Home→Forums→Tough Times→Let her go?
- This topic has 1,011 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 9 months, 2 weeks ago by
anita.
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December 17, 2016 at 9:21 am #122936
AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
You did mention in your note to me that you were going to offer her the candy as a “peace offering” and I didn’t pay attention to it, at the time, but now, following her confusion at the offering, I understand it.
There was no war to follow with a “peace” offering. Very good point, she made, about her being confused: if there was no war, why offer peace?
I like it that she noticed this and expressed her confusion. She reads to me, continuously, like an honest woman. I am very impressed.
It is also a lesson to you, that what you assume is not necessarily true. You had an awkward, bad time. She had a good time. You assumed she had a bad time, like you did, but you were wrong. And you assumed you offended her, and you were wrong again.
Catch yourself when you Assume and challenge your assumption. It may not be true.
anita
December 17, 2016 at 2:06 pm #122944AnonymousInactiveYeah I always assume the worst, I’ve isolated myself for a loooong time. Plan to learn how to have meaningful conversations so I can leave a powerful impression on her and make her day great like that time in Sept she posted on her FB wall it’s a good day when we had that walk on the beach and she saw me break down and she took my picture and felt in the moment. When we had coffee she ate half this chocolate mint vegan Nanaimo bar, told me to have the other half but I didn’t want it and she said firmly to eat it so I did. I also have a theory that she would keep texting me if I always made her feel great, I always felt good after we text back and fourth for those many months, now it’s pretty dead. 🙁
December 17, 2016 at 7:58 pm #122954AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
She and you, individually, from your shares and communication here, read like two delightful people, honest, engaging, authentic. I do wish you got together as closer friends. Wish you didn’t feel awkward with her, so that your delightful self can shine through. You don’t have to try hard, you already have it in you. Just need to relax.
Maybe if you share with her, when you get together, how awkward you feel, and she (as I imagine) will respond positively, maybe then you will relax.
Having just googled chocolate mint vegan Nanaimo bar, seen photos and the recipe, I don’t know how eating that didn’t un-awkward you! Bottom, middle and top layers, cocoa, shredded coconut, graham crackers, chocolate… for crying out loud! Well, maybe you couldn’t taste it because your nose was still running.
You wrote: “I also have a theory that she would keep texting me if I always made her feel great”- I don’t think anyone can make anyone ALWAYS feel great. And she dislikes texting, remember?
anita
December 17, 2016 at 8:31 pm #122957AnonymousInactiveAlright i’m going to TRY my best to stop overthinking things…I really hate myself when I start thinking about all kinds of scenerios that goes horribly wrong but even when I try thinking positive that negative side fights back 10x’s harder. I’ll ask her for another coffee around the middleish of Jan, I need to start asking instead of waiting for her to ask me. Would be cool doing it every 2-3 weeks though, something to ask her when we finish the next coffee. Coffee and hiking a few times a month? would be nice. Can’t get greedy here.
I could taste it, I just was not that hungry. But once she said to eat it second time in the firm voice I kinda buckled and took half of it and we talked about it on the taste and which we preferred that or the original nanaimo bar non vegan. I let her pay for her coffee and nanaimo bar this time, probably just go dutch from now on. She definatly likes paying for other people except me though lol, but i’m fine with that I like paying for people aswell.
December 18, 2016 at 9:01 am #122964AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
Yes, better ask her. It is not greedy of you to think of coffee and hiking a few times a month, not more than it is generous of you to share your time and YOU with another.
You wrote: “when I try thinking positive that negative side fights back 10x’s harder.”- instead of trying to think Positively and have a war between the Positive and the Negative, think Realistically.
Realistic thinking will get you out of that war zone. Example:
Positive thinking: “I can make her feel great and she will text me every day!”
