Just spent two years with someone that was obviously not emotionally available. I wanted it to work so bad that I let her treat me poorly and I let myself start to think she was right. I became weak and needy and ultimately over anxious and stressed.

To top it off it was a long distance (Germany – America) relationship so that added to the defeat. She recently bailed via email one week before she was meant to come and visit.

We spent on average 2-3 weeks together and then 2 months apart during this time. I stressed how important it was to communicate regularly and have a plan to move one way or the other.

She literally refused to work on this with me and I still stayed.

We’d have those glimpses of connection towards the end that kept me going but then she started partying and living as if she were single the past few months (which really bothered me since in the beginning she told me it wasn’t her thing) and I knew something wasn’t right.

I was stressed every day and couldn’t focus on my tasks at hand. I felt crazy that I wasn’t able to relax and just be like she was able to do. I tried everything to calm my mind with no luck. My friends all said that I was trying to hard and that it shouldn’t be so much work…’she isn’t ready’ they said. I knew they were right but I didn’t want to let go.

I lost myself and my happiness completely trying to make it work. Now I am at my absolute lowest dealing with basically 18 months of rejection finally ending with an email!!??

How could I let this happen to myself? How could someone say they love you and talk about the future with you but never give our relationship a chance to flourish? I swear I saw something in her that was so loving but she worked so hard to block it with me.

I’m devastated going in to day 4 and just want to sleep. I want her out of my head. Even know the majority of our time together (in hindsight) was actually not very good, I have so many memories that make me want to try to do something to get her back (so ridiculous).

You see at her home she treated me like a stranger or guest that she was forced to look after and it annoyed her. She was always on edge and distant when I was there.

At my home she was the perfect partner. Soft and loving, never on edge, optimistic. I figured it was the fact that she was comfortable with me taking the lead. I knew this place inside out and she didn’t. But in Germany where I barely spoke the language and didn’t know the city she had to do that and it actually pissed her off.

I wish she would have just tried, I feel like she gave up before we ever had a chance.

I just want to forget about the past two years. This past 12 months has been like a living hell in my mind. This relationship ended in a disrespectful way and the rejection is so hard to absorb and digest. Even though the distance is extreme we have a lot of mutual friends and I dread seeing her again or hearing about her again with someone else.

I’m 33 and so tired of failed relationships. I can’t imagine doing this again. I loved her so much and worked so hard to make it a success.

I just want to sleep through the night, be motivated again, be confident again.

I know it takes time but this is miserable. This pain is so intense, real physical pain. I’m doing everything I can to move this along, YOGA, meditation, staying with family for a bit, not drinking, etc. but it isn’t happening fast enough. I get these waves of intense emotion where I just want to see her face and her voice. (Even though she basically was like a complete stranger the past weeks I still want that) In my younger days I’d go out and find someone else quick. I know that wasn’t right but I just want a partner, a teammate. I wanted her to be that and it cost me my dignity and self respect. I let her make me think I am weak, I let her break me down to be weak. I am weak right now, insecure, feel like less of a man, not man enough for her so must be something wrong with me.

I dread ever having to feel this way again and I haven’t even dealt with this pain yet.

Now what do I do…