Lorraine,

Its very common to form deep attachments to our first romantic love… it usually happens when we’re children, deeply ignorant of the painful aspects of love. This leads to a dream-love, or an infatuation with the idea of a person, instead of the person. Consider, you describe this man as your prince charming (in your heart), even though he sounds like he acted more like a villain in your story. Said differently, sometimes we fall in love when we’re young, more vulnerable, and beings that haven’t earned our tender attentions somehow get them. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that you really dodged a bullet by not marrying that guy. He sounds codependent, wishy washy, and adulterous. Charming, but more pathological than heartfelt. Sure, he may have wined and dined you, played a good boy for a few days while visiting, but then sleeping around and betraying your connection while you were at the other coast. Dispel the dream, dear sister, he ain’t no prince.

For the emotional outbursts that overwhelm you, consider a mantra of letting go. “May whatever karma that remains between us be settled, may we be free. I forgive him for any actions, thoughts, or desires that have lead to either of us suffering. I forgive myself for any actions, thoughts or desires that have lead to either of us suffering. May I be free.” Wield this kind of thought against the anger, grief, and with time it settles. The most difficult part of grief is keeping away from lamentation, such as “poor me, I’ll never, I’ll always”, so its good to let the tears flow, but hold our head high and let the pain settle, the past settle. That’s when our tears become more joyous. “Yes, I’m sad, and what a sadness!”

Finally, consider surrendering your difficulties and issues into a tender hearted conversation with your husband. Here and now, this ex-boyfriend has pressed hard into your heartsong, and if you can share it with your husband, asking for help, perhaps his tender attentions will remind you that some dreams fade, but better dreams grow from their ashes. Perhaps ask him to rub your shoulders, feet, or lower back, or take you out dancing. Something that you really want, need, but have been hesitant to ask. Now’s a good time! Let your husband show you why your heart chose wisely, and the fear may open up into relief and laughter.

With warmth,
Matt

OK, Lorraine/ @islandgirl Post-Jacking Story Time!!!

Once upon a time there was a gorgeous Princess. Just as soon as she came of age, The Dark Magician entered her life, disguised as her mystical Twin Soul. At first life was filled with balloons, smiley-faces and rainbow farting unicorns. Then Dark Magician seemed to put her down, ignore her, and use her. But she couldn’t put her finger on it, so she continued riding the rainbow farting unicorn (but not, you know, RIDING the rainbow farting unicorn ;)…)

Meanwhile, because Gorgeous Princess was swarmed with suitors, she chose the cutest one, who resembled a woodland creature from Bambi. Dark Magician said some strong words, that Princess had the audacity to date other guys even though he kept her stinging along. Princess, being Proud, dumped D.M.’s ass ~ but alas, the spell wasn’t broken!

Bambi, her boyfriend, became Flower the skunk, and, as cute as he was, wanted to be a Princess too. Gorgeous Princess was filled with Laments.

Two years later, Prince Charming, the White Knight appeared disguised as a mere Farm Boy. Still Lamenting Flower, but REALLY Lamenting D.M., G.P. (Gorgeous Princess) agreed to marry Farm Boy. Two years after that, under the Sacred Canopy, the White Knight rose two stations, and became a Prince. But still, the spell was unbroken.

The spell became evil once D.M. married an imposter Princess, that SEEMED to be everything G.P. was, BUT MORE!! Luckily, a Good Angel swooped down, and put the mantle of the Holy Spirit on G.P. before she sank into despair. But alas, the spell was still unbroken.

Finally, seven years later, PISSED, G.P. chose a Banishing Spell off the Internet, and performed a Ritual to break the Spell!!! It worked!!! She felt Nothing!

Later, she met D.M. 20 years older. He had not aged well, due to black magic, karma, and DNA. He saw Prince White Knight, and growled, “Who wears a tie?” sarcastically before he vanished in a cloud of smoke.

The End

P.S. The Prince and Princess lived happily ever after.

P.P.S. Even Flower!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by Inky.

OK so I just went through this where I broke it off with someone I gave multiple chances to and I thought it was my first love. I felt like we had it, the special connection, the love, everything, but there’s one catch!!! He has a girlfriend. And he has mental issues, bipolar which he is sorting through. I believe he connects with me on a level that no one else does. He’s admitted that he likes me and I like him. We were talking for so long, I said I loved him. But he didn’t say it back. Then I confronted him that he should tell his girlfriend and he freaked out. Totally backtracked and said he thought we were just friends. He has a lot of self esteem issues to deal with and I am ready to settle down. I had to stop talking to him even though he very much wanted to talk to me and still be friends. But I know that if we are friends again, it will go down the same path. We have mad chemistry together and can’t stop flirting when it starts. We just click like that. So, I am left broken, wanting a man that doesn’t want to change yet and heart smooshed. This is the hardest thing I’ve been through emotionally and I have self esteem issues too. I’ve tried online dating but am afraid…. I think because I have never really had a stable relationship.

Thanks everyone.

Hi Lorraine

I have to agree with Big Blue that the best way forward would be to remove all contact. If you do not, your mind will keep fooling you and eventually, it will start to create problems in your current relationship with guilt and all.

Hope you can move forward in life and enjoy what you have currently. Living in the past or future robs us of our happiness and once the moment is gone, it aint coming back.

Best wishes,

Jasmine