Helen,

Thank you for your courage in opening up, you certainly brought it this time! Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy, and you’ve been walking that path for ages. Sometimes when our parents set up a very rigid value system, we have difficulty determining our own. As kids, we have no choice but to follow their lead, usually, because they are the food buyers, the hug givers, the shelter keepers and so on. Now, you’re 40, and even though you’ve moved on (mostly), both you and they have some stuck bits… as though you’re five and need pushing. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that “mom” and “dad” aren’t people, they’re roles. In the eyes of a child, parents arent people, they’re like gods. This makes for some confusion, especially when our parents have their flaws. Said differently, imagine the sorrowful conflict that occurs in a child when god says the sky is green, but they look up and see blue. “Oh no”, she cries, “there must be something wrong with my eyes.” Or, my dear sister, when god says “You should desire this, act in such and such a way”, and she cries “but my vision sees something different, I guess I’ll just have to ignore my heart, or ignore my god.”

This leaves many doors open that are unnecessary, many difficulties with boundaries inside us. For instance, your mom says “in order to keep your man, you need to stand on your head when he comes home from work.” But, when he comes home, not only does he not understand why you do such a thing, it doesn’t have the effect your mom described. The difficulty isn’t really the head standing, or his reaction, its in what happens next. “My mom said standing on my head would entice him. It didn’t. My mom is a god, omniscient, therefore I either did it wrong, or I’m so ugly that not even the head standing works for me.”

Yes, rediculous. They. Don’t. Know. They think they know the trick to finding balance and joy, but they do not. The head standing is irrelevant to his heart. The material success they push you toward is meaningless, empty, their vision of what a “good life” looks like. This isn’t bad, its just their view. It isn’t wrong, they just aren’t you. Consider for a moment where joy blossoms for you. In the arms of your daughter is an obvious one, where the warmth and beauty of human life pulses through your every vein and pore. You have that, and what a blessing. Your heart and hers open together in the moment with appreciation and mutual respect, and the resulting blossoming is rich and wondrous.

Consider for a moment what you might have if every time you saw your daughter, you felt fear that she’d grow up to be miserable. Then each moment would feel more like scrambling against the clock, trying to cram more survival gear into her head… so that she could weather the long and wintery path of life. After all, your love is strong, and the motivation to see her happy would easily push you to “save her at any cost”. Consider however, how little time and space you’d have to simply hold her in your arms. If you breastfed, perhaps you remember how when the feeding began, the your breasts would “let down” or “release” as the milk was reached for. The heart does the same, when we make time for it. A flood arises and pours over our loved one, and we feel ourselves wishing to give every bit of warmth, every drop of appreciative joy… and as we pour, they pour back. How beautiful it is to be a parent sometimes! If we’re scared all the time, taking time to just be there with her would seem like a waste.

However, you and I know differently. We know that the joy of our life arises from giving ourselves freely to the growth and happiness of ourselves and those we connect to. A pile a money does nothing, being a doctor means nothing… those are just forms, expressions, vehicles of our service and happiness. They can help produce them, such as a doctor that spends her life helping people heal. Sure, that’s a blessing and a reasonable life aim. However, its only a vehicle. A janitor has the same opportunity to share joy, a hair stylist, a mother… whatever the vehicle, its in the “letting down” of our time and love that brings joy. Not the paycheck, not the “setting broken bones” or whatever. Ironically, or tragically, as your parents tried to fill up your backpack with tools for survival, they forgot (or never knew) that important aspect.

The solution is actually very simple. Its time to grow up, Helen. Your parents aren’t gods, they’re just people, and its time you set up some boundaries. Consider for a moment, if a stranger came up to you on the street and told you that you were ugly, meaningless, and a terrible mother… would you be so quick to identify with their view? Would it stick? Later that night, after your loved ones were sleeping… would the voice of the stranger resurge within your mind and cause you to doubt your own senses? That perhaps your daughter’s tender words of appreciation were false as you tucked her in? Why give their suffering such gravity? Said differently, would your heart ever say those thing to your daughter? Would you call her ugly? Meaningless?

Of course not, because when you look at her, there is tenderness, appreciation, and beauty. Its warm, fluid, nurturing. For me, when I am with my kids and relating to them as people, there is magic and warmth inside me. I do not doubt it is there in you too, as you brush her hair, hold her, play with her. That is the success, dear sister, for when the heart blossoms with compassion, and we give our time to the well being of all people (including ourselves) there is no greater joy to be found.

