Home→Forums→Tough Times→Let her go?
- This topic has 1,011 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 3 months ago by
anita.
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January 1, 2017 at 1:17 pm #124232
AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
Little chance that her family members post here. I wouldn’t worry about that, plus, you didn’t write her name or the names of the places where she lives or work. Nor did you write anything negative about her. So, nothing to worry about. As usual she sounds positive and lovely (and so do you).
I think I am about to build the first snow man in my life, outside. The snow has been falling off the trees and I will go on a walk soon enough, walking in the deeper, crunchy snow.
anita
January 1, 2017 at 1:33 pm #124233AnonymousInactiveEnjoy that snowman, make him have a nice 6 pack abs with huge arms and stick legs because he never trains legs on leg day.
January 1, 2017 at 5:57 pm #124239AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
Received your snow man instructions after the deed was done. The snowman has a part carrot as nose and orange peel as a smiling mouth, two round pieces of coal as eyes and a nice round, non-muscular body. Came back from over 2 1/2 hour walk, very crunchy, deep snow.
The holidays are over, Yes! Finally. Good.
anita
January 1, 2017 at 6:22 pm #124241AnonymousInactiveNice, now karate kick the head off!
Something been stuck in my head for a while now, I been googling it but I don’t find any of the same questions. Remember when we had a coffee and she told me she’s distancing herself as she’s helped me far too much? and I need professional help? What does that even mean? I thought you’re supposed to get support from your friends? I never talk about my problems to anyone anymore, pretty much keep it bottled up again. She says the 3 things people need in their life if they are depressed are meds, therapy and time with your friends and it’s a loooong road. She also says you’re not supposed to fight this alone, it’s too hard to go at it alone, but she says I need to do this on my own.
January 1, 2017 at 6:51 pm #124243AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
Contradiction in what she told you at different times then. Let’s see… “to do this on your own” doesn’t necessarily means alone, it can mean you being the leader of your healing process while getting help from others. That is, you don’t expect others to magically make you feel better, on the long term, anyway. Instead: you do what it takes to heal, to get better. In yet more words, “to do this on your own” may mean taking the active role in your healing instead of the passive role.
You are not supposed to fight it alone, but you are supposed to fight it, to take on the fight, to become a fighter. So… you take on the fight alone, start the journey alone and get help along the way.
Does this make sense and so, maybe it was not a contradiction..?
anita
January 1, 2017 at 8:15 pm #124249AnonymousInactiveI dunno, it’s probably not best I start thinking again unless i’m clear headed lol.
Went for a walk in the cold, then all of a sudden my darkness got lifted and I could think clearly. Got thinking of hopefully this week seeing her at her job with a buddy from work that we are planning, thinking about next time if she wants to have a coffee once a month? and maybe go up the mountain 2 times a month as she was saying she needs to start excercising more, getting her number this week for her home, if I have extreme bipolarism, during the times we have coffee if I can ask her if she wants me to be completely honest or half honest when asking/receiving questions, if she’s still thinking about quitting to go to a vegan resturaunt and if so if she wants any company to come with her. If she gets a job at a Vegan place hopefully it will be near china town so i can make frequent visits to the float lab which is pretty much like the isolation tank video i posted with Joe Rogan a while back, it’s like meditationX10 and last time we talked at the coffee shop she thought i should try out her Yoga and maybe meditation. Last time I asked her if she wanted company when she goes somewhere was when I had dinner with her and we talked about her going to see a person to give her options for that job she was thinking of getting a career into, she just smiled and say thanks but that’s best to do on her own but maybe next time. Come to think of it…there is plenty of things I don’t ask her anymore I used to ask her and keep updated on.
I’ve kinda shifted on different stupid things now like that long yoga thing, about what her hours are, just saying hey. I used to talk about other things like her anxiety, her aches, her career she wants to get into, her niece, etc. Maybe it’s time I start shifting back into things we can talk that have value instead of using texts as a way to say whatever is on my mind.
