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Lonely Confused Depressed and reaching the end of my rope

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  • #432315
    Nate
    Participant

    I’m 21 years old, a virgin, and completely alone romantically. this year i’ve tried putting myself out there and just got ghosted again by like 12 girls. No matter what I do I can’t find anybody who loves me or wants to love me and I have no idea what makes me so unlovable. I’ve tried asking my female friends but they never take me seriously. I tried asking my male friends and they had absolutely nothing to say to me. Everybody can find a partner and be happy except for me, I’ve been looking for so long and it’s only gotten worse. I can’t figure out what makes me such an unlovable shit who isn’t worthy of a partner or sex. Is it my body? is it my face? Everybody says it’s not your fault but it doesn’t make sense because if i get ghosted by 12 women it’s not their fault??? i just don’t get why nobody can love me and id rather end my life than live as a single virgin forever. All i do is cry and cry and cry as soon as I wake up. I feel like life’s not worth living if I can’t have a family with kids. I’m so sad and it just feels like I have nobody 🙁 i don’t know where else to go anymore or what to do. If i’ve been nonstop rejected than it’ll probably never change :/ i don’t know what to do and im in desperate need of someone to talk to

    #432321
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nate:

    I am sorry that you feel unlovable, and i hope that you will feel better soon.

    “This year I’ve tried putting myself out there and just got ghosted again by like 12 girls… Everybody says it’s not your fault but it doesn’t make sense because if I get ghosted by 12 women it’s not their fault???”-

    (1) Is the word I boldfaced a typo?  (2) In what ways did you put yourself out there?

    anita

    #432328
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Nate

    I am sorry that you are struggling to find love and that your ego is tormenting you with thoughts that are extremely unhelpful.  We humans are for the most part social animals and seek to feel connected in some way. Unfortunately our modern lives do little to facilitate this. Adverts tell us that we are not enough unless we have the newest & best product going, often  the human models they use make us feel even more inadequate. Often when we are grasping after a particular thing, we actually exude an air of desperateness which actually puts off the thing we so much long for.

    My practical advice would be to make a decision that for the rest of this year that you choose to be celibate and use your time to be of service to your community, that way you will make worthwhile friendships and seek to learn about inner contentment.  This in the long run will make you  a better partner & father.

    I wish you best on your lifes journey

    #432329
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Nate

    I’m sorry to hear that you don’t have anyone to rely on in your life.

    You are still young. My husband didn’t lose his virginity until he was 26. He still ended up being an awesome person with a wife and a son. What is the urgency? Your life is just beginning.

    Perhaps part of the issue is that you are too hard on yourself and have a sense of urgency about this?

    Dating is like a lottery and a numbers game. People are looking for something and not everyone is compatible. It can take time to find a suitable partner. Only 12 people weren’t suitable is a better way to reframe it. There are many, many more women out there.

    What method were you using to try and find a date? If it’s online statistically the odds aren’t good. Tinder has a 2.8% success rate of finding a match for men. Whereas women have a 35% match rate. Statistically, the average is that 2 in 100 women would match with you. If you are getting more matches than that you are actually rather successful. These women are likely to match with other people at the same time and often end up considering multiple men at the same time. Ghosting is a pretty common dating experience these days. I’m sorry that it hurts though. In short, dating sucks.

    Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

    #432357
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nate:

    I didn’t spend much time on your short original post yesterday and I want to try and do a better job responding this Sunday morning:

    No matter what I do I can’t find anybody who loves me or wants to love me and I have no idea what makes me so unlovable… I can’t figure out what makes me such an unlovable s*** who isn’t worthy of a partner or sex. Is it my body? is it my face? Everybody says it’s not your fault, but it doesn’t make sense because if I get ghosted by 12 women it’s not their fault???“-

    Traditionally, when it comes to dating, men initiate: they are the ones doing the asking, and women respond with a Yes or a No. This means that most men, if they take on the asking, get lots of No-s before they get a Yes, while women don’t get No-s because they are not the one doing the asking.

