Dear canary,

I would just like to add that you are not too much, and that your need for empathy, comforting and soothing is legitimate. Your anxiety is probably the result of those and other needs not having been met properly in your childhood. There are ways how to meet those needs after the fact, in adolescence and adulthood, in a safe therapeutic setting.

What I was saying is that he, as a young guy and a non-professional, is unlikely to be able to meet your needs, even if he were the kindest person on earth, because there is a wound there that first needs healing. If in addition he has his own issues and reacts negatively to your needs, then he definitely isn’t/wasn’t able to give you the support you need. But help is available, and I hope you can get access to therapy soon…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Dear canary,

you’re welcome. As I said, your needs are totally legitimate, including the need for empathy and understanding, but the truth is that if we have a childhood wound, where those needs weren’t met when they were supposed to – then no one will be able to give us enough, unless we first heal that wound. Or, they will be able to give us in the beginning, as he did, but then they’ll get tired and give up.

You say he accused you of being too sensitive and too emotional, but you don’t understand why:

He told me I was sensitive and emotional but in a bad way. I don’t understand what I was doing that made him feel that way,

The answer could be this:

I would get lots of anxiety and need reassurance that he loves me. He would try his best to reassure me and make me feel better.

I admit I was very codependent on him because I wouldn’t take care of myself sometimes (especially during the end of the relationship) and I wasn’t able to self-soothe my emotions. I relied on him for my happiness a looot. I think that’s why he reacted with resentment and is hostile and disrespectful…

So you relied only on him to take care of you and soothe you when you were upset, and you also needed him to reassure you often that he loves you. That’s all a big burden for a person. He was doing it for a while, but then got tired. It was too much for him to handle, specially when you would go through an episode:

I would listen when he’d talk about himself and vice versa, until I would be going through an episode.

he was showing me love and empathy during the beginning of my relationship, it wasn’t exactly what I needed but I would tell him what I needed and he would understand and change to support me, but as soon as my mental state deteriorates, he’s not able to be there for me.

I imagine that when you went through an episode, it was too much for him to handle, he didn’t know what to say or do. Perhaps his defense mechanism was to “check out”, to not be there for you in those critical moments.

His mistake was that he didn’t tell you you’re burdening him at the time when it was happening, but would use passive aggression instead (like not being available to talk, or talking about himself when you were very fragile and in need of support):

I made sure to never dump everything on him but he never told me at the moment that he couldn’t talk to me (he didn’t set a boundary). I didn’t know I was doing something wrong because he never told me about it at first.

You experienced it as a sudden change in his behavior: at first he was super caring and considerate, and suddenly he became cold and unresponsive. The reason could be simple: it was too much for him, but he never dared to say anything openly. He rather accepted (or appeared to have accepted) your characterization – that he lacks empathy and that he should change. But he said he can’t change, because he allegedly suffers from the antisocial personality disorder. Frankly, this might not even be true, perhaps he’s just told you this as an excuse, because he didn’t want to argue with you any more?

I didn’t realize how hurt he also was because of our relationship until he told me about it and it finally hit me that we had been both hurting each other without realizing even though we loved each other very much.

It’s possible that he too was hurt, because he wasn’t able to meet your expectations…  and wasn’t able to tell you openly how he feels about those expectations. His resentment grew over time, first it manifested as “checking out” (passive aggression), and now he’s showing it openly by being hostile and disrespectful.

I don’t understand why I still love him to this day and care for him. I don’t even know if he feels the same way, even if he doesn’t it never changes the fact that I still care and love him.

There may be many reasons why you love him and care for him. Maybe one is that you feel that deep down he isn’t selfish and inconsiderate, but just couldn’t give you what you wanted. You said he never wanted to hurt you on purpose, and that may be true…

All I really want is to move on with my life and keep the good memories locked away in my heart, it’s really difficult and right now I’m not sure what to do.

You’re right that you need to move on from focusing on him to focusing on yourself and dealing with your anxiety. That’s the only way you can have a healthy relationship in the future.

You say you have a good relationship with your parents, and that they are supportive of you seeking professional help. You also said you didn’t tell your parents when you were admitted to hospital for suicidal thoughts, and that your ex- boyfriend was the only person you talked to about those things. How come you didn’t want to confide in your parents? If you feel like it, please share some more…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Dear canary,

you’re welcome, I am glad it helped you understand his behavior a little bit better, and that you feel more at peace now.

It’s also good to hear that your parents are supportive and understanding – that they aren’t condemning you or blaming you for your anxiety. I wonder when was the first time you experienced anxiety and what it was related to? If you’re willing to talk some more about it, please do…

Dear canary,

thanks for sharing some more… When that situation happened in the 4th grade, when your class mate cut his finger and you got confused as to what to do – have you told your parents about it? If so, what was their reaction?

In the fifth grade, when you felt extremely anxious because the teacher would often pick you to answer questions (to help you come out of your shell) – have you talked about it with your parents? Did they know you were skipping school because of that?

I am asking you this because if you needed to deal with problems on your own (or you didn’t want to upset your parents with your problems), it can easily lead a child to develop anxiety because there’s no one to help them and emotionally regulate them…

Dear canary,

I told my mom about the incident that happened in the 5th grade and my mom would let me stay at home. She did not know what to do but she allowed me to skip school for that reason.

This shows that your mother unfortunately didn’t know how to handle problems like this. She (or your father) should have gone to school and talked to the teacher, and also talked to you to soothe your anxiety. Parents are adults and one of their main roles is to emotionally regulate the child – to soothe and comfort the child, to reduce the child’s anxiety, because the child is unable to do that for themselves. It seems your parents didn’t have those skills and would rather let you to “regulate” yourself by avoiding uncomfortable situations. It seems you didn’t have a proper background, a proper safety net to fall on in stressful situations, and that’s why you likely developed anxiety.

When you were bullied in the 6th grade, did your parents know about that at all? And when you finally stood up for yourself and told that girl that she was rude (but then ran away crying) – did your parents know about it?

Dear canary,

My mother knew about the bullying from the girl but she did not do much she just gave me advice on how to handle it.

What did she tell you?

Only my mother knew about the bullying in the 6th grade.

This means your mother didn’t tell your father about it. What do you think is the reason?

Dear canary,

I don’t think my mom thought it was a big deal to tell my father about it.

yes, that’s a problem. It was a big problem for you, but in her eyes it wasn’t a big problem, and so she downplayed it. Or she let you deal with it on your own (like letting you stay at home to avoid feeling anxious in class).

She probably wasn’t aware of the importance of emotional support and the child’s emotional health. I think it goes into the category of emotional neglect – not providing enough emotional support to the child. She probably didn’t know better, but it still happened and affected you negatively.

Do you have a lot of siblings? Because that too may contribute to the child not receiving enough attention from the parents…