Lied to a good friend, now she won't speak to me. Can I mend the friendshio?

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This topic has 12 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.

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August 21, 2016 at 8:48 am #112944

Anonymous
Guest

Dear spats1996:

You asked: “Should I try to talk to her?” and “Can I mend the friendship?”

My answer: Maybe later but not before you examine why you were not honest with her, why you lied about the age of the friend you helped with the house, why you made up a story that you had a fight with him…?

Also to examine: your childhood: relationship between your parents and between you and your parents. Did you learn to hide the truth and try to manipulate circumstances from them?

anita

August 21, 2016 at 9:42 am #112945

Inky
Participant

Hi spats1996,

I think she was lying to herself that you were just a friend. I could be wrong, but I believe she must have known on some level that you liked her romantically. After a year you kind of have a clue, you know?

Then she was blindsided by the lie/confession. But she is uncomfortable NOT because you lied, but because now she has to admit to herself that you liked her all along. That she in fact lied to herself “Oh, he’s just a friend”.

It’s hard because you’re graduating. Unless you would see her everyday, gently drop her, let it go, and chalk it up to a learning experience.

Best,

Inky

August 21, 2016 at 3:58 pm #112948

Anonymous
Inactive

You should know in your guns if there is more you can handle after failure .. we should know our crossing line. How many layers of your vulnerable dignity would you sacrifice in fight for Love?

It’s a win or lose game.. neither way you’re winner. For me anyway xxx

August 22, 2016 at 3:19 am #112980

spats1996
Participant

I think I lied because I’m afraid of rejection. That is why I lied about it all. I thought that if I wasn’t interesting that she would drop me. It stems from me being so insecure. I tried pushing her away because I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings for her. I thought that if I told her the truth that she would reject me and end the friendship. I never once hinted that I liked her. I don’t think that she doesn’t want to contact me because she thinks that I like her. She thinks that I’m a horrible person because I lied. She probably thinks that everything that I confided in her is a lie. I don’t think she cares anymore. I’m just very upset over this whole thing. What makes it worse is that I caused all this to happen.

August 22, 2016 at 7:50 am #112988

Anonymous
Guest

Dear spats1996:

The reason I suggested that you examine the reasons you behaved the way you did with her is because if you don’t and you contact her and she responds positively, then again you will get scared of rejection and again you will give her the cold shoulder, withdraw from her and … lie to her. This will cause her more pain, more distrust and will make you more miserable.

So better examine, look into things, gain more understanding than you have now before contacting her.

If you go as early as you can in your memory, when did you start feeling rejectable? Was it in the context of your interactions with your parents- the ways they treated you?

anita

August 22, 2016 at 3:03 pm #113030

Anne
Participant

This jumped out at me:

> . If I couldn’t have her as a girlfriend, then I didn’t want her. What kind of person does that?

The kind of person who does that, is the kind of person who knows their limits. It’s a person who knows that trying to be “friends” with someone they have feelings for is not authentic and true to themselves. As you’ve seen, when we deny the truth of ourselves, things get very complicated very quickly. I’m so sorry you’re hurting, and that you miss your friend

August 22, 2016 at 7:18 pm #113033

spats1996
Participant

Anita: I definitely understand what you are saying now. I really don’t want to repeat history sort of speak. My rejection is mostly caused by my stuttering. I feel inferior to people because of it. Another possible reason is because of my older cousin. He made me feel like my normal self wasn’t acceptable. He tried to change my appearance and how I would interact towards people. Basically, I think because of him that being myself isn’t good enough. I have to make myself sound better in order to fit in. So, I think that’s why I made up the story of the house. As far as my parents, ever since I started doing well in school from an early age I was pressured and expected to do well in school. I was always afraid to disappoint my parents, especially my dad. So, I tried to please him in every aspect of my life. Maybe always trying to please people made me lie to her. Anyways, it really doesn’t matter because she probably will never want to talk to me. I’ve given up.

August 22, 2016 at 7:21 pm #113034

spats1996
Participant

Anne: Yes, I know that I wasn’t being authentic, but she didn’t deserve what I did to her. I acted like a spoiled child. I should have just accepted it and been a true friend. At least, it would have been better than losing her.

August 22, 2016 at 7:35 pm #113036

Anonymous
Guest

Dear spats1996:

You wrote that you were “always afraid to disappoint my parents, especially my dad. So, I tried to please him in every aspect of my life”- it is a scary way to exist, for a child, to be afraid to lose your father’s approval at any moment. It is a huge pressure to have to win his approval every day.

If only you were approved of unconditionally by your father/ your parents, you could have relaxed, as a child, feeling safe, not afraid to lose their approval at any moment. Losing your parents’ approval, especially your father’s, was a constant threat you lived under as a child. This anxiety could have been what brought about your stuttering.

You wrote: “Maybe always trying to please people made me lie to her”- we do resort to desperate measures when we feel threatened. I suppose you still live under the pressure of fearing losing approval, including this young woman’s approval.

Did I understand you correctly in this post? Please let me know.

anita

September 11, 2016 at 3:02 am #114911

Anonymous
Inactive

We all lie sometimes because we think it’s for the best. The moment like this are here to teach us how to forgive if we really care. If she is able to forgive you, than you have found a true gold friend. Don’t worry if she doesn’t.
Truth and forgiveness is a strong foundation of real friendship. Xxx

October 10, 2020 at 8:27 am #367731

Alex
Participant

Hello spats, I’m wondering how things went for you after all.
The thing is that I lied to a friend because of my fears to be rejected and now she doesn’t trust me anymore and I haven’t talked with her for almost a year now…
“We’ve talked” but it’s just me trying to explain and she ignoring me and telling me that it isn’t important for her anymore and that she couldn’t be my friend anymore because “it would feel weird”, and I understand her, but it seems that she doesn’t want to understand me…

October 10, 2020 at 8:48 am #367740

Anonymous
Guest

* Dear Alex:

I hope the original poster will answer you, even though his last post here was more than 4 years ago. If you want to share more of your story, here on this thread, or better- start your own thread (go to Forums above, choose a Category, scroll down and type in the empty boxes), please do so and I will reply to you.

anita
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