    – You say that you were ghosted by 12 women. If you never met these women in real-life and they all ghosted you online (in a dating website perhaps), then being ghosted online is, unfortunately, a very common experience, it’s.. business as usual. How a person comes across online may be a problem: if one expresses an attitude of hostility or extensive self-pity, that is likely to turn people off.

    – If you met these 12 women in real-life, on a date or a few dates, and then they ghosted you; again, how you come across to women may be a problem.  If you come across in ways that women find unattractive, there are ways for you to change the way you come across. For example, let’s say that on a date,  you say little and you don’t ask the woman any questions. The result: she may think that you are bored with her, and that you have no interest in getting to know her better. If so, even though you feel lonely, you come across as someone who is not social. In this example, you can learn to make small talk, and to ask questions so that the woman feels that you not bored with her, and that you are interested in getting to know her.

    You ended your original post with: “I don’t know what to do and I’m in desperate need of someone to talk to“- please talk here, talk to me..?

    anita

    #432525
    Nate
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>it was in real life and unfortunately these girls just weren’t looking for anything. I know i don’t come off bad to women because we met through classes and in those classes we’d hang out and chat. Two days ago I hung out with a girl i was interested in for like 6 hours, she seemed to be having fun and I was making her laugh a lot she seemed super comfortable. sadly early on, like one of the first things she said, was she had a boyfriend, which recently is an extremely common occurrence. 12 is wrong i was writing this in self pity, a more realistic number is probably like 4 and one of them was actually my fault, the others was on these girls. I’ve made friends with so many girls this semester and gotten so many numbers, but almost everyone ive met, who doesn’t ghost me, that i’m interested in, is taken or just doesn’t want me. The best part is Ive become friends with all the girls who had boyfriends so obviously Im not coming off as a creepy incel or anything, but it doesn’t help. It feels like im just unlovable from a romantic level at this point, I have plenty of friends and people really seem to like me (I don’t know why) but nobody loves me physically or romantically and it feels like i’m broken. I hate being this lonely… but women have also been attracted to me (not a lot) but women that aren’t really what i want in a partner. It’s like I can’t get what i want in a partner, maybe because i’m not good enough for what i want? i don’t know i just wish something would work out. I know self pity parties are cringe which is why i can only talk about this online, so thanks for reaching out</p>

    #432526
    Nate
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>[quote quote=432357]Dear Nate: I didn’t spend much time on your short original post yesterday and I want to try and do a better job responding this Sunday morning: “No matter what I do I can’t find anybody who loves me or wants to love me and I have no idea what makes me so unlovable… I can’t figure out what makes me such an unlovable s*** who isn’t worthy of a partner or sex. Is it my body? is it my face? Everybody says it’s not your fault, but it doesn’t make sense because if I get ghosted by 12 women it’s not their fault???“- – Traditionally, when it comes to dating, men initiate: they are the ones doing the asking, and women respond with a Yes or a No. This means that most men, if they take on the asking, get lots of No-s before they get a Yes, while women don’t get No-s because they are not the one doing the asking. – You say that you were ghosted by 12 women. If you never met these women in real-life and they all ghosted you online (in a dating website perhaps), then being ghosted online is, unfortunately, a very common experience, it’s.. business as usual. How a person comes across online may be a problem: if one expresses an attitude of hostility or extensive self-pity, that is likely to turn people off. – If you met these 12 women in real-life, on a date or a few dates, and then they ghosted you; again, how you come across to women may be a problem. If you come across in ways that women find unattractive, there are ways for you to change the way you come across. For example, let’s say that on a date, you say little and you don’t ask the woman any questions. The result: she may think that you are bored with her, and that you have no interest in getting to know her better. If so, even though you feel lonely, you come across as someone who is not social. In this example, you can learn to make small talk, and to ask questions so that the woman feels that you not bored with her, and that you are interested in getting to know her. You ended your original post with: “I don’t know what to do and I’m in desperate need of someone to talk to“- please talk here, talk to me..? anita[/quote]</p>
    hi anita

