Dear dijadei:

This is my understanding: the troubles in this relationship are because of how you expressed to him your growing anxiety. I think you have an understanding of this part but a misunderstanding in believing that your worth has something to do with it, and that looking more attractive, make up can fix anything, that explaining to him that your anxiety has nothing to do with him.

I don’t believe him wanting out of the relationship has anything to do with his evaluation of your worth and physical appearance and it is probably not about him feeling guilty for your anxiety (he didn’t google about that, did he?) I think his motivation wanting out is to avoid more pain. He doesn’t want to suffer from your anxiety. Can’t blame him for that, can you?

Two things: heal and manage your anxiety best you can and have a serious talk with him- ask him if indeed your understanding of his motivation to want out is correct, talk calmly to him, not anxiously, not attacking or defending, just wanting information, like a good, sincere friend. If he is calm, if he doesn’t feel threatened by you, he will honestly tell you the truth. Then, let him know you understand, that it is understandable that he doesn’t want to suffer, and shouldn’t suffer unnecessarily.

Let him know that you are working on healing/ managing your anxiety AND on not mistreating him as your reaction to your anxiety, that when you get anxious next, you will be thinking: how do I not automatically react to my anxiety in ways that mistreat your boyfriend.

It will take a lot of effort on your part and time for him to observe and trust that indeed you will not mistreat him by checking on him, interrogating him, blaming him, making it all about you- and forgetting his pain, his well being.

anita

Dear dijadei,

I think first of all because you´re unsure about your relationship you´re starting to have doubts about yourself – even trying to change yourself. The fact is he fell in love with you the way you were – so there´s no need to change who you are just to keep him with you (it´s also not honest to yourself).
You´ve changed your attitude and that´s why he became unsure and insecure as well.I´m not excusing him lying to you or hiding things from you here. There´s the reason why you changed but you should also ask yourself why am i so scared? Did you have relationships before? Then you should know even if this one doesn’t work out (i know it sounds harsh) the next one just might if i learn from this.
For yourself first and foremost you need to keep your anxiety in check. Secondly like anita suggested have a good calm talk with him. If he doesn’t want to be with you then you have to accept that and move on. You´re smart and beautiful and your should never have to convince anyone of that.
Yes you made mistakes but so did he. Either you both work things out if you think it´s worth it – or you both move on.