Where are the feelings I felt for her go? I just…don’t really feel them anymore since that day I messaged her that I lied to her and was taking off for a while. I definatly don’t feel close to her at all anymore, and she only gives me short 1 liners now in texts. My feelings have been really slowing down day by day for some reason and I really don’t feel any type of friendship anymore.

Well I was feeling less and less for her since the day I posted I lied to her and needed to go away for a while. Then she messaged me the convo I posted and felt like she’s not respected my wishes, today I woke up depressed because I realized that our communication is pretty much dieing…it went from texting me 2 times a day about my problem and her wanting to meet me for a coffee, then it was once a day, then it went once every few days, now it’s once a week. I might have also drank too much coffee? and now my sister keeps wanting me to pay for her phone bill so she can keep texting me when I already paid for it last month and for her internet bill once. Also my idea of a friend is someone who keeps in touch with you a lot and hangs out with you on a regular basis, does not look mutual to me.

I wanted to be friends, text often seeing how we are doing and knowing what’s happening in her life and be there for her, aswell as talk on the phone and hang out but it seems like she was only here to help me go to the doctors and that’s all. Not just disappear, like I feel as if now that I got my anti depressants she’s done her job and will be gone now, just something to make her feel good about herself and move onto something else. About my sister? she gave me a BS story and has been lieing to me about being unable to pay for her bills so I helped her out a little and now that her payment is due for her phone and she has no “money” she texts me she misses not texting me and wants to keep doing it, then all of a sudden says she needs more money to pay for her phone so she can text me. Da fuck? and I can’t take living with my dad anymore…he drains me, makes me feel like I can’t do anything, constantly yells at me, if I wanna move out lets me know i’m going to fail and come right back, etc etc etc. Grandpa commited suicide, Grandma died before I was born, mother was a junkie and dropped me down the stairs as a baby and decided that I was not worth having in her life so she split until I became much older. I probably deserved it though…

I had time to reflect and what I’ve come to understand is friendships don’t exist, neither does family. It’s just you…and you are thrown into a world that wants you to feel like you’re a worthless piece of shit and you either sink or swim depending on how strong or weak you are mentally and I am pretty damn weak. All I want is for people to be happy and help them out, is that too much to ask for? I might not feel anything when I try and make people happy but I feel as if it’s something i’m supposed to do in this life and I’ve always done it because of that, but I can’t take the being used part anymore. The longer I go on the more I feel as if there is no good in the world, only people with their own agenda not giving a crap about anything else.

Anyway this will be my last post, i’m just going to disappear…maybe now you understand why I said I feel like I deserve to suffer like I posted back on page 1 and why I feel so toxic in my head and I can’t escape it…it’s a part of me and I must accept it and live it until my dieing breath, which is hopefully soon. I’m not going back to the doctors or taking the anti depressants anymore, whatever happens from here on out happens.

Alright looks like I decided to come back…a lot has happened in those short few days I left. Mom died on the operating table yesterday morning although I only found out today, took out $5000 to save someones life on Monday (that woman I mentioned actually text me for 35 minutes because of this, made her cry what I did and told her I would do it for her if she was ever in trouble and I meant it, always…and meeting up for another coffee), the health place phoned me yesterday and booked a phone appointment/interview about my depression, donated $100 yesterday to a guy I don’t know from a forum I posted at because his wife died and he’s now alone with his kid, although he’s raised 6K so far. One of my work buddies is also suffering big depression so I been talking to him, he’s going places with his music…http://cr0atia.com/ if you wanna hear them.

My mom? As selfish as this may sound i’m kinda relieved I don’t got to worry about her anymore.

My money? if I could give it all away I would. I feel like i’m supposed to live my life depressed but as long as I am alive I need to help people. I dunno how to describe it, but I can feel it…I just want to help people. I feel like I want to get into a trade and make as much money as I can and use enough money to just get by and the rest on helping people or animals…world would be a better place if people gave a shit about one another! I used to be this way then I seemed to have changed with this job I am at around these people, started thinking of myself only! How can I make MY life better? more money means more things to buy, oh boy i’ll surely be happy then! WRONG! then once the woman quit the job i’m at I started changing back to my old self again slowly…and I want to stay this way because I realize life is better this way.