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Letting go of jealousy and being overprotective

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryLetting go of jealousy and being overprotective

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  • #108085
    Kadidja
    Participant

    I I am 18 years old and my best friend, who lIves in Scotland is 17 Years old and we’ve been best friends for almost 3 years. Around when she wwas 15, she was going through depression and had low self esteem. She told me I was the first friend who trult cared about her, and it touched mmy heart that she said that. We would always talk to each other on Facebook every single day until she would get a bf. At first, I didn’t take it seriously but as time passed,I noticed she kept going after guys who never truly cared about her. Since then, I’ve been overprotective oof her. I would always give her advice on dating until she and I got into a huge argument 6 months ago about her current bf (6 months ago) He lives in Oregon and after he and his ex broke up he went after my friend. My friend has a hard time saying no to people, so when he asked her out she said yes. I asked her why and she said she didn’t know. Only 2 months of dating, he flew from Oregon to Scotland to celebrate my friends birthday but he stayed in her house for a month. I got really angry because it wasn’t fair that someone she barely knew not only lived with her but got to spend time with her. (I couldn’t go because I had finals) ever since he ccame into her life, she would spend more time with him. Sometimes she’ll tell me it’s because oof school and work or that her phone wouldn’t work properly so she couldn’t talk to me from time to time. When I wanted to spend time with her, she stood me up more than once. She apologized but my other friend showed me a picture of her and her bf skyping and it broke my heart because I really wanted to spend time with her. She said sorry and asked if we could have another day to spend time together. We were able to but she gotten even more busy! I barely talked to her until I graduated high school last month. And I found out a few weeks ago that she’s here in America living in his house. She told me that she was going to and I told her no you didn’t because you never told me and that I wanted your first time in America to be with me. And she said sorry to me. I told her I would leave her alone with him but she refused and said that his parents wanted to meet her and that we can still talk. BUT at the time she tolde, I wanted to scream at her and said why couldn’t you say no for once? I never get to talk to you anymore and you’re always too busy for me and it hurts too much,but I ended up not saying it. I told her before that I missed her and she said that she miss me as well. I decided tto not speak to her for a while because anytime when I talk to her, I end up getting more attached to her and jealous that her bf is spending more time with her than I am. I don’t want to feel jealous of him anymore. I miss my best friend so much and I try not to cry about it. I hang out with my other friends and family along with me spending time with myself,but sometimes my jealousy will come out of nowhere. MMy best friend and I are planning on going to France this year to celebrate her and my birthday along with our 3 year friendship. I use tthis to remind myself that there’s no need to be jealous of him anymore but sometimes it doesn’t work. I don’t know what to do anymore. I told her that I would not speak to her for a while because I want to control my emotions and not try to make her feel guilty or make her the bbad guy. Please help

    #108087
    Kadidja
    Participant

    Sorry for the typos. I was typing really fast. I also don’t want to.be possessive of her nor controlling. When I said I wanted to leave her alone with him, I meant I wanted to leave her and her bf alone until she flew back to Scotland. I understand that it’s her life,and I aam not her parent.

    #108094
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi iamfreee,

    A not fun reality is that some teenaged girls will drop everything and everyone when a boy comes around. She WAS busy ~ with him! And she didn’t tell you her plans to come to the States because she just wanted to be with him ~ with no distractions! She can say “No” ~ to you!

    If you do indeed see her for the trip to France, make the best of it.

    But you should realize that this is NOT your “Best Friend”. You may be a best friend to her, but she is not to you. Give the title to another friend ~ one who deserves it.

    Don’t dump her, but let her contact you first for a while. And don’t mention the BF. And if she mentions him, be all Neutral about it or say (Nicely) that you have to go now, catch you later!

    Best,

    Inky

    #108099
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear iamfreee:

    I wonder why you chose the name I-am-free- could it be that you want to be free of your attachment to your former best friend (former, because she is no longer)? And be free of the jealousy and longings and distress in that attachment?

