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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • March 18, 2015 at 3:13 pm #74112
    yasmina
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I’m new to the forum but have always liked tiny budda its always helped me with what ever i needed at the time. i am grateful.

    I need to process- it’s been five months since separating from my husband but we live in the same house and it is a nightmare! it is limbo and one minute i feel so strong the next i feel in the depths of confusion and rage! We have two children and the guy is an unreasonable immature serial bully, I meditated and asked God to tell me what this man is. and this is the answer a serial bully i researched this word and there is so much information about this profile and he’s matched to the tee its unbelievable and heartbreaking yet pure fact and truth and recorded as something that does happen not my imagination and is real only just like the same news that my family are narcissist and i went no contact for two years and have recently made recontact but wow wam bam double whammy smack in the face! and my denial has been for 4 months, I’m slowly coming out of it now and accepting this fact and that he probably can’t change, hell his mother can’t so very much doubt he will and he has already issued for a divorce after he has been abusing me for the past 7 years and when he’s called out on his behaviour turns the tables! i feel i can’t wake up from this nightmare, feel ungrounded, spinny and tired.
    Wasn’t even aware of ‘this’ type of personality and I’ve come across many especially narcissists have been surrounded by those toxic people since birth (family) and then i get the denying charming serial bully which is now soon to be ex and is there any wonder I attracted this shit into my life??

    March 18, 2015 at 3:35 pm #74113
    yasmina
    Participant

    sorry i kind of pressed submit coz the bully just barged into my room to give something to me a towel? err yeh ok more like to see what the hell I’m doing. pathetic.

    Anyway this is turning into a rant and I’m not playing victim it may sound a bit like it but he has his warped perspective which is true for him and i have mine, I’m not perfect but all i did was get a job after financial abuse and then he calls a divorce and now he’s changed that story to he’s actually divorcing me over my past relationships?! i don’t know what to pray for now and which direction to go i have two small kids with him and a part of me wants sole custody another part wants him involved but he only wants to parent on his terms (which is total control belittling abusing emotionally mentally) but the scars run deep and can be very traumatic i know i have suffered real bad and only now am i stating to overcome those feelings in adulthood i don’t wish the same for my lil bunnies if I’m perceived as the bad guy so be it i have to do whats best for my kids and I’m the mama so i make the decisions- the kids wouldn’t know what emotional or mental abuse is hell i didn’t and I’m an adult but it was systematic abuse and bullying with a smile abuse that is so debilitating but i survived I’m a survivor and i simply cannot pass this on to my little boys, i do not know what to do as i don’t want to deny my kids of their father but he is a mind game player but then i think that i may become a controlling freak and it may do me good to share as they are in God’s care and i can get my time? and i constantly have this war in my head all the time, about what to do, he really doesn’t want the kids it is only to use them to hurt me and plant vile things in their minds against me i don’t want him damaging them and trying to voice these things to him hell I’m on mute or he goes in to denial, arghhhhh
    how i carved this life for myself? but i never regret my kids
    my beautiful children i am grateful for if i didn’t have them i’d be so lost right now or probably dead. They are my life and what i live for.

    March 19, 2015 at 3:37 am #74130
    George
    Participant

    Dear peachy

    It seems you are hurting alot and yοu say you are deeply confused. I can tell by your large sentences and the absence of full stop punctuation.
    Yet you desire for a change. And this is really important peachy. You are gratefull for your children and you love them, you care for their proper growing up and are willing to take precautions about their health.

    At this point i should congratulate you for your efforts despite being in an abusive enviroment.

    I think the only things that matter right now are: your personal hapiness and your childrens happiness. Do not worry about your ex husband. Your kids need most of all a healthy enviroment to grow up that is why it is necessary for you to be genuinely calm so you will project to them a sense of security. Anything toxic in your enviroment should be curtailed and driven out with small steps-steps that you are able to take without losing your temper.

    Still you experience confusion. If you want to understand how to handle your situation and perhaps its causes -it seems to be bothering you- maybe some sort of guidance is needed. Is there someone healthy that you trust and he/she will be able to support you in these difficult times you are going through?

    Be at Peace, Have Hope
    George

    March 19, 2015 at 4:03 am #74133
    Will
    Participant

    Peachy,

    What can you do to have the two of you not living in the same space anymore? This should be your priority, everything else will become clearer once you have a little distance. You must split up physically now that things have come to this point. Can he move in with family? Can he go to a cheap hotel? Can you and the kids stay with family? Is there a shelter for abused women? Is there anywhere you can go, even just as a temporary solution?

    You won’t be able to get out from under the crazy when he’s constantly there to heap more on top of you. Pull your resources together. Make it happen. He moves, or you move. When you realise this is truly what must happen, you will find a way.

