Hi Anita,

I can’t believe how quickly time has passed since I last posted here. I have come back to this thread a couple of times to reread what we’ve discussed, and to try to reply, but for whatever reason, I felt I didn’t have the energy to reply, even though I wanted to. After my last post, I stayed in the other city for a little while but had to come back home as it was clear my dog wasn’t doing well. Sadly, he passed away last month. I miss him so, so much. Looking back on this thread, I deeply regret the obsessive thoughts I had about this man. And, that despite the futility of it at the time, decided to go back to his city to try to “fix” things with him when it was clear for weeks before that, that as you say, the ship had sailed. However, I went anyway and wasted precious time I could have been spending with my dog. I’ve talked to a few friends about this, and they have all assured me that there is no point for me to feel guilty about this, but I still do. I’m angry at myself, at this man, at the situation. But maybe most of all, I’m just hurt and sad. I knew it would be a horrible experience for me to lose my lovely dog, but it has been magnified by the loneliness and isolation I have felt with the pandemic. I have been trying to focus on the positive aspects of my life, but I have been so depressed. To make matters more complicated, I have had my own health issues in the last few weeks that put me in the hospital. I’m currently on the mend with more tests being done, but it’s clear I am far from my best right now, emotionally or physically.

I feel in the past weeks since I updated you, I have fleeting moments of clarity regarding my situation, but then obsessive thoughts take over and I become exhausted and drained and depressive periods follow. I’ve given a lot of thought over what you have written last to me, about how I seemed to be hooked on rejection. It seems to be true. To me, this is so sad. I so desperately want to be “normal”, healthy, or integrate the child and woman aspects of me as you say. I find it rather pathetic that I have been suffering like this for years. On the outside, it must look to others that I am not trying, just making the same errors over and over. And yet, for me, it feels like a constant battle that I have tried not to give up on. Since we last spoke, I have transitioned to a new therapist. She seems to be helfpul, but I have only had a handful of sessions so far. I’m also meeting with my family doctor next week to go over the possibility of me meeting the diagnostic criteria for Bipolar II disorder. I have always known this was a possibility for me, yet I had hoped my mental issues were not so severe to meet the criteria for a full diagnosis. However, over the last year, it became very clear to me that I had several periods that would meet the criteria of hypomania. I have also had enough feedback from romantic partners in the the last few years to recognize that I go through periods of time that indicate hypomania. I guess I just didn’t want to accept this diagnosis. That being said, we will see what my doctor says and I will keep you updated.

For whatever reason, this past week has been one of the worst I have experienced in terms of mood in a long, long time. It hit me especially hard, as the week prior, I was feeling relatively good. I had thought I was on the mend, but now I wonder if it was possibly a hypomanic period for me and maybe that’s why this week has been so unbearable, the dreaded depression that follows mania. Either way, I have found myself once again obsessing over thoughts about what happened with S. I don’t even know why compeltely. I can’t say that it’s that I want him back in my life, I don’t even think from the progression of what happened, that he’s a very good person. He knew the situation with my family and dog’s health, and yet it feels to me that he strung me along for weeks after seemingly ending things with me when he had no intention of reconciling, He would message me regularly, suggest to meet, and then go silent. I find this particularly cruel behaviour, as he knew how much I was hurting over the health of my family and dog. However, after I told him I was back in his city and to let me know when he would like to get together again, he never did. After weeks of asking to meet again. What worse, is I did nothing about it. I acted like it was completely fine, and continued to communicate with him warmly when looking back, I should not have. I should have just stopped all communication, or at the very least told him I was displeased with his behaviour. I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter anymore, but for some reason, it really does to me, and it bothers me deeply that he has no idea what he has cost me. Perhaps I am just looking for someone to blame for the loss of my dog, I don’t know. I catch myself fantasizing about when things were good between S and I, and how maybe that could have continued. And I wouldn’t have wasted the last months of my dog’s life feeling so upset over him and the situation. I feel embarrassed about all of it, and I am so afraid that S will become the new J, and I will be stuck with these thoughts and feelings for years. And that itself deeply upsets me, because how can I on one hand rationally not think very highly of S, and then on the other pine for things to have been different. It’s so confusing.

I want to move forward Anita, I really do. I am so tired of feeling stuck, of ruminating over events that really in the grand scheme of things don’t matter. But I have felt so stuck, so down, so hopeless. I am afraid I won’t be able to move past these issues I have. I’m afraid I will never have my person, never have a family of my own. I am afraid of feeling stuck while everyone around me moves forward with their lives while I stand still. I’m afraid of not understanding myself. I don’t feel sure about moving to the new city anymore, I feel my life has dulled again. And this time maybe the worst of all, as I don’t have my lovely dog anymore as my companion. I have watched all of my friends and family move forward with partners and families of their own during this pandemic, and yet I am so stuck. I feel like I have so much work still to do on myself, yet so little energy to do it. I’m so sorry I don’t have a better update for you, I was hoping if I gave myself more time, I would. But after so many weeks, it’s clear that wasn’t going to be the case.

