arranged marriage culture he was born into, (and you not fitting what his parents would choose for him, I figure, being that you are not Muslim, and perhaps that you are older than him). He was honest with you, straightforward.

I don’t fault him for agreeing to marry a woman of his parents’ choosing because there is a huge pressure in this culture to obey the parents and marry whom they choose. Many parents in this culture go to great lengths to pressure an disobedient/ rebellious son, including threatening to commit suicide if the son refuses the arranged marriage.

Seems to me that he sincerely loves you and he came up with a solution: be the obedient son (remain married to the woman they chose for him) and marry the woman he chooses for himself. He plans to live with the two women in the same household, and I assume, have children with her, and maybe with you as well (?). I figure that he asked and got his parents’ permission to put his solution into practice.

First question is: is his solution a solution for you as well, or is it a problem? For his solution to be yours as well, you’d have to be okay with sharing your man with another woman, with seeing him enter her bedroom some of the nights while you remain alone in your bedroom, knowing what is happening in the other bedroom. You’d have to be okay with not asking him questions about how he feels about her.. and does he still love you and not her, if there are changes in how he feels for you, and for her.

You’d have to be okay with seeing his other wife the mornings after she spends the night with him (and she’d have to be okay with seeing you the morning after you spend the night with him), and be nice to her. The two women you will need to cooperate well and be an effective team in one household in regard to house chores, child caretaking.. as well as taking care of his parents at one point on (if he is their oldest/ only son, or only capable son), because this too is part of the culture.

Your place in the household would be based on him following his heart while her place in the household is (already) based on following the centuries old practice of arranged marriages. Whose basis- and power- in the household is stronger: yours or hers?  Depending on her nature, she might abuse her power in the household and demand obedience from you. If his parents join the household, they are likely to ignore such power-difference (after all, she is their choice), or join her in taking on the position of power and dominance over you.

What do you think about my understanding at this point?

anita