    If so, then relax into the reality that she is not your best friend. Maybe she was at one time, but not anymore. And there is no reason to believe that she will be again. If you accept this, you will stop hoping for a repeat of the past. As close as the two of you were at one time, that is now in the past. It is over.

    Can you do that, relax into this reality, let it be and no longer try to change it?

    anita

    #108116
    Kadidja
    Participant

    I actually want to be free of jealousy of her other friend and bpyfriend because they get to physically spend time with her. I’ve never met her, I live in Georgia. So I immediately feel jealous when they get to hang out with her knowing that I never met her. Along with me being too attached to her. I want things to change for the better between us. I know how hard it is to keep a friendship healthy and successful along with it being balanced. She does want to still be my best friend, but she doesn’t know how to have a healthy friendship because all of her former friends just used her but she only has 1 friend who she’s been friends with for 6 years who shes always been too depended on until she met me. Yet her friend doesn’t like me because she was jealous of me. My best friend still wants to try to make things work for us and I understand how difficult it can be. So sometimes I think that when I am jealous, I try to place so much expectations of her to be my friend. I just want to stop being jealous of them but I don’t know what to do about my jealousy

    #108118
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear iamfreee:

    I do hope then that you will be free of this jealousy. For this purpose, leading to such freedom, I lead to a question and ask it of you here:

    You wrote about your friend that “her former friends just used her”- you have great empathy for your friend for the fact that she was used. You know how painful it is to be used because you were used. You can’t feel her pain for being used unless you felt it yourself for having been used yourself.

    Can you tell me abut your experience being used by another person or other people?