So look again at this moment with your parents, as they push and pull and wish and criticize. What do they have in that moment? Not the magic, not the warmth… they have fear and dissatisfaction and judgment. They don’t get the blessing of a simple warm embrace, the beauty that fills the heart as they see their daughter smiling and joyous. They see failure, dissapointment, lost opportunity, and potential disaster. How sad for them! Not sad for them as kids, as teens. Sad now. They let sweet moments of heartfelt connection slide on by, in favor of trying to push more tools into your survival kit.

This is where boundaries come in. Consider for a moment that it is up to you to be the champion of love and warmth. Much like you are the guide for your daughter. So, if your daughter said “mom, I want three hand fulls of sugar for breakfast”, you would say no. You have to balance honoring your daughter’s desire with her long term health, and so you set your foot down and reject that particular desire. However, sugar is sweet, and so your daughter throws a tantrum. “You don’t love me, you never listen to me, you don’t care.” On and on she stomps her feet, throws words at you, and you stand there and take it. Nod, smile, “yes my daughter, tantrum it out. You’re having cheerios this morning, not sugar. Weep and wail and lament, my resolve is here, and I see what’s best.” Finally, she begrudgingly eats the cheerios and moves on. She doesn’t notice, perhaps, but you do, that her energy is stronger for the whole day because of your resolve, your standing up to her tantrum with patience and stability.

This is much like what it is like with your parents, and the boundaries will perhaps look the same. “I do not like to be spoken to in that way, and will get up and leave if it continues”. Don’t bother with the why, its complex enough on their side. Stick with the what. “I am 40, old enough that I do not have to put up with your criticism, and while you can choose to say whatever you wish to say, I can choose to break contact with you, and I will.” Don’t get mad, don’t play their game, don’t get sucked into the maze. They’re blowing their chance for the warmth and joy of being with trusted family, and much like eating handfuls of sugar, it isn’t good for you or them. As the one that has become more clear seeing, it is your responsibility to take action.

Of course, there is every chance that they will throw a temper tantrum. “You don’t love us” and so forth. That is garbage, and highly ironic. You rest in a place of compassionate love (which slides into self criticism and longing and back again), and its your parents that are caught in the habit of criticism and distance. So when they say “you don’t love us”, they are not acting very loving.

Internally, consider the path to authentic humility one of removing the pedestals and pits from our view of self, our heroes, and our villans. Buddha taught that we are born ignorant of how to find balance and joy, and we rely on our teachers and parents for most of our strategy on how to interact with the world. There is much incredible insight in the teachings that have been handed down through the ages, but it still comes from people, our brothers and sisters, and they have had the same limitations as we have, the same potentials. So, naturally there will be flaws and needed evolutions. Consider “Could Buddha use Facebook?” Or “Could Jesus drive a sick shift?” There is wheat and chaff, dear sister, in the teachings we receive and offer. Its just part of the way views are shared. So, as we sing our song, it appears to be our voice, but not our song. The song itself is part of a greater harmony, a system of balance and lessons that have pushed and pulled us along our path for a looong time. Said differently, you speak a language you didn’t create, think thoughts handed to you from your parents, have accomplishments that rest on the shoulders of giants, and so on. What is you is not any of those things. You are the warmth and light that shines when your daughter is in your arms. You are the smile that cuts the hair of your loved ones. Trust that. Feel that!

Finally, as you meet up with your successes and failures, don’t grab onto them as proof of anything. You could precisely cut someone’s hair without warmth, and though materialistically is appears a successful cut, it was actually bittersweet because of the emotional apathy. Instead, we can see ourselves as a link in a chain, a prism of light within the world. We do our best to give authentically from the heart, and each moment is practice. There is never a perfect moment, a perfectly handled experience with your daughter, a perfect head of hair. There is only your skillfulness of varying degrees meeting up with the unknown, and the practice. True success, in the form of blossoming contentment, arises when we accept that, and in each moment release the “does this mean I did well” question, and appreciate the warmth inside and around us. This smooth mindedness arises with practice, and perhaps consider taking up a metta meditation practice to help develop such peace and concentration directly. Metta is the unconditional warmth and well wishing friendship we feel for others, and Buddha taught that it was incredibly freeing to practice. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta” on YouTube if interested.

Namaste, dear sister, may contentment blossom deeply in your heart.

With warmth,
Matt

Helen,
I have re-read your postings and still do not understand what you are longing for.

Could you be more explicit for this clueless soul who cannot seem to figure out what you want?

I apologize for not being able to figure this out from your eloquence.

Metta,
Mark