I also got thinking why am I more comfortable with her having a dinner then I am having a coffee? coffee I just can’t think right, the dinner I kept the conversation up a majority of the time, we just talked and talked and talked with a few silences we just stared at eachother in the eyes. This depression might have made me change and it made us change…I dunno.
I also got thinking why am I bringing people over? I’ve not gone over by myself to eat, remember her wanting me to stay and have dinner that day I gave her the present she loves so much. She goes for coffee with a few of them, a few more she wants to but they never seem to get an exact date down. I want to see her, I should be making more time to see her by myself, not get others to eat at her job. If they want to catch up they can go for a coffee together…I should be making plans with just her before she’s gone or how else am I going to get a close friendship? then when she moves we will have skype coffee calls on the webcam if she wishes to continue this. My family do skype with eachother, as in my uncle and his family, and his wifes sister and her family and other people. I’m never included.
January 2, 2017 at 9:55 am #124311AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
I thought about it before- why you always take other people with you when you go to see her at the restaurant- very good idea to go alone and otherwise have alone time with her so that you can get to know her better and so that she can get to know you better. You mentioned her anxiety- get to know about that more.
A walk in the cold air does clear the mind, doesn’t it? Take more of those, for clarity, sure worked for you this time.
You also thought about spending time with her being more effective having dinner together instead of coffee dates- good idea again. Initiate again what worked before and abandon what didn’t work!
anita
January 2, 2017 at 10:29 am #124315AnonymousInactiveI dunno why, never thought about it until yesterday. I no longer have a clear head, back to my old self…thinking what if she ignores my text again I’ll send her Wednesday? Then another thought about my mom,why am I not good enough to have a mom or a family that cares…then I been trying my best to keep from crying at work, then thought again if she ignores my text that must mean she no longer likes me as a friend. Will she abandon me too?
As for the dinner thing…I feel better when it was a dinner, I’ll get used to coffee. Her anxiety is in her shoulders, she’s not really a shy person. If she wants something sooner she will let me know.
January 2, 2017 at 10:54 am #124319AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
Your injury, the one you suffered long ago, as the child that you were, is right here: “why am I not good enough to have a mom or a family that cares…”
As a child, unloved by your mother/ care takers, you reasoned: my mother doesn’t love me because I am not lovable, unworthy of love, worthless. This reasoning becomes a core belief and all other thoughts stem from this belief.
For clarity of thinking, why don’t you take another walk in the cold air? Think about what I wrote here.
anita
January 2, 2017 at 6:24 pm #124378AnonymousInactiveScrew it i’m going to text her tomorrow at 845am and ask if she’s working today, then if she is i’ll head on over for dinner by myself. Then i’ll ask her when I leave if she’s working tomorrow and come back with my work buddy.
January 2, 2017 at 6:28 pm #124379AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
Smiling for the first time this evening (been distressed some)- proud of you, if I may say so. Once in a while something like this happens which gives me hope. Something like this, means your post above, suggesting you will go there alone for dinner by yourself. I don’t know if you will follow through or get scared and withdraw, but a moment of COURAGE like you described above lifts my spirits!
anita
January 2, 2017 at 6:56 pm #124380AnonymousInactiveThanks! Sorry about your troubles, hope things get better for you soon!
January 2, 2017 at 7:00 pm #124381AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
I am feeling better: like I told you, you lifted my spirits with your post-of-courage. Thank you for your sentiment.
anita
January 3, 2017 at 9:04 am #124423AnonymousInactivePhew I got a text back. She’s working until 830, i’ll be over at 6.
January 3, 2017 at 9:23 am #124425AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
Exciting for me! Again, I am encouraged by your courage (notice there is “courage” in “encouraged”- courage is catching). I am fully aware of the power of fear, so I know this is and will be difficult for you, to be over there alone, this time. And it may be awkward, and you may be disappointed, so please be very gentle with yourself, with your performance while you are there. Don’t beat yourself up for anything but instead, congratulate yourself for going this far.
We can make real, long term, lasting progress only one way- slowly, one step at a time, and you are doing it. Don’t expect much of a “performance”. Pay attention to how you feel, say calming things to yourself, be good to yourself throughout and let me know your thoughts and feelings before and after.
anita
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