    March 19, 2015 at 8:01 am #74142
    Inky
    Participant

    A woman’s shelter also came to my mind. Every community/county has one. Simply pack a small suitcase and two backpacks. Take all the paperwork (SS #s, ID, etc.) and some cash. There is no emergency. Get them as you come across them. “Take them to get haircuts” BAM! you’re at the shelter. You are abused. They don’t care if it’s emotional, physical, psychological. You are abused, and they will take you in and guide you through the legalities of the divorce. They’ve seen everything and helped women through everything. They will love having you because you have a job and thus are halfway there to getting your own place.

    Get Out and Good Luck!

    Inky

    March 20, 2015 at 3:28 pm #74206
    yasmina
    Participant

    Thank you for sharing your advice guys and it has helped me alot especially about keeping cool and responding but with a serial bully, any response is deemed angry! and exploited, or hateful- theres no reasoning with the unreasonable and its so exhausting, frustrating because i feel doomed if i do and doomed if i don’t with him and it’s not healthy for my kids, its abuse and I’m finding acceptance really hard, its fleeting acceptance it comes and goes and I know theres a lot of work to be done around it and that it will take time, i do give myself permission to do that i have come a long way, and its all about tweaking my plan and following through now and not even smoking now which is a miracle! not smoking means I’m finally removing the problem if i stay in this relation-shit i know il relapse and not just on the cigarettes!

    still can’t believe its happening though.

    the shelter idea-there is no physical violence- and emotional/mental abuse is really hard to prove since he’s such a charmer and has drummed into me that “no one will believe you’ and besides “his” house is our house i believe i am an equal breadwinner since i care for our kids and care for the house/cooking etc so kids and i are going nowhere will just have to wait till its all legally done, this days if you leave willingly he could well change locks etc. and he will never go since its “his’ house stuck for now.

    proper limbo and icky feelings. pass out

    March 21, 2015 at 9:36 am #74216
    George
    Participant

    Dear Peachy

    If reasoning can’t be done with him what other options do you have?
    I believe the state, your family and your friends will support in your decision of leaving this man.
    Of course you supported the family. Don’t let guilt get you down!

    Peachy this situation you are going through, it must be really tough, but it is not impposible. As long as you have your kids, that you really love and care about, and the will to help them, your life will get back to normal. Will and Inky pointed out several ways to separate physically and you ought to choose the one best suited with your feelings.

    I believe you are a very strong person doing all those things and having the courage to stop the abuse you are suffering from. You just have to believe in yourself and get all the help you can get! From family members, social support, a job, counseling. You can make it, you and your little bunnies!

    Have Hope
    George

    March 21, 2015 at 3:56 pm #74236
    Waterfalls
    Participant

    There is a book called “The Language of Letting Go” by Melody Beattie. I highly recommend you pick it up and read it. It’s not that you’re ‘attracting this shit’, it’s that you have a lesson to learn, and until you learn it you will keep getting the same lesson over and over. I have dealt with a narcissist before as well and also with toxic people. They just exist. You can’t change them or hold out hope they’ll change on their own. In their heads they make sense and you’re the one who’s crazy. All you can do is learn to detach when they start pulling you into their drama. You need to learn to set healthy emotional and physical boundaries. Get away from your ex, you can’t live with him – your life and your kids’ lives will always be in chaos. Instead seek peace, and do what you need to do to create that peace in your life. Once you’ve managed to do that, you’ll go to all lengths in order to maintain it, too. Good luck!

    March 23, 2015 at 4:10 pm #74335
    yasmina
    Participant

    wow! a million thanks guys and i really really appreciate your responses it really helps and makes me feel like I’m not alone, i have been doing a lot of prayer and meditation and the answers are coming, I’m still deciding sole and physical custody, till that happens i am letting it go for now…starting to..its hard as hell to hand over my kids to ex and his family but i have to visualise Im actually handing them over to the care of God and I know God is protecting them, it becomes a part of the unseen its magic He is doing for me what i cannot do for myself that makes sense now,
    the guy is looking for a reaction though so that he can record me so pathetic keeps accusing me of taking his things and harassing me over them, keeps demanding he’ll take the kids without telling me where they are going give the guy an inch he’ll take the whole mile this is what’s so hard about reasoning with the unreasonable and all the while i have to be calm and i am being calm i have to for the sake of my kids and karma, I’ve been wearing the dunce cap for too long i.e reacting to narcs and toxic people all my life i know their lil tactics gas lighting hoovering the lot I’m gona just follow my heart now and boundaries yes it is time to break and change this cycle now and I can do this,

    its so gruelling though i can’t tell you and its only the tip of the iceberg, i starting to have a manic moment this is another pattern within me just feel like running away escaping but i can’t fix on anything its just feelings feeling feelings-gahhhhh its like labour without any drugs or help!
    i literally feel like the chameleon serial bully that he is, is taking me I’m like a drug to him
    shut up and put up for how long this is seriously torture

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