I hope you’re doing well Anita and staying safe. Thank you again for your continued support.

– L

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your kind words. Inexplicably a couple of weeks ago I was admitted into the hospital in the middle of the night with excruciating abdominal pains. Originally it was thought it was my appendix, then gallbladder, and now it seems it is my liver. I’ve done more tests, but it seems like the one incident is isolated, I haven’t had that severe pain since but my doctor is concerned with some of the liver enzyme levels. Thankfully she is a very competent and caring doctor, so I’m sure it will be sorted out. I’m not as concerned with my physical health as I am with my mental health.

To add to my last post, I have noticed that with both J and now S, I experience an overall feeling of shame. Shame over my behaviour, shame over how I must be perceived, and shame in the rejection, and the pitiful attempts on my part to win them back. Once again I think about what would be my ideal scenario, and similarly the only answer that comes to mind is to go back in time, not have these events unfold the way they did, and not feel the way I am feeling now. The more I think about it, the more I feel like neither would have been a good long term partner for me, yet these turn of events seem to matter so much to me. Yet when rationally I look at it, the fact that they weren’t great long term partners should be enough to just simply let it go.

I’m really upset with myself (nothing new, I know…) that because of my choices in the last few months, my grief about my dog is completely intertwined with S. I just wish I could forget about him, recognize that it was simply a Fantasy I was in and not reality, rather than what intrudes my thoughts, that somehow all of this is my fault and undoing. Not only that, but I have felt so much responsibility regarding the last year of my dog’s life being less than ideal. I simply could have done better. To put a long story short, it was my fault he was attacked by another dog and was bit and required surgery. Had I not have gotten involved with a completely unsuitable man, who’s dog did the attacking, it never would have happened. I know I should not dwell on the past, but it is so hard not to when I feel I make so many mistakes.

I will try my best to try to relax this evening nonetheless. I hope you do as well Anita!

-L

Hi Anita!

Happy New Year and a belated Merry Christmas! I hope you had a wonderful time with your partner. Although I didn’t get a chance to log on here, I thought of you. It was a very busy time with work (many clients seem to be struggling during the holidays, especially with the pandemic this last year) but I tried my best to stay positive and focus on the good advice you have given me over the years and I believe that helped me keep going. Once again, I’m so grateful for you!

I’ll start by acknowledging your last post a month ago! I am always shocked by how much time goes by when I take some time away from this thread. I hope you don’t take that personally Anita, I think sometimes I just get overwhelmed and find basic functioning (work, family responsibilities, etc.) difficult, let alone coming on here. I do apologize though, I know you take a lot of time to reply to posts here, and I don’t want to come across as unappreciative at all, because I do appreciate you very much.

To answer your question, my doctor did not formally diagnose me with BP2, although she agreed my symptoms seemed to align with the diagnosis. She was hesitant to provide a formal diagnosis as she believed it may hinder me in the future (i.e., life insurance premiums, treatment by medical professionals, etc.) so she said it would be best if we treat the symptomology without the diagnosis. She did not want to prescribe me with the typical antipsychotics and mood stabilizers, as she believed my symptoms could be managed by continuing to see her on a regular basis, as well as continuing with my current psychologist. I took this advice, and have been doing so since.

I have been thinking a lot of what you said about the figurative whip and putting it down no matter what. It has been difficult, but I have been trying. Sometimes I am able to, and sometimes I am not. The last month or so I had a particularly difficult time not picking up that whip, but I was able to at least distract myself with work and other responsibilities. However, as I mentioned earlier, it was not always for the best as so many of my clients have been struggling and it has taken a lot for me to be grounded for them. We recently had to put my sister’s dog to sleep also, which was very difficult for me and I am trying my best to be kind to myself as similar feelings of blame regarding my dog’s last year resurfaced. That being said, I have a new development/update for you. Right before Christmas, I went on 3 socially distanced dates. This is rather surprising as I have been trying not to date in my current hometown as I aspired to move to the other city, as well as for deciding a couple of weeks prior that perhaps it was best to stop dating altogether. I was actually reopening the app to delete it, but when I saw the messages from the 3 men offering to go on a socially distanced date, I thought why not. The first one was fine, the gentleman seemed kind, but it didn’t seem to evolve into anything else. The second was a doctor, a respirologist actually (also very busy during the pandemic for obvious reasons!) was also quite nice, but I wonder if I had made myself too nervous before the date and he did not end up contacting me again afterwards. I suppose I didn’t feel much chemistry/attraction myself so maybe it was just that and not my nerves/being a little late for the date, but who knows. The third ended up developing into a relationship that I’d like to discuss with you.