    anita

    #108124
    Kadidja
    Participant

    Now this is all making more sense…It all started when I was 8 years old. I was a very sweet and smart little girl, I would always get in the teachers good side. Some of the other kids started to bully me because of my ethnicity..(I am half american and Ivorian) They would stop bullying me unless I gave them answers to the homework,tests,quizzes and would do most of their projects. In 4th grade, I met a couple of the popular girls and became friends with them. But they were bullies. Anytime when I wanted to say no to them, they would either stop talking to me or pressure me into doing whatever they wanted. I had this friend who was dear to me but I chose the popular friends over him. He was really sweet and he protected me against the bullies. We got into an argument and he told me these words that Ill never forget…”You said I was your real friend so why hang out with people who dont care about you”. I felt sadness and regret. The last time we spoke was when I said goodbye to him. He had to move.His name was david and to this day I still remember him. I was also used in 5th grade by some other people, but this time I started to stand up more of myself. Some of my classmates kept wanting me to stand up for myself against the bad kids. So the day I did, this person who I thought was ny friend insulted me in front of everyone and I burst out crying. I was 11. I have been used again in 6th some of 7th a little bit of 8th and 9th grade. In 10th grade, I met my best friend from scotland whose name is Molly. she was one of the very few friends i have who has never used me. The last time I have been used for someones own personal gain was this girl name Callie. She told me she was shizoprenic and bipolar and she had very bad anger issues. I didnt want to believe that she used me,but I realized it that she never saw me as a friend. I rarely quwstioned with how she treated me. She would cuss me out and became verbally abusive to me if I did not like what she was doing. one time i told her I didnt like that she kissed her ex in front of me(she knows I am uncomfortable with Pda) she told me excuse the fuck out of me i can kiss whoever I damn want and that it wasnt any of my business. I felt deeply disgusted by her and told her yes it is because whoever you kiss in front of me is my business. Then she cussed me out even more until I apolgized. I thought it was very unfair because I always let her do whatever she wants and the minute I say or do something she doesnt like, she would not talk to me until I apologize or cuss me out. When I told her I was going to cuss her out, she threatned to physcially harm me. She said horrible things to me that I think im so tough, I lose friends too easily, I am too sensitive and other things. I wanted to cuss her out by saying that she was a horrible bitch who is so hypocritical and that she should go and kill herself and no ones likes you because you always threatned to harm them and that you have no friends at all. I didnt say any of it, but instead I stood up for myself and told her that my friends understand me, I lost 2 friends and you know that. along with me apologizing. I got mad and stressed over her because she would only be satisfied with me when I would do things her way. I wanted her to die or at least have horrible things happen to her. But the reality was, I was so mad at myself for being used again. I hated it so much. I am truly a nice and good person. I do care a lot about the current friends I have now. I guess when I see Molly(my best friend) is still friends with her friend of 6 years, i think the truth is is that I want her to stay away from her. She even told me that she thinks that her friend was using her before. I also want her to leave her boyfriend because I believe he’s using my friend so he wont feel lonely. I do not trust him or her friend. I do not trust her boyfriend because when they were dating for 2 months and he came to stay at her house , he told her he wanted to live with her and that he loved her. For some people, thats sweet but for me it was like what the hell! You are lying to my best friend because not only have yall barely dated but you’re promising my friend something that will never happen. His ex gf cheated on him. and when he was heart broken and molly kept comforting him,he decided to date her. I do not believe he loves my best friend.Even though they have been going out for 10 months, i do not believe they love each other but its more of they are staying with each other out of fear of being lonely. my best friend molly has always wanted to date an asian and she keeps dating from guy to guy.She wants to feel love from a guy because her father never accepted her nor love her. Which explains why I do not want her to be used by some guy like her boyfriend or from her friend of 6 years. I do not want her to get her hopes up at all thinking that she’ll be with them forever. I do not want her to cry over them when they hurt her. I just dont want her to be used like I was. My ex boyfriend never loved me(we were 15) I comforted him and accepted him and he took advantage of my kindness then broke up with me. I do not want my best friend to be hurt like I was. She told me that every guy she dated except for 1 has used her and never accepted her. Even the guy she is dating accepts her peircing and tattoo, hes just rushing the relationship with my best friend and she wants to marry him and have his kids and they are only 17. I do not want her to be unrealistic like I was. I learned to deal with reality,but for her she wants peace and no arguments. I am sorry I wrote so much. I feel better getting this off my chest

    #108138
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear iamfreee:

    I felt very sad to read your history of being bullied. I still feel sad. These are my thoughts at this time:

    First, reality is, as you well know, that there are a lot of bullies in our lives, and that is very unfortunate. We don’t imagine them, they are real. We therefore have to be careful who we associate with so to not get unnecessarily hurt: get to know who we are dealing with, stay away from bullies, that is, from abusive people, and become vulnerable to people we can reasonably trust.

    Second, you have deep hurt, understandably, from having been bullied. Hurt and anger and fear all mixed. You still need to express these feelings, process them, and release their intensity. Best to do this in therapy with a competent, caring therapist. There is still work for you to do in this regard.

    Third, once your friend told you she was used, that triggered in you these intense feelings of having been used yourself. Now this is where the problem is: you got so identified with your friend that you lost the distinction between her and you; between her experience and yours. The two are not the same but it seems the same to you.

    You are projecting your experience into hers. And even though there are similarities, the experiences are not the same. Her boyfriend may not be using her although you believe he is. Once you process your own feelings, your own experiences, the intensity of your hurt, fear and anger will lessen. When that happens, you will be able to see your friend the way she really is and the people in her life, the way they are.

    This realistic understanding will allow for your feelings to fit reality: your desperation to save your friend will disappear as you will know it was you all along that needed saving.

