Home→Forums→Relationships→Letting go of a past love
- This topic has 12 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 6 months ago by @Jasmine-3.
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June 22, 2014 at 7:21 pm #59364LorraineParticipant
I am struggling and I need help. About 7 years ago, I entered into a relationship with an old high school boyfriend. He was my first love. We were both in our late 40’s and divorced when we reconnected and we started a bi-coastal relationship. When we started dating he was just getting over a very bad break up with his ex-girlfriend. This break up occurred a few months before we got together. A little more background – This ex-girlfriend is a woman that he broke up his 20 year marriage for. He also ended up having two children with this ex-girlfriend before we got together.
When we started dating, I was under the impression that he was “over” this ex-girlfriend. He had once told me that if it wasn’t for the fact that they had kids together, that they would not even see each other. We went blissfully along for about 9 months or so I thought. Just visiting when we could. Always having a magical time. We were really happy and he was telling me that he could not wait to marry me.
So imagine my surprise when I started getting calls and emails from the ex-girlfriend. These emails were telling me that he was cheating on me with her and that he “came on” to her all the time and that they had slept together a few times. I asked him about it and he did not deny it. He told me that he was sorry and how hard it was for him to be in a long distance relationship. I asked him if he still loved her and he told me he did not know if he still loved her but that he needed to be there for the kids because she was (1) bipolar and (2) an alcoholic. I of course learned later that he was still in love with her, but he never wanted to admit that to me.
He told me to hang in there with him while he was figuring it all out. I waiting around for him for a couple of years to see if he would make up his mind between her and me but he could never make a decision. I finally told him I was moving on and started dating my husband. The ex-boyfriend and I kept in touch but it wasn’t until I got engaged 2 1/2 years later that he freaked and told me that he loved me and wanted me back. I told him “no go.” I had already committed to marrying my husband and I did not trust this guy, even though I was still deeply in love with him.
Now here we are almost two years since I married my husband and now he is getting married. He only knew this girl for 3 months before he proposed and they are getting married in October. I asked him if she knew anything about me and he told me that no one could ever really know him without knowing about me. He also told me that he always wanted to be there for me. Well, I have not talked to him since he told me. I acted like I was happy for his happiness, but I know that deep down I am just really pissed off. I am having a hard time letting go of this love I feel for him. He was my first love and I really thought we had something. For a while my anger kept my feelings for him at bay, but now I am having a hard time letting go and “moving over” for the new girl and I have no desire to talk to him about his plans or her or anything to do with her. It just hurts too much. I have not talked to him since he told me he was getting married, because I know now that I can’t “fake” being happy for him anymore.
So this is my question. How do I get over it and move on? They say when you love someone you should be happy for their happiness but all I feel is pain and regret. I cry almost everyday. The kicker is, I love my husband very much – but this other guy I felt was the love of my life. Can someone please talk some sense into me. Or,if you’ve experienced anything like this, let me know how you overcame it. Thanks so much.
June 23, 2014 at 4:40 am #59391InkyParticipantI have a story, but I don’t like to Post-Jack LOL. But boy, do I hear you! The only thing to end it really, is Time, Time, and more Time. Feel sorry for the clue-less bride. This guy has the First Wife of 20 years, The Mother of his Children Impersonating as his Soul Mate, and You, the married Soul Mate. If it weren’t for Girl #2, he’d still be with his ex-wife or with you! But, she has the sacred Mother of his Children Card so she is immune to all bad feelings!!!
You know what, put your energy into The Deserving, your nice, handsome, good Husband!
Ex boyfriend had his chance. Keep saying that. “He had his chance.” Believe it!
Believe also in Reincarnation. He has a lot of relationship sorting to do before you meet again!!
June 23, 2014 at 7:11 am #59393MattParticipantLorraine,
Its very common to form deep attachments to our first romantic love… it usually happens when we’re children, deeply ignorant of the painful aspects of love. This leads to a dream-love, or an infatuation with the idea of a person, instead of the person. Consider, you describe this man as your prince charming (in your heart), even though he sounds like he acted more like a villain in your story. Said differently, sometimes we fall in love when we’re young, more vulnerable, and beings that haven’t earned our tender attentions somehow get them. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Consider that you really dodged a bullet by not marrying that guy. He sounds codependent, wishy washy, and adulterous. Charming, but more pathological than heartfelt. Sure, he may have wined and dined you, played a good boy for a few days while visiting, but then sleeping around and betraying your connection while you were at the other coast. Dispel the dream, dear sister, he ain’t no prince.
