Anita where do I start to turn myself around? for hours i’ve for the first time without anger actually decided I need to leave her alone for now, I got bigger issues and I realize I really need to work on myself somehow. I’ve actually feel free somewhat knowing this is goodbye for us for the first time in this thread, even though what I wrote above. It doesn’t have to be forever, but maybe when I am better and think more clearer and work on my social skills and how to be better around picking friends because it’s pretty obvious I am wanting a lot more to this friendship then she wants and while it hurts, this happens. I’ll always remember the summer of 2017 and also be thankful for what she did for me but this has been so 1 sided it’s not even funny, it became so obsessive. I still don’t understand why she enjoyed my company back then…why me? why would anyone enjoy my company? feels weird man. It never was a friendship, it was more someone who helped me in a time of need and I clung onto her and even though the signs were so obvious it was over, but she still enjoyed my company and I just did not want to face the music, I couldn’t I felt like she was sooooo important to me and I started idolizing her. I still want to be someone who shows love and compassion for people, but not be so obsessive and no more giving people money, that really messes everything up even with the most honest of intentions.

Then summer of 2017 it was her time of need and we grew really close, then poof! it was over in a flash. We both just needed eachother for those 2 times. I just wanted more then she was wanting to give, felt like I needed it when I really did not need it.

Last message she gave me she told me not to call her at home right now because there is no privacy and she really wants to have a coffee and go for a walk soon, but that’s all she says is soon, or busy and now she says she has more time as her job is different then her old one, I told her i’m free this weekend and Mon/Wednesday, then I deactivated my facebook again a few hours after she read my coment so she will have to text me which she doesn’t do anymore. Perfect place to end this.

I feel strongly with all of me this is the best  choice, I mean the thread is about leaving her. I don’t wanna be trying my hardest to be in someones life who does not feel the same way, it’s the worst feeling knowing you don’t matter to that person.

No idea what is next, sadly I agreed to meet her on Wednesday for a coffee and walk. I need to start worrying about how to improve my life, maybe start with weight training.

I’m just going to come clean on this and ask her if she just wants to email me the money rather then meet up from now on. Don’t want her to resent me because i’ve known for a LONG time the signs and refused to realize them because that would mean it would really be over and I’m sorry I clung onto her because what she did for me and maybe in the future we can start again. I’m sure she is going to be confused by this, but it’s painfully obvious I am the only one who wanted this and wanted it so much but for the wrong reasons. I’m sure i’ll feel better with this happening too. Life goes on.

I’ll message her later that there has been something eating away at me for a long time and that I need to talk to her about it in person, not some lame text because I respect her more then that. I dunno how I am going to go about asking, probably very slowly. She is the only person I can open up to who’s not behind a keyboard. Who knows, maybe she’s just been waiting for me to say something like this or maybe she does not realize this.

Ask her if we can meet up in person to ask this as it’s been eating at me for a long long time, then Wednesday ask her if she should just email me the money and not worry about meeting up anymore, how I feel like the friendship has died off a long time ago and I am finally coming to terms accepting it when I could not accept it before. That I am sorry I clung onto her when she helped me at the doctors, tell her that everyone i’ve told this about on message boards all agree she does not want to be friends by pointing at the signs I blindly ignore because I can’t face the music and how I have always enjoyed her company and I wish nothing bad on her, only great things and maybe in the far future we can reconnect.

Just messaged her “There is something that has been eating at me for a long long time and I respect you more then say it over a dumb text message. See you at 11AM, have a great day.”.

I might keep it short, I feel really stupid now that I think about it about what I wrote above what I will say to her. People come and go in our lives, if she goes she goes there will be other people i’ll feel strongly about. I’ll just ask her if we are cool? because maybe it’s just me but we don’t really communicate anymore and if it’s ok with you i’d like to still be around. Just some thoughts thats been stuck in my head for a while and was looking it up and started thinking. I’m also sorry for clinging so hard because you helped me at the doctors.

But this time maybe i’ll try being around more, like calling her more often then not calling, hanging out whenever she wants to chill instead of disapearing for months when we are about to make plans, maybe even going to events she invites me to that I never went to before. I’ll also let her know if she ever is having a bad day, or a good day, or just wants to talk she can call me any time day or night and i’ll always be there to answer. She did call me in the past crying or having a bad day, felt awesome knowing someone thought of me to help them out even if I am terrible at consoling them, but I just listen to them and try not interupting.

But I gotta be my own man too, gotta stop obsessing about her and just be as best of a friend and person as I can be, I got stuff I need to do for me because I don’t wanna be stuck all alone, feeling miserable. I gotta find more friends than just her and a few people I work with. Life without people, without making connections is miserable. Life without a pet is also miserable, I don’t wanna imagine living without either of them. I gotta get stronger by lifting weights, gotta start taking care of myself in other ways to. Maybe I’ll try isolation tank therapy? Joe Rogan has a video on isolation tanks. So much I need to do for me, all you got is yourself to rely on. I also need to stop gossiping about pointless stuff, I mean that’s why I was freaking out about the money thing we recently went over. I dunno why I gossip, I just do…I just feel like talking about something I obsess over when in reality, they can ask her themselves.

Lots of stuff I wanna talk to her about Wednesday, like how was the concert she went to? (one she invited me and everyone else I work with to last month when I saw her at my work and she told me she was thinking of me and we need to hang out) How is her 2 bloodclots in her lungs and gall bladder now? what’s happening in her life? that I’m proud of her for getting the job she’s at she’s been talking about for years. Her future plans? ect.

Oh I’ll be honest with her as hard as that is, she likes honesty. If she wants me to back off then she can just email transfer the money to me and we wont have to see eachother anymore, but i’m sure she does not want me to back off. I changed what I said mainly because it’s not true…I hate myself and I look for ways to get people to hate me so I come up with things like our friendship is ending due to the signs that i’ve planted in my head from reading stuff online. I realized the bad stuff I’ve posted in here between us is due to me hating myself, feeling of being unworthy of friendships, being used to feeling abandoned so there really is no point asking some of what I asked, just ask her straight up if we are cool and if we aren’t I can zip out. Sometimes I would not answer the phone and look at it because I felt like we are getting close, maybe she likes me? who would like me? then I would call her later or get her to call me later when she’s not busy. So like I said, what I was originally going to say should most likely not be said at all, just keep it short and to the point.