HomeâForumsâTough TimesâLife obstacles
- This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 2 months ago by
Anonymous.
-
AuthorPosts
-
March 13, 2021 at 8:08 am #375988
AnonymousGuestDear Inquisitive Soul:
In December 2020, you wrote: “I never really been close with anyone. That’s a huge issue for me. I have no idea how to break this ice”, “I just can’t break the ice”.
Your current thread, three months later is on the same issue, the ice of loneliness: “fear of loneliness… I’m especially sad when there is nice, sunny, or warm weather outside- knowing people are hanging out, having a good time- it makes me feel somewhat stressed.. I feel like I’m missing out.. Inside, I feel lonely”.
This is how I figure the ice of loneliness/ of social isolation came to be: in your previous thread you mentioned, “issues were happening at home.. the hard and stressful period in my family”, and “times of quarreling and blaming each other”. In this thread, you wrote about your family: “basically everyone is miserable, unhappy, or struggling”-
– growing up in a distressing environment, where people socialize in ways that cause distress, no wonder you wanted to escape that kind of socialization in any way that was available to you, including escaping into video gaming: “I found some escape in video games but it wasn’t as extreme until I discovered online video gaming and indulged myself in this thing for years upon years”.
Fast forward, (1) you tend to feel distressed when in social situations, just as you felt in your original social situation aka your childhood home, (2) you still find comfort in being by yourself, just as you did then, and (3) you still feel lonely, just as you did then.
That ice is fear (“fear of rejection, so I’m afraid to connect on a deeper level”), anger perhaps at having been rejected, and it is the habit of not connecting, the habit of being by yourself.
The solution, if I may suggest one: (1) express your fear and anger, (2) form a new habit, that of connecting with other people. Start small, then patiently and gradually build and expand your ability to connect and your comfort level connecting with other people.
anita
March 13, 2021 at 8:35 am #375990
TeeParticipantDear Inquisitive Soul,
It appears to me youâre caught in a conflict of whether to choose yourself or others. When youâre with others and socializing, it usually turns out to be a bad influence on you and youâre forced to cut them off. In other words, if you open up to others, it might cause you harm. But if youâre alone, in your âshelterâ, you feel lonely and you harm yourself in different ways, by e.g. indulging in video games. So you end up feeling bad in either scenarios. Am I guessing this right?
You say: Whenever mom sends me a message âhow Iâm doing?â I always answer âokayâ. Iâve read your other thread, and based on your discussion with Anita there, it could be that youâre repeating the pattern youâve seen in your family. They were trying to protect you from family problems, and now youâre trying to protect them from your own problems, by not telling them the truth of how you’re feeling. But the price of that is loss of closeness and intimacy.
Maybe youâve got that pattern going on with your friends and acquaintances too â perhaps youâre showing a particular âfrontâ to them, e.g. of a busy person, or a successful person, while youâre not really sharing your deeper thoughts and feelings, perhaps your doubts and struggles too. This might be why you attract a certain type of friends, which later turn out to be not the best influence on you.
Do you think this might be a part of whatâs going on?
March 14, 2021 at 3:18 am #376070
Inquisitive SoulParticipantThank you for taking the time and interest in my thread.
Anita, I was aware of these things for the most part when writing this post but wasn’t sure what I should do about them.
Thank you for your suggestions and for pinpointing every detail one by one, it made me see things even more clear.
Maybe youâve got that pattern going on with your friends and acquaintances too â perhaps youâre showing a particular âfrontâ to them, e.g. of a busy person, or a successful person, while youâre not really sharing your deeper thoughts and feelings, perhaps your doubts and struggles too. This might be why you attract a certain type of friends, which later turn out to be not the best influence on you.
That is a very good point, TeaK.
And yes, now I can see what exactly the pattern is and that is, as you said “They were trying to protect you from family problems, and now youâre trying to protect them from your own problems, by not telling them the truth of how youâre feeling”.
I believe I should focus on:
– being more open with my problems, not trying to hide them on every occasion possible – talk about my emotions;
– starting to gradually and consistently communicating with other people.
Thank you again, these things seem simple but sometimes a person can’t see them while imprisoned within its own patterns/habits.
March 14, 2021 at 6:54 am #376071AnonymousGuestDear Inquisitive Soul:
You are welcome. I like your two points plan: (1) to be more open about your problems, and (2) communicate with other people gradually and consistently.
As part of the second, being an inquisitive soul can come handy: learn the art of asking people questions about their thoughts, opinions, values, feelings, life circumstances.. bit by bit, gently and not judgmentally, so to not overwhelm people with questions, appear intrusive and make them uncomfortable (I am still learning this art myself). This way you will get to adequately know individuals and decide over time what if any relationship you want to have with him or her, plus, lots of people like to talk about themselves and are drawn to people who are curious about their minds, hearts and lives.
anita
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 