    my first date i asked little questions because i was shy, but ive gotten over this and I can talk all over the place now, but every single women i’ve met these past 3 months that i’ve had even the slightest interest in already had a boyfriend. it feels like i’m absolutely doomed everyone’s already been paired up and I can’t meet anyone interesting. I’m so scared i’m going to be alone forever and it’s my fault, but i don’t know what else to do than just settle with some random poor girl that i don’t actually like. I’m not going to do that, but it really feels that’s my only option. If things continue like this for 3 more years I might. I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what’s wrong with me from a dating perspective and I continually come up with nothing. I’m so sick of being left out of sex and romance and intimacy and partnership because I can’t get what I want. I don’t know how to take the steps to be able to get what I want which is a leader. I want a girl who knows what she wants, absolutely doesn’t need me but chooses me, brave, unwavering, unique, a fighter, determined, fiery, and passionate about her purpose. So many people I meet especially girls (maybe this sounds mean but i don’t mean it like that) seem to be content with having no purpose, or their purpose is loving somebody else. I know why I don’t want that, because that was me and still maybe might be a little bit. For a while nothing would matter as long as I had a partner, my life would be perfect because somebody loved me regardless if I was doing what I wanted to or not. I know now this is not a way to live, at least for me, but I also don’t want somebody like this because I can’t handle that pressure. Despite what I’m saying here i’m a big individual. Being a virgin and single for this long I’m really always in my own space doing what I want, when I want, how I want, with who I want and I like it like that. Having somebody would ease this lingering fear of being alone forever and having sex would get rid of the fear of being a virgin forever, but if I wanted to just lose it I could’ve done that years ago and I certainly can now. I want to feel like I earned it, but so far i obviously haven’t which is making me feel more worthless in my ability and looks and etc. I just don’t know how to get over these obstacles when all my friends seem to be happily paired up too. thanks for reading and inviting me to talk Anita I hope this finds you well and you can shed some light for me, even if it’s telling me I’m being stupid and my perspective is warped I’ll appreciate it.

    Nate

    #432528
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nate:

    You are welcome!

    you can shed some light for me“- I’ll try and I’ll get straight to what I see. You are welcome to let me know if you see what I see, partly or not at all:

    I want a girl who knows what she wants, absolutely doesn’t need me but chooses me, brave, unwavering, unique, a fighter, determined, fiery, and passionate about her purpose… I’m really always in my own space doing what I want, when I want, how I want, with who I want and I like it like that“- (1) Statistically speaking, your expectations are very high, not only for women your age (21) but for women who are 31, 41, 51, etc. (2) Seems like you are afraid of a woman who is less than exceptionally independent because her neediness will take away your independence. I wonder if you grew up with a needy parent who rained on your parade, so to speak, burdening you with her/ his neediness..?

    anita

    #432538
    Nate
    Participant

    hi anita

    I don’t think either of my parents were needy but i don’t remember a lot of my childhood. I know i spent most of my really early days just with my grandma and she probably wasn’t needy but needed help because well she was old and that’s what happens. i guess i’ve always kind of been on my own devices and independent i don’t even know how to have someone else. so someone who relies on me too much or seems like they’ll rely on me too much doesn’t sit well with me and freaks me out. I’m not sure I could be there 24/7 for someone when I still have so much I need to figure out. I can help someone but I also need someone stable enough to be able to help me. I feel like i’m sinking out here and every year i stay a virgin i become less desirable to girls. i haven’t used anyone but ive gotten close to, sometimes ill message girls on instagram or something and once in a blue moon if they actually start responding positively ill just ignore them. I feel like if I don’t have to chase and put everything i have into getting them it won’t be rewarding and it won’t last. It’s also not real if i don’t meet them in real life it feels artificial and almost fake. I have a habit of just ignoring girls who like me because of how picky i get, but if they like me early or easily suddenly i just don’t like them back anymore. maybe im sick in the head or something, but every girl ive liked for real has shown no interest in me and so i had to take all the risks to get anywhere. I guess if im going to be this choosey it comes with the territory, but other people seem to get close to their type pretty easily, while i barely can meet girls who check off my list. i just wish somebody would love and validate me instead of it being the other way around but then when that happens i get defensive because i dont trust it or just plain uninterested in it like some sociopath.