For the emotional outbursts that overwhelm you, consider a mantra of letting go. “May whatever karma that remains between us be settled, may we be free. I forgive him for any actions, thoughts, or desires that have lead to either of us suffering. I forgive myself for any actions, thoughts or desires that have lead to either of us suffering. May I be free.” Wield this kind of thought against the anger, grief, and with time it settles. The most difficult part of grief is keeping away from lamentation, such as “poor me, I’ll never, I’ll always”, so its good to let the tears flow, but hold our head high and let the pain settle, the past settle. That’s when our tears become more joyous. “Yes, I’m sad, and what a sadness!”
Finally, consider surrendering your difficulties and issues into a tender hearted conversation with your husband. Here and now, this ex-boyfriend has pressed hard into your heartsong, and if you can share it with your husband, asking for help, perhaps his tender attentions will remind you that some dreams fade, but better dreams grow from their ashes. Perhaps ask him to rub your shoulders, feet, or lower back, or take you out dancing. Something that you really want, need, but have been hesitant to ask. Now’s a good time! Let your husband show you why your heart chose wisely, and the fear may open up into relief and laughter.
With warmth,
MattJune 23, 2014 at 8:24 am #59396LorraineParticipantInky and Matt, you are both very wise and I thank you so much for your responses. I too feel sorry for his soon-to-be-wife. I’m sure she has no idea what she is getting into. I am sure as heck not going to be the one to tell her. Inky, don’t worry about jacking my post. I am always up to hear about how others handled the same situation. In any event, your words do help. Matt, thank you so much for the matra and the explanation about first romances. It makes a lot of sense. I will use this matra religiously, I am sure it will help. My husband who is very intune to my moods, etc. already suspects that there is something going on with me. He doesn’t know what, but he has asked me numerous times if I’m okay. I usually tell him I am tired – which I am. But mostly just tired of feeling this way. The ex-boyfriend has taken up too much of my time and thoughts already. My husband is good about back massages when I need them and taking me out. That’s what makes this so frustrating. He has respected me more than my ex-boyfriend ever had and yet I am hanging on to this dream as you describe. The ex-boyfriend is codependent, wishy washy and adulterous. You so hit the nail on the head with this one!. I just want you both to know that I feel so much better with your advice. Thank you so much!
- This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Lorraine.
June 23, 2014 at 9:19 am #59399InkyParticipantOK, Lorraine/ @islandgirl Post-Jacking Story Time!!!
Once upon a time there was a gorgeous Princess. Just as soon as she came of age, The Dark Magician entered her life, disguised as her mystical Twin Soul. At first life was filled with balloons, smiley-faces and rainbow farting unicorns. Then Dark Magician seemed to put her down, ignore her, and use her. But she couldn’t put her finger on it, so she continued riding the rainbow farting unicorn (but not, you know, RIDING the rainbow farting unicorn ;)…)
Meanwhile, because Gorgeous Princess was swarmed with suitors, she chose the cutest one, who resembled a woodland creature from Bambi. Dark Magician said some strong words, that Princess had the audacity to date other guys even though he kept her stinging along. Princess, being Proud, dumped D.M.’s ass ~ but alas, the spell wasn’t broken!
Bambi, her boyfriend, became Flower the skunk, and, as cute as he was, wanted to be a Princess too. Gorgeous Princess was filled with Laments.
Two years later, Prince Charming, the White Knight appeared disguised as a mere Farm Boy. Still Lamenting Flower, but REALLY Lamenting D.M., G.P. (Gorgeous Princess) agreed to marry Farm Boy. Two years after that, under the Sacred Canopy, the White Knight rose two stations, and became a Prince. But still, the spell was unbroken.
The spell became evil once D.M. married an imposter Princess, that SEEMED to be everything G.P. was, BUT MORE!! Luckily, a Good Angel swooped down, and put the mantle of the Holy Spirit on G.P. before she sank into despair. But alas, the spell was still unbroken.
Finally, seven years later, PISSED, G.P. chose a Banishing Spell off the Internet, and performed a Ritual to break the Spell!!! It worked!!! She felt Nothing!
