Dear dreaming715:

You wrote about your boyfriend: “He has summer plans to go to music festivals, do a camping/road trip with his friends, etc…”-

no such plans that include you?

anita

Hi dreaming715,

I really admire you. You have alot more emotional maturity and stability then I did at your age. I was alot like your boyfriend. In my early 30’s, I really was not too sure what it really was I wanted. On one hand, I wanted love, being in love, the giddyness. Like you, my friends had pretty much settled down, had kids, husband, houses, etc..while I had a few friends who like me still were into the club scene, dating, going to concerts, comedy clubs, internet dating, beach bonfire parties, staying out till the bars closed then going to a diner afterwards for breakfast and staying there till 4am.

I had been engaged to my first love when I was only 19. We moved in together after only six months together, deeply in love. At 19, way too soon. Had no idea what I wanted. After I moved in with him..it seemed we became “roommates” gone were the cute and romantic things he did for me. Gone were the roses he always sent to me, the “surprise” weekend getaways” everything. He just changed into someone I did not know. After I moved in, I guess he knew he “had me” and so why did he have to put in any effort anymore? But Again, I was too emotionally immature, wanting to party, do the club scene, beach parties, community college parties, etc. He was the one wanting to settle down. Because he stopped putting effort in, I would play “games” and try to “win” his attention by making him jealous, as he was a very jealous person..little did I know at my age it was a toxic relationship. He also cheated on me, yet I forgave him. I would ask him to join my friends and I, but he declined. He would then make plans with his friends, and never include me. We were basically roommates. The same thing happened when I moved in with a man I was very much in love with. Six or seven month into the relationship He asked me to move in. I did, and I made the same mistake I did when I was 19. Moved in with a man without having a wedding ring on my finger. Him saying, he wanted to just live together, see how it worked it, and that someday, he saw a bright future with me. Again, the roses stopped, the cute, romantic cards stopped, being taken out for romantic dinners, being cooked for, or having candlelit dinners together. After I loved in, he would work very long hours at the office. I would cook us dinner, and sit and watch the food getting cold, the bottle of wine in the ice bucket getting warm, the candles dripping wax. At 10:30pm. I called him at work. Said he was “just finishing up”..I just said thanks, your dinner is on table and hang up on him. Then go to bed and pretend I was asleep when he got home. So, the reason I shared all of this with you, is that research has shown that couples who move in together before marriage have a higher separation and divorce rate, than couples who wait until they are married before moving in together.

From the sound of your post, him going out to festivals, etc with his friends and not including you, and giving you a vague “wait and see” usually does not work. I have been there. I would give it a time limit, or he will settle in with “living with girlfriend with benefits”. You will be waiting and waiting for a ring, which may never come. If no ring within a year, talk to him, and tell him it is time to deepen the commitment, you did not move in to be his roommate. Don’t play the “waiting” game, as you will grow more and more frustrated and resentful. I hope it all works out. x

dreaming715,

As a man who married at 28 after living with my wife beforehand, I learned several things…

1. I would not live with someone before marriage again.  Living together is a half commitment.  Marriage is a full commitment.

2. There has to be an alignment of lifestyle and life goals.  Being married does not change that.

It looks like your lifestyle is different.  You have not talked about your life goals like kids.  You mentioned about so much of the world to experience and see.  What are those things?  I assume that your boyfriend is not interested in those same things?

Mark

dreaming715,

It sounds like you two are not on the same timetable and same lifestyle.

The question is what is your timetable?   When do you want children?  I see that as the most important in being in agreement for you since you have that biological time clock ticking.

Have you communicated that with him?  There are good economic/legal/psychological reasons to have children in a marriage rather than out of wedlock.

https://www.city-journal.org/html/why-marriage-good-you-12002.html

Are you willing to walk away if he does not commit to settling down?  Those questions you need to answer within yourself and use as a basis of discussion with your partner.  It is good to have a bottom line even it seems like you are giving him an ultimatum.  This is your life.  Otherwise you are living your life for him rather than for yourself.

Mark

You are welcome dreaming715.

You need to be explicitly direct with your boyfriend.  No hinting.  No reading between the lines.  No open ended “deadlines.”

Guys are dense and need to be hit over the head when it comes to communicating.

When you say you “like to revisit where we are in our relationship” “around January 2019” what you really mean is that you want a ring and a date for your wedding for the purposes of a legally committed marriage and to have children.  If you make it nebulous and open ended like that then you will continue to have the same thing as before.

I suggest you two make a specific date for the wedding and have him give you a ring to signify the engagement.  Plus you have already communicated with him that the consequence of not committing to that is that you will leave the relationship by XXX date sometime before January 2019 so this won’t come as a surprise that you are serious about this

Mark