    Please do post again, anytime.

    anita

    #108143
    Kadidja
    Participant

    After reading what you said, I understood the big difference between me and my friend. She hates arguing so much and would say I am sorry just so the person can forgive them. I do say I am sorry when I argue but at the same time,I make sure I at least say how I feel or what I want. I also realized that she still has a very hard time saying no to people and that she cant stand up for herself. After being bullied, I have been saying more what I want and how I feel( but I also think about it first before doing) I am also realizing that anytime we argue, she rarely tells me how she truly feels about my actions. So I think that she is afraid of me getting angry and taking it out on her again. Better yet, I think she is still afraid of me leaving her. I have taken care of my anger issues because I took it out on her when her bf came to visit her because I felt replaced. Since then, i have been going for help to deal with my anger. One time she broke down in the bathroom. We barely spoken to each other over a year ago because ever since her friend of 6 years broke up with her bf, she took all of her time! I felt abandoned and felt the distance and jealous of her friend. That was when I started to develop anger issues when I was 17 years old. I sent her a text and it sounded like i didn’t want to be her friend anymore.(It was a misunderstanding) She came to me crying and said that she wanted to still be my friend and that she was sorry for hurting me. I felt so ashamed and hated myself for making her cry, and I apologized to her a lot. We forgave each other,but her friend of 6 years messaged me saying I am just someone who lives in america and that I have been friends with Molly for 1 year while I have been friends with her for 5 years and that I was the one who helped molly go back to school. (Molly told me I was the main reason for her going back to school,because I showed her so much love and that I believed in her and that she is at her happiest when she is with me). As I am writing this, I am beginning to understand that I have no reason to be jealous of her friend of 6 years nor her bf. It is just having a friend who lives in a different country can be difficult from time to time. So sometimes I can’t help but get jealous when her friend of 6 years gets to hang out with her every single day and go to the same school along with her bf who gets to travel to Scotland or have his parents meet Molly taking time from me. I do spend time with my other friends. It is also not fair that her bf is saying stuff like I want to live with you knowing that people can change. Molly still wants me in her life,so how can I be in her life when he wants to spend every single minute with her? If we were in our late 20s, I would understand her getting married and not talking to her a lot. But he wants to spend every minute with her. So i can’t help but wish that he would get out of her life for good. The moment his ex cheated on him, he just wants to spend every minute with him and it annoys me so much that she does not know how to balance her time. I even have some other best friends who still find the time to want to talk to me and actually spend more than 10 minutes to want to talk to me. She knows how much Ive missed her, she always says Yeah I know. but I want to tell her no you don’t if not we wouldn’t be having this argument. I think that I expect too much from her to stay in my life. But I usually get like this when I rarely talk to her because it hurts when I miss her and feel that is very unfair that they get to spend more time with her. I appreciate you reading this 🙂

    #108144
    Kadidja
    Participant

    every minute with her

    #108145
    Kadidja
    Participant

    Also what should I do to stop feeling jealous of them? I am a little bit scared that he is going to take her away from me. I do want to see molly get married and have kids,but I dont want to hear her talking about it so soon knowing that he will change and so will she. SHe is going too fast with him and, i feel left out. I just want him gone. I have spoken to him before and he seemed like a nice guy until i found out that he did not want molly talking to other guys months ago. She did tell him to trust her, but I still do not trust him. I want to stop feeling jealous of him.

    #108147
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear iamfreee:

    I bet it is very difficult to live with this jealousy at the boyfriend, so no wonder you want to be free of this jealously, this distress.

    There is the one issue in my last post to you and you addressed some of it, trying to see Molly as an individual different from you having some similarities and also, differences. Then there is the issue of jealousy.