Later, she met D.M. 20 years older. He had not aged well, due to black magic, karma, and DNA. He saw Prince White Knight, and growled, “Who wears a tie?” sarcastically before he vanished in a cloud of smoke.
The End
P.S. The Prince and Princess lived happily ever after.
P.P.S. Even Flower!
- This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
June 23, 2014 at 9:32 am #59401InkyParticipantP.P.P.S. Prince had no idea about the Dark Magician.
P.P.P.P.S. The Imposter Princess dumped his ass too and then became a Jolly Milkmaid.
June 23, 2014 at 12:06 pm #59408LorraineParticipantLol, I love it Inky. Great story!! I need to get my hands on a banishing spell so that I can feel nothing too. Can’t wait for that day!!!
June 23, 2014 at 12:59 pm #59411InkyParticipantI literally used a Banishing Spell off the Internet. I think I was so ready for it to “Work”, that it happened. Basically I put in, “I release this which no longer serves me.” The Ritual of it all made it happen.
Yes, and as you can see, writing it all down in the form of a fairy tale helps put the archetypes where they belong in your subconscious! I see your ex as a Trickster character, Ex GF as a Siren, you are a princess, DH is an unrecognized prince, etc.
June 23, 2014 at 2:35 pm #59412LorraineParticipantInky, you are quite talented. I love that you made me a princess and my DH an unrecognized prince. And I agree with the Trickster and the Siren characters as well. I can’t even begin to tell you how much better you made me feel.
June 24, 2014 at 4:19 am #59453Big blueParticipantHi Lorraine,
This can be a seemingly impossible process I know. The only way it worked for me was to remove all contact and reminders until ‘the fever broke.’ I also focused on the reasons why the person was not a fit for me. Having said that, I’m still in one now. I see her all the time but dont want to leave the situation. For me I think I will soon remove myself anyway.
You got some awesome and funny advice to work with. Take care of yourself.
Big blue
- This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Big blue.
June 24, 2014 at 6:27 am #59461tashaParticipantOK so I just went through this where I broke it off with someone I gave multiple chances to and I thought it was my first love. I felt like we had it, the special connection, the love, everything, but there’s one catch!!! He has a girlfriend. And he has mental issues, bipolar which he is sorting through. I believe he connects with me on a level that no one else does. He’s admitted that he likes me and I like him. We were talking for so long, I said I loved him. But he didn’t say it back. Then I confronted him that he should tell his girlfriend and he freaked out. Totally backtracked and said he thought we were just friends. He has a lot of self esteem issues to deal with and I am ready to settle down. I had to stop talking to him even though he very much wanted to talk to me and still be friends. But I know that if we are friends again, it will go down the same path. We have mad chemistry together and can’t stop flirting when it starts. We just click like that. So, I am left broken, wanting a man that doesn’t want to change yet and heart smooshed. This is the hardest thing I’ve been through emotionally and I have self esteem issues too. I’ve tried online dating but am afraid…. I think because I have never really had a stable relationship.
June 24, 2014 at 7:58 am #59463LorraineParticipantHi Big Blue. Thank you so much for your support. I agree about removing all contact, just haven’t been able to muster the strength to do it yet. I see him on Facebook. I guess part of me just isn’t ready to completely let go. I would rather be able to change my thoughts and not care anymore. I am much better than I was – and maybe when he gets married in October that will be the final nail in the coffin and I will just let it go. This is what I am hoping for anyway.
Hi Tasha, it’s kind of amazing when we connect with people so deeply, even when they have issues or especially when they have issues. We know it’s no good for us and it’s going no where, but still it somehow feeds us. I hope someday you find and accept the love that you are seeking. Go find someone who isn’t taken. I always say if things are meant to be they will be and the universe will do everything in it’s power to make it happen. People are either blessings or lessons. I think this one may be a lesson for you.
June 24, 2014 at 3:44 pm #59496@Jasmine-3ParticipantThanks everyone.
Hi Lorraine
I have to agree with Big Blue that the best way forward would be to remove all contact. If you do not, your mind will keep fooling you and eventually, it will start to create problems in your current relationship with guilt and all.
Hope you can move forward in life and enjoy what you have currently. Living in the past or future robs us of our happiness and once the moment is gone, it aint coming back.
Best wishes,
Jasmine
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