Dear blkhwkdwn1:

I figure what you really want, deep inside you, is to be her boyfriend, her life partner, romantically, physically, in any and every way. I don’t think being friends could possibly satisfy you even if she liked texting, even if you talked more often on the phone and saw her once a month.

What I mean by it, is that the heart wants what the heart wants even if your head is telling you that she deserves better than you and that you are not worthy of her. The heart isn’t going to say: oh, I am not worthy of her, so I will stop wanting her.

This is what I mean by the-heart-wants-what-the-heart-wants.

So you are trying to discipline your heart, to make it stop wanting her by cutting contact with her, blocking her. Didn’t work before, didn’t work 51 pages and 3.5 years.

And if you were her boyfriend, if that happened, you would probably get scared and stop having feelings for her. You would then stay away from her, but then… start missing her again.

This is a difficult situation, isn’t it?

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

“I wonder how she will react?” – to what exactly (you telling her how you feel or blocking her again…)?

Also, I don’t think she ever expressed any anger at you, has she?

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

As to the second question: did she ever express anger at you, was she ever angry at you, that you know?

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

I am glad she got annoyed once in a while, she is human after all.

You wrote to me: “I wonder how she will react? You seem to know how she responds to things well, you think she will be angry or anything?”-

My best answer: if she gets angry, she will get just a bit angry, that is, she will get annoyed, but her annoyance will not last long, it will be gone quickly. The moment she sees that mug you got her that Christmas, she will feel affection for you; she hears music you liked, she will think of you fondly; she sees one of the things made possible for her by you, and she will feel gratitude. She will hear someone say the words: I want you to be free, maybe in a movie, and she will remember that you said that to her, and she will feel choked up as she remembers.

She will not forget you and her memories of you will involve affection for you, appreciation of you, and gratitude to you.

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

“What is this? a broken heart?”- I think it is, a broken heart. You felt love for her for a long, long time. The thought of having no contact with her anymore, for good, is depressing you terribly. This is why every time you  did cut contact with her, you renewed that contact.

Many songs were written and sung about broken hearts. Here is one: “Can’t live without your love and affection”, tell me what parts of it speak to you most, will you?

“Here she comes, mm, just like an angel.
Seems like forever that she’s been on my mind.
Nothing has changed, she thinks I’m a waste of her time.
There she goes.
No, she don’t know what she’s missing.
Can’t she see I’ll never give up the fight.
I’ll do all I can.
She understands my desire.
I’ve been on the outside looking in.
Let me into your heart.
Oh. There’s nothing on earth that should keep us apart.
Baby, I can’t live without your love and affection.
I can’t face another night on my own.
I’d give up my pride to save me from being alone,
’cause I can’t live without your love.
Oo your love.
So I wait, mm, here for an answer.
Wonder if tomorrow will be like this today.
I keep holding on, can’t go on living this way, baby.
I’ve been on the outside looking in.”

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

“She was the light in my darkness so in a way it was like an angel but I can live without her love”- like I wrote to you before, this thread is nothing less than a beautiful love story. You are the loving man in it, telling the story. So glad you can live without her love though (love should not be deadly, if it is, it is nor really love, I figure).

“I also wonder if it’s a wise choice to just end things for good”- I think it is not a wise choice to end things with her for good.

“Perhaps I just need  to tell her I am disappearing for a long while and when I am ready to come back I will reach out again”- this is a better choice.

“If she says she hopes it’s short, I’ll just tell her it will be many many years”- better to not commit to a specific length of time, not to a month, a year, or many years. I would stick to “a long while” instead.

Do let me know how your day progresses and what happens next, will you?

*”what if she’s having a bad time recently? I can’t exactly tell her ‘We can’t be friends anymore, sorry'”- you mean when you talk to her next, before you block her?

anita