Probably the time of the year. Thinking back and realizing what a waste of skin I am. My mom never gave a shit about me, my uncle/aunt only wanna see us when it’s convenient like Christmas and Thanksgiving, never wanna talk to us any other time but her side of the family they always hang out and are very close, my sister using me and always trying to twist my thoughts and bring up the past. My dad and what he’s done plus he tells me how that woman can easily forget me like I’m nothing and how it ain’t a loss to her. My high school teacher telling me for 2 years I’ll never amount to anything and never have a job better then a dish washer. Growing up people knew how bad I was and dumb, just didn’t care about me and threw me wherever to get rid of me and my problems.

Now? I finally find a person I think cares for the first time and I’m a mental toxic head case, I truely enjoy hanging around her and her company but I don’t deserve her friendship, I’m obsessed to the max but not for her, from my loneliness. I always sat in front of my pc all day and never had coffees or nice long talks, or hung out at the beaches, or had someone who didn’t mind coming with me to the doctors because my depression. Now she will be moving far away in a year and I’ll be back to where I started. Also I’m obsessed with texts because I hate my voice for the phones and she’s too busy for phone talks anyway.

Also a few texts from her put me at ease, we used to text a lot!!! Now it’s almost dead…just like me. I’m seeing more and more I’m going back to having nobody left for me, I’m pretty sure I’m just going to be done with it and end my pathetic life next month, I been planning it since October. The pain won’t go away…it never does. Also it would be nice having a loving family always there for you, it’s just not going to happen for me.

Thanks!!

Well I decided to say screw it so I bought a box of candy canes and gave everyone at work some after work, a few buddies I gave $50 gift cards to see the movies, tomorrow the guy I watch his gigs $50 though email, today I went to the woman’s work but she was off so I gave the box of candy canes to all the employees there. Tomorrow she works, I’ll give her gift after work to give her a bright day plus a candy cane of course. Should I ask if I can call her sometimes? Won’t be until the end of next month, I need time away from this shit. If she doesn’t like texting she may like calling? It’s voice to voice. Back in late August she said call anytime but we have never done that before…hmmm. Might be a better way then texting. Don’t think she will text me back, maybe just call her instead when she’s off work or when she’s on break. Friends are supposed to call each other apparently.

Naw giving the mug tomorrow. I’m only giving gifts to my buddies, so just 4 people as the 5th is on FB and I am not. Thinking just the mug, should I do the honey too? I’ll go to the organic health store and get the organic honey. Everyone else is getting candy canes. I’m kinda broke, can’t give money away anymore right now.

Just go to uncles for dinner, then home. They all go shopping with the other part of the family on Boxing Day. I’ll just do my shopping online if I want anything. I like that under armour website tbh.

It’s a clothing website for us Canadians, eh?

Nighty night, sweet dreams.

Vic BC for me. An Islander.

I asked her if that pot of lamb was still bothering her, she said nope but another thing happened. I asked what happened in an interested tone and her sister wanted a leather bag but she could not find any but leather is made from a cow I think she said, she wants to jump in all vegan she told me. I told her to go do it! Wants to meet up with a bunch of us on her day off next month so we will have to look for a place that serves vegan food aswell. My buddy who invites me to gigs is excited I gave him $50, says nobody except his mom is giving him a gift. Now I am.