    #432540
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Nate

    As Anita said, it sounds like you have some unrealistic expectations for dating.

    At 21 even while dating, most people don’t even know what love is yet. You hear about it in media, but even that is contrived.

    It’s highly unlikely that you will find love even in a relationship as a 21 year old. People are still figuring themselves out and trying to build a life. Yourself included.

    Dating is really just like having a friend that you have sex with. Don’t pin some unrealistic ideas on it. It’s even okay just to want to have the experience of having sex. It’s a normal part of growing up. The easiest place to meet someone who wants to do that is at a party.

    If you take things as they are. Allow people freedom. Develop friendships and get to know people without expectations of dating them. In time, it’ll happen.

    Some people you are attracted to and some you aren’t. It is the same for women. There is nothing more interesting than a guy who actually cares about you as a person and a human being.

    Meet lots of new people, have fun, have lots of new experiences and make lots of friends! Things will fall into place.

    Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

    #432541
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nate:

    You are 21, friendly, likeable, and you don’t have a problem with making friends with girls and getting their numbers, (“I’ve made friends with so many girls this semester and gotten so many numbers… I have plenty of friends and people really seem to like me“).

    You are a single guy, and you like your space, freedom and independence as a single guy: no girlfriend to invade your space, no girlfriend to interrupt you doing what you want to do, when you want to do it, how and with whom (“I’m really always in my own space doing what I want, when I want, how I want, with who I want, and I like it like that“).

    Many of the girls you meet have no purpose, or if they have a purpose, their “purpose is loving somebody“. They are girls who need a boyfriend and who will follow their boyfriend. But what you want is a girlfriend who is not a follower, but a leader; a girlfriend who has a different purpose than loving someone, and who is focused on that purpose, not on you. You.. need a girlfriend who will not need you at all (“I want… a leader. I want a girl who… absolutely doesn’t need me… and passionate about her purpose“).

    Having a girlfriend who will need you, a girlfriend who will rely on you would be too much pressure for you (“I can’t handle that pressure“),  the idea of it freaks you out (“someone who relies on me too much or seems like they’ll rely on me too much doesn’t sit well with me and freaks me out“).

    You remember little of your childhood, much of it spent alone with your grandmother who “needed help because well she was old“.

    It seems to me that, as a child, your parents were absent a lot (perhaps working, perhaps they were not married and busy otherwise), and you spent a lot of time with your grandmother who wasn’t able to give you much attention and companionship. And so, you were on your own a lot, playing alone, entertaining yourself, doing what you wanted to do, when and how you wanted it (“I’ve always kind of been on my own devices and independent I don’t even know how to have someone else“)… as long as you behaved well, and you behaved well, so you required little attention and supervision by your older grandmother and absent parents.

    You ended your 4th post with: “I have a habit of just ignoring girls who like me because of how picky I get, but if they like me early or easily, suddenly I just don’t like them back anymore… I barely can meet girls who check off my list. I just wish somebody would love and validate me, instead of it being the other way around, but then when that happens, I get defensive because I don’t trust it, or just plain uninterested in it like some sociopath.“-

    – I think that as a child, being left alone a lot (if this is what happened), you got used to solitude and found comfort in it. You got habituated to solitude. Fast forward, a bit too much togetherness feels very uncomfortable, it freaks you out.

    And so, solitude is your preference. But you are not anti-social, you still need people, and a girlfriend, but in limited ways, such that will not interrupt your solitude too much. This is why you want a super-independent girlfriend, one who will be passionately focused on a purpose other than love, other than you.. so that she’ll leave you alone a lot, alone in your comfortable solitude.

    anita

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