Dear gresshoppe:

The relationship with the ex was “short, but really intense… crazy chemistry“. You recently met “someone super nice… so sweet“, but “some level of connectedness” with him is missing: that intensity and crazy chemistry that you experienced with the ex. Recently, the ex contacted you and you are considering resuming the relationship with the ex.

About the trouble in your previous relationship, you wrote: “I think we were both at fault, now that some time has passed. He said some things that hurt bad, and then I withdrew. Everything fell apart, so fast. I wanted to slow everything down, but couldn’t find a way, so I went no contact“- what happened there is very important when it comes to considering resuming the relationship. Would you like to elaborate on what happened and what were the things he said that hurt you badly? How were you at fault, and how was he at fault?

As to the intense connectedness and crazy chemistry that you experienced with the ex, that could be the result of his physical features that you find very attractive and/ or it could be that he reminds you of a parent (I don’t mean in a sexual way) whose love you tried to get as a child, but failed, and he (the ex) brought back to you that intense child-like hope to be finally loved.

Let’s say that your father or mother were cold and critical of you. You tried to please that parent very much, to win their love. You hoped for their love for a long, long time and you didn’t get it. Fast forward, you meet a cold, critical man who is interested in you, showing you some positive attention, and all that intense and long-term HOPE is awakened.. hope that this time, you will get the love you needed for so long.

On the other hand, when you meet a nice guy.. that’s nice, but he doesn’t awaken that Hope (hope with a capital H). Problem in this scenario, is that you far less likely receive love from a cold and critical person than you are from a nice and sweet person.

What do you think about this scenario?

anita

Dear gresshoppe:

“He seemed to have anger issues… he seemed to have a lot of estrangements in his life. He questioned some of my dearest friends, called a couple of them names (just in front of me)“- if anger issues and estrangements from the people in his life is his pattern, then likely, this pattern will include you yet again: there was already a breakup following a short relationship, and if you get back with him, there will likely be another.

“What bothers me to this day is that it just ended with a big splat and we never even tried to reconnect. That happened to me with my first love, and I regretted not giving him at least one more chance. I just don’t want to have regrets“- can’t undo and redo the past. Better put that old regret, and all regrets, to a final rest. Make the best choices today with the information you have, choices made in  calm state of mind.

“I don’t know if we could have worked through it because we didn’t try. And he recently hinted that he was open to another chance“- back to patterns: if his relationships, romantic and otherwise, were not long-term and stable so far, his relationship with you is likely to be the same.

“I hear you on pleasing parents. My Mom tried to stick her nose in my business on this one“- when this man questioned some of your dearest friends, calling them names, wasn’t he (like your mother) sticking his nose in your business?

“I just wonder if walking it back is wise. But even now, several months later – it felt extraordinary“- if something of his anger issues was evident from the beginning of the short relationship, maybe that was what attracted you to him?

anita

Dear Gresshoppe:

“He insisted that we date exclusively and insists that it is meant to be. He is all-in, all the way, even resumed the L-word… Six intense convos in one week..“-

– this is congruent with how you started this thread: “Last year, I had a relationship that was short, but really intense“- he is intense. The relationship last year was intense, and so was the breakup: “the breakup was just as intense as the relationship“.

Did you talk with him about his intensity and speed in the relationship with you?

anita

You are welcome, gresshoppe!

anita

Dear gresshoppe:

“I was really annoyed with an older friend of mine… she won’t stop hammering away at how unhappy I’ll be if I don’t find someone… She keeps assuring me that ‘I’ll find someone,’“- rushing you to find someone as in saying that for a woman to be unattached/ not in a relationship is a scary thing..?

There is a term for the fear of being/ living alone, when it is excessive, it’s called autophobia. It is experienced both by people who live alone and people who live with a significant other.

(I am adding the boldface feature to the following quote): “Everything fell apart, so fast. I wanted to slow everything down, but couldn’t find a way, so I went no contact. It was really hard to recover… identifying a pattern in my behavior. I get excited with a connection, really get it into the other person, and then burn out. Going deep tells me to slow everything down and get to know the other person better. My own pattern feels self-destructive… I feel myself getting sucked back into a hot and heavy relationship and my insides are pleading with me to slow down in a major way“-

– I wonder if it’s the fear of being alone that’s fueling the going so fast, the rushing to secure an attachment/ a relationship, on your part and on his part?

In regard to moving too fast and getting to know who you’re moving too fast with, from an article by huff post/ 7 signs you’re moving too fast when you’re dating someone: “Trust is something that’s slowly built over time…  Make sure this person is worthy of your trust and vulnerability before you go telling them your deepest secrets… We trust through actions, not words… Romance is one of the biggest emotional roller coasters, and people are willing to take way too many unnecessary risks in the beginning…

“Many people confuse the word ‘love’ with ‘in love’… While being in love ― being infatuated or experiencing lust ― is more relevant to early stages of a romantic relationship, loving someone is more relevant to a long-term relationship, after you’ve really gotten to know your partner… My advice would be to give your partner just a little trust. If they show they are worthy of that little trust, give them a little more, and so on and so forth. You earn it one bit at a time.”

From harley therapy. co. uk/ always moving too fast in a relationship: “for the most part, moving too fast in a relationship and relying on sudden infatuation is an experience that ends as quickly as it began – and often with a bump. What makes you the sort who always promises ‘never again’ but then can’t seem to stop going too fast in relationships?

“9 Reasons You Rush into Love 1. You are Codependent…. 2. You are counter dependent: The flip side of codependency, counter dependency means you fear real intimacy… 3. You have an anxious attachment style… 4. You lack boundaries… 7. You have adult ADHD or borderline personality disorder… Adult ADHD has impulsivity as a main symptom. This means you don’t think things through before..  diving in – including engaging in relationships. Borderline personality disorder is another condition which can leave you prone to ‘speed relating’. If you have BPD you tend to be very emotionally intense and oversensitive with a deep fear of rejection… 8. You are a love or relationship addict. Do you rush headlong into relationships because they make you ‘feel alive’? If you have an addictive personality, other people can be the thing that creates the ‘high’ you crave…”.

Things to ponder…?

anita

Dear gresshoppe:

“I have pondered, and will ponder.“- I ponder too. Actually, I enjoy pondering in these forums and elsewhere.  And I enjoy reading other members’ pondering, so anytime you’d like to ponder out loud here, in your thread, please do!

anita