Negative thinking: “I make her feel badly; this is why she doesn’t text me”
Realistic thinking: “I can’t make her feel anything. She doesn’t like texting. She is not likely to text me regardless of how she feels about me”anita
December 18, 2016 at 1:33 pm #122977AnonymousInactiveTalked to some of the guys at work about her wanting to hang out with a group of us on a day off of hers after Christmas. Thinking the end of next month when we get our huge vacation day paychecks? but one guy said why wait that long and why wait for those paychecks? just go on a payday and whoever does not come it’s their loss.
I only said greedy because I was looking up what’s a “good” friend vs a “bad” friend and one of the things that came up was a bad friend will want all her time and not give them their space. I don’t take her space, we only hang out sometimes but maybe what I want is to suck her time away for me? I dunno the fine line…I really don’t know things about friends and what I read online about friends who hang out with friends the odd time is not something I want. I enjoy her company so I want to be around her more often then once every 1-2 months which seems to be normal for when you get older for some reason. I always thought and want a friend to be someone you hang out on a regular basis and communicate on a regular basis, which we do neither hence why i’m trying to get closer before she goes. Maybe i’m still stuck in school mode for friends? you see eachother and talk to eachother quite often. Maybe I should ask if I can phone her sometimes? if she does not like to text because you can’t speak to people maybe phoning is different?
she mentioned during the coffee that she’s on her phone waaay too much and is thinking of getting rid of FB off her phone and use it for her computer only and try using her phone less and less. Anyway next time i’ll post here will be after I dress up as Santa giving her that coffee cup and the candy canes to everyone.
December 18, 2016 at 7:21 pm #122992AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
Regarding what friendship should be like between two people is between the two people, not up to any online authority. How often you communicate in person/ phone/ text, how you spend your time together… you communicate with the friend and decide together, what works for both. The two of you are the authority and no one else.
When are you dressed as Santa and giving away candy? Is it tonight at the restaurant (my memory is fuzzy right now…)?
anita
December 18, 2016 at 7:26 pm #122993AnonymousInactiveFriday
December 18, 2016 at 7:37 pm #122994AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
This coming Friday, Dec 23- I didn’t realize we are so close to Christmas. Didn’t occur to me it is next week! So you won’t be posting here until then? I’ll miss your posts!
If this is the last chance I have to wish you MERRY CHRISTMAS, then … I just did!
anita
December 18, 2016 at 8:10 pm #122998AnonymousInactiveYou aswell
December 19, 2016 at 1:04 pm #123036AnonymousGuestThanks, Dear blkhwkdwn1. Looking forward to reading how it went, as I hope you will share. Post anytime, before and after (but not during, don’t want the sticky candy stuff on my screen….)
anita
December 20, 2016 at 6:39 pm #123150AnonymousInactiveLooks like I wont be doing that Santa thing anymore…read a guy was kicked out of 6 flags for handing out candy canes as Santa and people keep saying it’s creepy handing random people candy. Ohwell, she’s ignoring my texts now.
December 20, 2016 at 6:59 pm #123151AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
Just because a guy was kicked out of six flags doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hand out candy yourself! Maybe the guy was kicked out because he was handing candy as a half-dressed Santa. Always get the whole story, details can make a lot of difference! Besides, a guy at six flags handing candy is not likely to get kicked out, but told to stop handing candy. Maybe he refused to stop, maybe he was disturbing the peace!
I don’t think it’s creepy although people may be scared the candy may be laced with drugs. Hmmm… maybe you can hand out something else, paper candy that you can make from different color papers glued together.
And you have the Santa suit, do wear it!
Here you are jumping to the worst conclusions again (I used to do that… a lot!) thinking she is ignoring your texts. She is probably bbbbusy!
anita
December 20, 2016 at 7:09 pm #123154AnonymousInactiveI only have a beard and wig. Once I get the gift to her I think i’m going to go into hiding for a month or 2 then re appear, might disappear from the forums aswell. Thanks for all the help though through the months, I appreciate it.
December 20, 2016 at 7:24 pm #123155AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
You are welcome. I enjoyed our communications. Sad to read you are planning on disappearing… again. The blkhwkdwn1-disappearance thing. What happened very recently… to make you want to disappear again?
anita
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