Hello, I would like to know your opinion about my situation.

I was with my boyfriend for 5 years. We met at school at the most random way and we ended up together. Our relationship was like a movie. We both came to each other’s lives to bring out the true self within us. Both of our lives before knowing each other were completely different since we both come from different cultures however we both were open minded and always tried to make it work. As time passed I always tried to encourage him to free his spirit, his true self, and to take out his inner self that was inside a cage for a long time. He felt happier and liberated as time passed by. Even recently before we separated he told me he doesn’t think he would find a person like me easily or at least not in the circle where he is right now which is to work and following society rules. I always tried to help him out and cheer him up so his spirit wouldn’t fall and get absorbed by his surroundings and he always appreciated it because now he has a goal and now he feels different form others. I think he met me for that reason.
On my side, since I came from a stressful life, always struggling, I guess you could say I became a bitter person inside and of course I wasn’t happy with myself. Which is something I discovered and admitted later on. He always tried to bring the best of me, the genuine side of me, which is to be generous, happy, grateful and to be kind to others without judging. He always tried to teach me to be patient and even if I thought different from others I should always respect them and bring good karma to me. He was the balance I needed.
In the end I think we both marked each other and I’m sure we will never forget it.

Time passed by and we grew up and entered the real world. We would always be stressed and sensitive. To make it short…one day we had an argument and we ended up splitting up. He told me he didn’t know if he felt the same towards me. In summary, the truth was that since i was not happy with myself, i was miserable, i wasn’t able to bring or share happiness to him. Therefore i concluded since he wasn’t happy and probably miserable with himself, he was expecting me to fulfill that for him which of course it didn’t work. For me it’s hard to believe he does not love me anymore because now i see the reality of why everything was happening. There was something missing in his life, even when he had an awesome job and he was a “stable” person, he was still not happy. I could feel it. So I think i didn’t help either since I was just miserable as well and we both didn’t bring out the best of us to the relationship at the end.
He told me it was better to take a break without setting a time, that he wanted to break up but leave a door open for each other since he was confused. Since i am aware of my feelings, i know i love him…so my heart was always willing to accept it. The last times i would see him i could feel love form him and i know he wants me to be happy. He said i don’t deserve someone who has doubts so he prefers to step back.
Some friends tell me love is either yes or no..not maybes so that made me confused to think if i should move on and just cut off the string I have for him, because inside I do have hope however I don’t know if having that is creating expectations that won’t heal my spirit.
He told me it would be a good chance to do something with our life, something meaningful and if we really belong to each other we will come back. But, isn’t this selfish? I honestly don’t want to think anything bad about him and as they say, “love is free”, i don’t really have an objection if he wants to live his life and do something without me. However, I’m not sure if i should clarify with him what he truly wants…why does he want to keep me in his radar? Why is he doubting to let me go completely? It makes me tired trying to figure out what he could be feeling because I know i won’t get anywhere.
I made a promise to myself to change, for me, to be someone happy and truly free of attachments that in the end damaged our love. But, how can I change if i still have that hope? I mean, should i even have that hope? Should i just forget about him (not literally) and move on and let go of everything and consider it it’s over?
Before he left he told me to have faith in us because he does and he told me to stop underestimate us. How can someone who’s not sure about someone say those things? The way he acts makes me feel it’s difficult to think he really doesn’t love me (romantic way)…He just said, “Ely right now i’m not thinking anything, i don’t want to say it’s the end but i cannot say it’s not, that’s how i feel. I just want to let it go and just let the feeling come naturally, if it’s there i will come back. Maybe right now you want to go back but maybe later you don’t you never know! Just let go of everything, don’t think of me and focus on yourself to be better”. I don’t know what to do…because in reality I do love him and i’m sure of it however I don’t want to continue being the same person I was…the one that killed his hope and he feels he doesn’t think I can change. He told me he didn’t wanna fall into the same mistakes again, and I agree. My main question is not if he loves me or not…but to myself. If i want to change and free myself completely, should i cut that string others call “selfish”? I want to change for myself, not for him or anyone, because I learned putting my happiness and expectations on people will crush me in the end, and it did, so i want to change, I want to be someone different, my true soul but i cannot deny love. I don’t know if holding this hope would truly make me change…Sometimes i think he is right…not to think of anything and just let it flow and focus on my own life without expecting anything. But how do you have hope without expecting anything?
I hope i made sense…Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

• This topic was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Ely.