I’m only posting to say no, I am not happy for them having problems. I am no longer wishing to pursue her that way since the day I meditated and needed to tell her that money thing and felt relieved, it was a thorn inside me and the last thing I think I needed to get off my chest. If she’s happy than I am happy, I hope she always gets her happiness and I tell her that as well. I’ll be around every now and then to stay in touch sometimes but I have moved on, I no longer really care about those moments we used to have but I would still like to have those moments with other women. Those feelings I had? gone for weeks. I already told her I wish them both a long and happy life together but I just wanted to say that so you know and you wont think I am happy for her not so good news. That youtube guy REALLY made me think ( as well as the meditating) about things and put it into perspective and how I really need to change my mindset. The things that happen to me in my life is all because things I did many years ago and let it slide and slide even if it was unrelated to things about her. This guy used to live in ghetto area and lived a hard life and was a hustler but he’s about stuff like you can create your own reality and being kind to people that deserve your kindness and things like that. Not everyone deserves your kindness but most importantly, the number 1 thing is to FORGIVE everyone, that sets you free. I used to think you were supposed to be nice to everyone all the time, no matter what but sometimes you can’t. If they can’t respect you then forgive them but they don’t deserve your kindness.

All I need to worry about is myself. Don’t put women on a pedistal but love everyone equally and whatever happens to me in my life is because I let things spiral out of control. Own up to my shit, don’t make excuses, treat people with respect and as equals, do whatever you wanna do, don’t let people walk all over you, praise people when they deserve it, etc.

Naw that is correct, anyway catch ya later. Time to play some games and update next year sometime.

I don’t mean to update so soon, but something happened and I need somewhere to get this off my chest.

Last week I called her, talked for 40 minutes and told me she can’t hang out until next year, too busy with working 5-6 days a week, courses when she’s got the day off, helping her man do a project, time with her family, and whatever else she does I dunno. She has made friends with her neighbour and hangs around her now though.

So she was ignoring my texts for almost a few days, then text me she was hanging out with a friend doing something with her and she’s not done this in who knows how long. I am like I am confused? thought you had no time for anyone until next year and you were busy? or was that just me? She texts me back to not take it personal, she does not get out much and can’t comit to monthly hangouts with anyone and that her calendar is so full it’s not even funny. That she appreciates me and our friendship and she’s looking forward to our hike sometime. I just said I am sorry and that I am just trying to understand, i’ve been through this before and it hit me way too hard and that I appreciate her and that I miss when we were close last year and early this year (before her boyfriend), then said see ya later.

It really does sting and I dunno how I can’t take it personal when I never see her anymore and how she said she can’t hang out until next year because she’s busy, then a week later hangs around a friend…WTF?????? recently text her something feels off too and if things were gonna improve with us? she said we are ok, which means we wont improve. That boyfriend really has messed up this friendship, starting to wonder if he’s been doing something?

I have no idea, I don’t know any of her friends or family and only hang around her except that 1 time the start of the thread I was in the car with 1 of her daughters. Do you think I should take this personally? busy woman that’s all about her career, boyfriend, family and women relationships. I can’t STOP taking this personally, like you tell me you’re too busy to hangout with friends and a week later you hangout with a friend, so….lied to me? and hangs around her neighbour and who knows who else.

Like….like…like…how can I NOT take this personally? you told me you’re too busy and can’t hang out until next year with me or anyone, yet a week later “I am going to something with a friend”, clearly I mean nothing…I feel really betrayed. It’s like a friend going “Hey let’s hang out”, then the friend saying they are too busy doing things and you find out they were actually out with other friends and you feel like a complete dumbass and everything you’ve been through together over the years means absolutly nothing to them, like you’re a throw away friend.

The weird thing is, the phone call we had she actually said “Thank you for staying in touch”. Uhh….makes me think about last Dec after Xmas when she said “We are always going to be together getting through everything together”. I don’t care if she hangs around other people but don’t lie to me and tell me not to take it personal.

As for the distance thing…I dunno. Maybe? don’t think things will change if I had my license though, she would still be too busy.

I am mostlly just ranting here, I am an extremist in my thinking clearly. But what should I do? should I take it personally? she did tell me she’s too busy to hang out with anyone, then a week later BAM! she’s out with a friend…also on the phone I told her to keep me updated on something she’s thinking of doing, will be a massage teacher traveling around sometimes and will have more free time s and she said she would (doubt she will) and she will tell me when she does one of her other massages (doubt she will). I’m still kinda butthurt she never told me she got engaged this whole time, or she got a man, and now probably wont tell me about what I asked her if she can keep me updated on, or the other thing I mentioned. Also back in the summer when I asked for a break because things were 1 sided (still are), why does nothing go my way? Call me when you wanna talk, give me updates on important things in your life, don’t lie to me. It isn’t rocket science.

Yeah I am disappointed and yes you understand correctly. I don’t get why I am not good enough to be more then friendly acquaintances? and why she would tell me “thanks for staying in touch”, then why she says “I appreciate you and our friendship”, then she’s too busy for people and then says she’s going to a friends potluck…WTF???? it’s like she  likes giving me mixed signals. What should I do? text her goodbye? or block her? or just move on and not bother responding?

Well, I was fine before so I will probably be fine eventually. I don’t stalk her and think my life will come to an end if she’s not in it. I just wanted to see her more then a few times a year, wanted her to call me because she wants to not because I tell her I wanna talk. She agrees to talk the day I ask or the next day 99% of the time, she’s never too busy to talk for 30 minutes she’s just too busy to hang out with me more then a few times a year. 😐 She also never told me she got engaged despite all the times we talked on the phone and saw eachother 2 times in person (May and July).