Hello Jane!

Something struck me in your post, and it kind of connected with some of your other posts here, so I hope you don’t mind a bit of analysis first 🙂

You’re saying “life hasn’t presented that to me”, as if you are patiently waiting for your dream to come true. This kind of correlates with waiting for your partner to notice what he should be doing, and not expressing your own needs. It is as if you are passive and powerless in your own life. That is a choice though, because if you have some control over something, it’s you and your actions.

I’m not trying to criticise you, but rather want to point out that perhaps the answer is so near to you that you can’t really see it yourself. Also, I am speaking as someone who used to have huge problems expressing needs out of fear of sounding needy and who somehow sabotaged her own dreams and goals because didn’t feel like they were deserved. I kind of also waited for something big to happen whilst reacting passively to the events in my life.

I don’t know what your dream is or why it would be too late to achieve it. Sure, some specific dreams do have an expiration date. But one specific thing shouldn’t be the source of all your happiness and focusing on what you can’t have would neatly justify not working towards taking responsibility over your own happiness.

You do need to be active and take action towards your goals. There are people who have worked towards their dreams their whole lives, relentlessly and not waiting for someone to hand it to them. I am not one of those people, but I admire those who are 🙂 I do believe though that if I really, truly wanted something, it would be down to me to make it happen, and if I’m not willing to work on it, then I’m not allowed to blame the circumstances.

Quite honestly, I’m not sure if letting go of dreams would leave you at peace if you haven’t really tried to achieve them. If you really try and fail, then at least you have tried. No regrets. The bitterness and regrets lie in the passiveness and feeling like you aren’t in control of your own life.

…and I’m sorry that I’m having a bit of a “tough love” approach in my responses to you, but there is a reason to it. I have been passive and had all kinds of elaborate defences built around me, and then felt bad and looked for the answer outside of myself and in other people. So, I feel like I want to shake you up a bit and say “no, look, it’s you, it’s you!” 🙂 Take your power back! Freely express your needs and desires and take action and do things that make you feel happy. It might feel weird at first, but the more you do it, the more confident you’ll feel, and the easier it becomes!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by The Ruminant.

Hi Jane @goodkarma1

It is a rather interesting and deep question that you have posted. I would like to share my perspective with you in the hope to inspire you to keep chasing your dreams. I have not read TR’s or now Inky’s post prior to writing mine so pls excuse any doubling up if any.

Who decides if life is meant for something or not ? Who tells us that we are not to go on a certain path ? Who tells us if a certain partner is the right choice and we will have heaps of beautiful bubs with them and live merrily ever after etc ? WE DO.

No one has to let go of any dreams or desires to live peacefully in the world. However, most of us come close to giving up on our dreams easily if we have faced couple of failures (while trying to chase this dream). We sometimes lack the persistence to keep chasing the dream. I think it all comes down to the importance of that dream in your life and what price you are willing to pay to achieve it.

If a dream is really important for your inner happiness and contentment in life, then you have to chase it until it is very clear to you that you are not going down the right path. And trust me, your inner being will tell you when it is time to give up the chase and find a new better dream. Until then, it is chase time, lol

Many people who have succeeded in living a life of their dreams have done so with persistence and introspection. At every step, they reflect on the importance of the dream to their well being and are not afraid of failures. However, if a dream is constantly bringing you sadness, instilling fear, poor health, self-doubts etc then this dream is not worth striving for OR the hidden message is that you need to change your expectations and strategy for achieving that dream.

Life works best when it flows like a river. Try dropping stones or big objects into the river and the water will still find its path around those objects and continue to flow. When the water becomes stagnant for whatever reasons, it breeds diseases. We are so similar. Keep flowing with life and everything feels awesome. Become stagnant with unresolved issues and we start to develop all sorts of anxiety, panic attacks, diseases etc.

And what I have learnt so far is that, no matter how much wisdom we gain or spiritual we become etc….if our worldly dreams are not fulfilled, we aren’t climbing the ladder of spirituality to the max. Only when our deep desires are fulfilled that we are able to progress on the path of self-realisation or reach a state of no-attachments.

Keep striving woman. If one path doesn’t work to getting you where you want to be, then change the path. One of those paths will definitely help you reach where you need to be. Everything happens perfectly for our highest good in the big scheme of things. We just need to develop that vision by being kind to ourselves and our needs 🙂

Best wishes,

J

Wait ~ is this the guy with The Room Mate??

OK ~ and this is just me ~ if you’ve been dating for more than a year, a proposal/a ring is forthcoming. Because we women go crazy with The Clock thing (and it’s a real thing!!) then why would you let him get in the way of your future children? That’s how I see it. Who is this guy who is standing in between my children and grandchildren? Is he the father or just some guy? If he is the father, we have a biological time limit, baby! If he’s just some guy ~ well, see ya!

Tell him you need an engagement or you will be dating other people who want the same thing. He is, of course, the first choice, but he has to want it too. And when he does, you will be there if free!

There will be even more anger. Trust me. But, it is possible that when he sees other guys take you out, reality will crash into him and he will realize what all the dating was for.

🙂

How long have you been dating, and how old is he ~ or rather how is his maturity level?

Yes, I know the feeling ~ You want it to come from him, and you feel bad for wanting, but you want nonetheless.

You could have your own internal timeline, but unless he’s psychic, he won’t know. Guys don’t usually think, “GF in mid-thirties, might want a family now”. Unless he has some wise uncle-type who tells him, “Don’t date someone for more than two years without proposing. It’s not fair to the girl.”

We’re supposed to be all enlightened, but that pesky biology thing!

My main worry for you is that he might assume this is a reaction to the roommate. Do you think he’s distant now because he’s annoyed with the roommate topic, that he’s been comparing/contrasting in his mind or because they’re having talks?

What I would do:

1. Say, “Now that I’m in my mid thirties I’m beginning to freak out about having children b/f it’s too late.” Say it in passing, as if you’re venting or anxious. See if he says anything. (He might not!!)

2. Now that he knows it’s “a thing”, during the holidays say, “Listen, this is really bothering me, I have to date other people b/c I want a family b/f I can’t have one.”

3. (which should be 2 lol) Maybe gently urge him to talk about it a few time before. DON’T nag about it! Don’t get moody/depressed around him!! If you do it right, he will think it’s his idea! But if he’s not right for you, you have let him know and broken up with him in the gentlest way possible.

My DH was 40 and probably gun shy about marriage (with old girlfriends he definitely had “the talk”). I think early on I said, “I want to know where this is going” and that was it.

Another friend resented when everyone told him to get married. But once he did he was (and is!) over the moon! Go figure!

Good Luck!!!!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Inky.