    I am trying now to connect the jealousy to your experience with your mother or father. Did you try very hard, as a child, to get the attention of either one, only someone else, or other people took your father or mother away from you? Someone took their attention away from you?

    anita

    #108152
    Kadidja
    Participant

    I’m sorry for reporting you, I pressed something wrong. For your question well,I was really close with my dad and my mom sometimes. I remember now. When I was a little girl,I had this childhood friend. She was my best friend. My mom compared me to her a bunch of times. She would always say how smart she was and I would get jealous.sometimes she did pay more attention to o am, I ended up becoming possessive. Anytime when she would come over to my house, my mom treated her like a daughter and I did not like it I thought I was the smartest child in my moms eyes. I did not like how my mom saw her as another daughter. I used my jealousy to try to get better grades so when I did better than her, I felt success.I would say to my mom, i did better than egiya in math, history and spelling. when I was being bullied, some of my “friends” wanted to replace me with someone else. I felt hurt by it and said nothing and kept it all in. Then it started to follow me in middle school. Especially in 8th grade, before I met molly I had someone who was my best friend and her name was Jordan. She was sweet. I also got jealous of her beauty because she was popular and a lot of guys liked her. But I said nothing aND kept it all in. In 8th grade me and her shared a friend. Me and this friend had a falling out and competed for Jordans attention. I always thought that I was number 1 in her heart, so anytime when I would see Jordan and my former friend, I grew more possessive and jealous of Jordan. I wanted Jordan to be all for me. Then in high school, we’ve changed. She grew more popular, I felt more left out and distanced from her. I thought we would be best friends forever but I was wrong and called myself a fool. Anytime I made a friend in middle school,I would feel great joy. But when someone I don’t like try to have fun with them,I grew more and more jealous. I saw egiya hanging out with my friends and I ended up freeing more jealous.I always thought in my head, they like her better than me. She’s going to steal my friends again. I want her gone and out of my life. I didn’t want to hate her but I kept getting jealous. I was a shy quiet girl who people barely know my name and she was the outgoing loud girl popular girl who you can’t help but want to be friend with. In 10th grade, egiya became friends with my other best friend Marissa. Me and Marissa grew apart since then. She also became friends with Laura. She would hang oUT with Laura and egiya all the time, I felt so hurt and unloved. I wanted them gone. Anytime when I made a friend, I thought we would be best friends forever. I thought once I got out of elementary, I would have friends who truly cared about me. Earlier today, I cried. I cried because I felt that none of my current friends love me nor do they appreciate me.but I know that is not true but I don’t know why that made me cry. With molly I feel like that ever since her bf came into her like, I felt that she cwould rather be with him than with me. I thought that she wants to be with himbecause he is able to travel and I can’t. I fear of being replaced. I don’t want to lose someone I care about anymore. It hurts being replaced. I ended up getting depressed when I was 15 because of it and my self esteem was at an all time low. (Alo NV with my ex breaking up with me) I can’t help but get jealous of her bf because I keep having this fear that one day molly will cut me out of her life for him. I told her this and she told me that she’ll never do it and that she wants me to be in her life. She told me that she wants to see me get married, have kids and be happy. She doesn’t like seeing me get all sad.

    #108153
    Kadidja
    Participant

    *along with
    Also I do fear of her bf having more adventures with her. Molly and I have always talked about traveling together. Her bf takes online classes so it’s easier for him to spend more time with her. Her friend of 6 years went to 4 different countries with her. I feel that it’s unfair. When they do that, I don’t have time with her. It’s like they are saying to my face that we are doing this with her and you’re not. I don’t talk to molly on Facebook anymore,because I couldn’t stand seeing pics of her bf and her friend of 6 years hanging out. I already know the truth that with her going to different countries with her friend of 6 years, she would always be depressed. When she went to turkey, I didn’t talk talk to her for 3 days (I was really jealous, she told me she missed me a lot and I felt bad that I didn’t talk to her. Even when she was in Egypt and England, she was still depreseed. When her bf came to visit her, she told me that she really wanted to meet me. I didn’t talk to her for almost a week and when I ccame back, she kept saying how much she missed me. I shouldn’t compare myself to them but I don’t know anymore.

    #108154
    Kadidja
    Participant

    I know she loves more more than those two but I have a hard time accepting the fact that she doesn’t love them more than me. I don’t want her to keep reassuring me because it’s not fair to her or to me.

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