I’ll refer to him as B. He is kind, sweet, caring, and probably everything I could ask for in terms of a relationship partner. He is very affectionate, reassuring, thoughtful and wants to help me any way he can. Although I only met him on the 20th, he has fully committed to me and deleted all his dating apps and is not seeing anyone else. He decided this very early on, perhaps only after our second or third date. At the time, I was elated. In fact, I called my friend after our third or fourth date (they were close together so I can’t remember the exact number of dates!) and told her I may have met my future husband. I’m not even too sure why I said that then, but I did have a special feeling about him. I know my M.O. is to rush into dating someone very soon, but something about him felt different, right. Also, it was unique that for once the man was reciprocating my excitement/eagerness.

Anyway, as you may have suspected, it might have moved too soon. We deleted my dating apps together, but I noticed afterwards that I felt odd about it. On one hand, I felt very relieved to be off these dating apps, on the other, I felt that it maybe was too soon and perhaps I might regret it. I also started taking the birth control pill around this time, so I wonder if my shift in mood/excitement with the new relationship was impacted by that also. Either way, I have recently found myself somewhat panicking about the prospect of this relationship. I waver from feeling very secure/happy/grateful for having this man in my life, to terrified/worried/scared that I jumped in too soon, and that I either a) may hurt this man deeply which would horrify me, and b) may have hurt myself by not giving myself enough time to stabilize moodwise before jumping into a relationship and may have not made the best choice of mate.

To help you conceptualize B, I’ll tell you a little about him. He is 39 years old, I am 31 for reference. He is the new CEO of a renewable energy company, but it is a newer company run by 2 founders close to age with me. This is of note, as just the other day one of the owners lost his temper at B for being late on a deadline and even threatened his job. It made me realize that perhaps it is not the best working environment for him, and also that his priorities might not be focused enough on work but on me as the reason for his tardiness on the deadline was that he was talking with me that evening about my reservations on our current status (a couple already). He had mentioned to me that day he had some work to finish in the evening, but I totally forgot as we started discussing our relationship. It is also of note that B was brought up quite religiously and was married for 16 years. He has been divorced for about a year and is on very good terms with his ex-wife, but it something to think about. He told me that he rarely had his physical needs (including affection) met in the relationship and that they differed in their approach with finances. In fact, he personally guaranteed a business venture that did not go well and had to file a consumer proposal to reduce the debt. He is now debt-free, but his credit has taken a hit because of this. I believe that he is an industrious person and is gainfully employed now, so I’m sure it won’t hinder us as a couple too much down the road, but I suppose it is not the best situation either. My last concern I’m rather embarrassed to even admit, is I’m not sure we are extremely compatible sexually. That being said, he had minor hernia surgery right before Christmas so I’m sure that will get better as he is healing.

I suppose what I’m concerned about now is if I can trust my judgement on if someone is a good potential mate for me or not. I’m also nervous that my past history of rushing into things and then losing interest is happening here now, or if my shift in feelings (I still like his company very much, but I find myself slamming on the breaks rather than pushing the gas like I usually do) has to do with momentarily taking hormonal birth control, or lastly because my logic really is telling me he may not be the best match. To make matters worse, I recently contacted the man I was seeing in the other city to let him know of this development, he wrote that he was heartbroken and gave me some very sweet compliments and lamented the difficulties of long-distance relationships. I was surprised by this, as I didn’t realize we were in an actual relationship, as he and I only texted here and there since I was back in my hometown for the last 2 months. I feel particularly guilty about this, and wonder if I made the right choice by ending that off, especially that way.

Anyway, I’m writing to you now as I feel a bit stuck. I’m not sure what I should do moving forward, and I’m worried that if I continue to see B any longer and I decide not to be with him long term, I will completely crush him and he is such a sweet man. We have a lot of fun together, have many interests in common, but I find myself terrified at the prospect of settling down long term. I just don’t know if that is because he isn’t “the one” for me, or of my own commitment phobia rearing its ugly head. B is so kind and sweet, and it’s so rare to find someone serious about commitment (I suppose this is what I asked for, as on the dating app I wrote that I was looking for someone to have fun with and build a life with) I feel like I should think twice before parting with him. I just wish I knew if my feelings of uncertainty with him are grounded in reality, or just another way for me to self-sabotage.

Any insight on your part will be very helpful. I hope you’re doing well!

L