I have been in a relationship with a woman for ten months (I am a woman).

She is my 2nd serious girlfriend since coming out in my mid-30s, 4 years ago.

She is separated (but not divorced) from her previous spouse.

I find myself very self-protective in this relationship.  She is a good person but quite frankly I feel that she is emotionally and practically not ready for a serious relationship.  On the occasions when I have voiced these concerns, and stated that I don’t think I can go on with her, she has begged me to stay. I think she knows she is not ready but does not want to be alone.  My concerns are around the many limitations we have in the relationship, all connected to her behaviour and habits: financial limitations tied in with last relationship (property), food habits (unhealthy, erratic, meals together are difficult), staying at home a lot, not being able to make plans, being vague, having barely met my friends, incredibly frustrating communication issues like sometimes I wonder if we are from different planets!  (She is also kind, pleasant, interesting, intelligent, attractive and loving.  I don’t worry about ‘big things’ like her cheating for example.)  I get so frustrated sometimes I just want to cut loose.  I feel I can’t let my love flow because I am always on guard for the next disappointment/frustration/upset.

Recently things had been getting better and yesterday we spent some very loving time together.  Emboldened by this pink glow, I asked her if she would consider spending this Christmas together, as it looked like we’d both be in town and alone (I thought).  She told me she would be spending Christmas with her in-laws (and by default that means ex too) as she always does.  (2 or 3 Christmases have passed since their separation – this hasn’t changed?!). She is very attached to her in-laws as they serve as a substitute family (she comes from another country), which I respect.  But I was pretty shocked to discover they still do Christmas together.  She said she might be able to spend some time with me but it would be in the evening – she would ‘have to see what they had planned’ and it ‘might go on quite late’.  Naturally I was upset.  I asked her gently but firmly if she would consider spending most of the day with me as a priority, as I am her partner (a label she is very happy to use).  She said no, but reiterated that she would spend some of the day with me and she didn’t like talk of ‘priorities’ at such a delicate time as Christmas.

I have to emphasise I have NO problem with her relationship with her in-laws, even her ex.  They all seem to get along well and honestly, it isn’t something I dwell on a lot.  But CHRISTMAS DAY?!!

Now there is a whole part of me screaming GET OUT this is ridiculous!  This is my black-and-white ‘you go girl and don’t take any shit’ kind of championing attitude.

And another part of me, the soul searcher meditator who has been working on being less black and white, aiming to occupy the messy middle in life, to allow things to unfold feels…hey it’s our first Christmas, we haven’t even been together a year yet, it’s far too soon, I just wanted to play at ‘grown up Christmas’ – why should she have to indulge that?

I have the option to spend it with my parents but we have a strained relationship.  I had really hoped I might spend it with my partner this year, for once, finally, at 38, spend it not with my parents.

You know, it’s not so much Christmas itself, it’s the whole hurtfulness of it all.  She has a concrete invitation from me and not anything from them yet.  But she can’t accept mine because of what they usually do.  and yeah they mean  a lot to her.  But don’t I?

Do I have to leave?  I’m tired…