Dear canary:

“I learned that my ex has ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder)“-

The ASPD diagnosis is characterized by a long-term pattern of irresponsibility: difficulties maintaining stable employment and fulfilling their social and financial obligations, failing to consider the consequences of their actions, having a history of impulsive, and often illegal behaviors, leading exploitative, unlawful, or parasitic lifestyles, often aggressive and hostile, with poorly regulated tempers, and can lash out violently with  They disregard and violate the rights of others so to exploit them, for their own gain and pleasure, and they have little to no guilt or remorse about doing so. Some deceive and exploit people by presenting superficial charm, others by intimidation and violence. (Wikipedia, based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM, which came up with this diagnosis and defined it).

“all I wish is for him to be the person he once was, a person that was genuinely trying to be a better person and make his life better“-

This suggests that you knew him in the past as a person who did not fit the ASPD diagnosis. In your previous thread of December 2020, you shared that your relationship with a man with whom you had a 7-month relationship (Aug 2019- April 20). You shared nothing at all that was asocial about him, referring to him as “my first love/soulmate.. a man who made me realize many things about love and life”.

If in your current thread you are referring to the same man, then sometime between Jan 21-July 21, you retroactively “diagnosed” him yourself.. or learned that he received such diagnosis (?)

“part of me is still holding onto the hope.. we’ll fall back in love and be in a relationship. Honestly, I hate it. I hate that hope I have…. hoping our paths will cross again. I really want the hope to leave. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I appreciate every response“-

I think that it is important that you are clear about who is the man that you are hoping to cross paths with again, who it is the man your hope is attached to: is he a bad man (exploits others, aggressive, lacking guilt and remorse for harming others for his gain and pleasure/ asocial)?

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by .

Dear canary:

“He is by no means an evil person because ASPD is different for everyone“-

– True: all individuals that are diagnosed with one disorder are not all the same. But to receive a diagnosis by a competent professional, all people diagnosed with the same diagnosis must have things in common. People diagnosed with personality disorders (such as Asocial Personality Disorder) have to have things in commo, not only during a short period of time in their lives, but for a long, long period of time, showing “a long term pattern” of certain attitudes and behaviors.

“The man my hope is attached to is the man he was before he hit rock bottom. He was genuinely trying to be a better person and believe it or not, he was selfless and kind… He.. was genuinely trying to understand me and empathize with me“- reads like he did not fit the ASPD before he hit bottom and therefore, his current attitudes and behaviors have been short-term, not the “long term pattern” of attitudes and behaviors required for a personality disorder diagnosis.

* Also, people who do not fit the ASPD at all, when tired and stressed and otherwise pre-occupied, tend to not feel empathy for others.

“a part of me wants him to be the person he once was so we can be in a healthy relationship together“- as I understand it, he told you that he received an ASPD diagnosis from a health care professional, but he may have lied to you (“He.. forms little lies to others for his own gain“).

I think that it would be an excellent idea if you ask him to arrange for a professional visit between the two of you and the professional who allegedly diagnosed him with ASPD. In that meeting, you can ask the diagnosing professional for all the information that you need to know regarding your ex’s individual ASPD symptoms, suggested treatment and prognosis. This can help you greatly in regard to keeping your hope that he will recover and that the two of you may have a healthy relationship, or “Letting go of hope”, as the title of your thread reads.

anita

Dear canary,

I now know that I was asking for the bare minimum in the relationship, but it was so difficult for him to give it to me. He has trouble with empathy and he wasn’t able to empathize with me because he was too worried about himself.

It’s good you’ve realized it wasn’t you who was too demanding, but it was him who was self-centered and giving you very little.

I simply want the best version of him in my life again which is why I have hope.

Have you seen this best version of him? If I understood you well, he lacked empathy and was self-centered throughout your relationship. But you also say he was selfless and kind at some point, and tried to empathize with you “even if he had lots of trouble with it.”

You say you knew about his symptoms (I assume his lack of empathy?) even before you dated. Based on everything you’ve written, does it mean that there was a period when he was trying to change and be a better person for you, a person with more understanding and more empathy? But he never really succeeded, and now he’s given up and is just selfish, “extremely arrogant, only cares for himself” and “does not care to be a better person” any more? He returned to his old self?

You say you saw a potential in him, and this is what’s giving you hope. But since he’s given up on bettering himself, you know this hope is unreal and you want to let it go? Am I understanding it right?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Dear canari:

I mentioned that ASPD cannot be diagnosed for people under the age of 18, not because I was under the impression that he is younger than 18, but because you wrote: “he had told me he has ASPD symptoms since his childhood and has been professionally diagnosed“-

– The ASPD diagnosis is not applicable to children, so he couldn’t have been diagnosed as such when he was under 18.

“he is fully aware that he is a bad person and he even admits it. The thing is, he was trying to be better but now he just admits he’s not a good person and does not care”- maybe he is a good person who feels too much guilt and suffers a lot.

You are welcome in regard to the Serenity Prayer.

anita

Dear canary:

I would like to read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now.

anita