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Hi Everyone,
I hope you are all staying safe during quarantine! For myself, I noticed I have been spending more and more time on social media to pass the time. I’m going to reduce this though, because of a couple incidents that have shown it’s not the most positive use of my time. Last night, I was mindlessly scrolling on facebook, and saw that an old flame of mine (we dated for a little while in 2015, then I decided to put him in the friend zone for no good reason at all…) just got married. He was a really great guy, came from a good family, had good values and wanted a committed relationship, was educated and had a great career. Everything I said I wanted in a man. I was happy for him, he looked very happy, but I was not expecting how hard it hit me. This person was so sweet and supportive of me throughout the years, even while I dated other people despite him always showing interest in being with me. He politely asked me many times to work on my codependency issues so that we could have a real chance of dating exclusively, but rather than do this, I proceeded to date a couple of “bad boys” instead (you may read about them ad nauseam in my other threads). Worst of all, I often vented and emotionally dumped on him when these relationships inevitably failed. I feel so horrible about this, I simply cannot fathom what I was thinking back then to do that to someone who had been so caring towards me, even when we weren’t together.
Although we had drifted with our contact and hadn’t seen each other for around 2 years, I thought about him here and there and how I had made a mistake to push him away and date the losers that never really cared about me instead. I suppose I tried to shove these thoughts out of my head rather than truly deal with my mistake. And, if I’m honest, I supposed he would always be there one day when I was truly ready. In fact, after dong a lot of soul searching and refusing to date low quality men, I thought I was getting close to contacting him again. And of course, I saw the picture yesterday. I am truly happy for him, he seems like he is very content in his life now. But at the same time, I feel (maybe for the first time) the gravity of the loss that I can only blame on myself. We will never hang out again, never have late night talks about life and psychology, never do art together again. I know 2 years seems like a long time not to see someone, but in that time I was completing my registration, starting a new position and my own practice. It went by in a blur, and the times we used to hang out together seem not so long ago at all.
Fast forward to today, I am 100% not ever going to try to contact him outside of congratulating him on his wedding (which I did, and in true gentlemanly fashion, he replied thanking me and commending me on opening my practice). I want him to be happy, and I will not interfere in his life. I suppose I’m just looking for some kind of comfort or reinsurance that there will be other men like him (kind, caring, educated and successful, etc.) out there for me. Or, preferably, just the one. I am becoming less and less hopeful due to the very low frequency of meeting these men lately in my city, but I’m contemplating moving to the next province over. Maybe I’ll have a better chance there.
Anyway, has anyone else had a similar experience? Did you manage to find another great person out there?
Hi Anita!
You absolutely do not need to apologize, I know you are only trying to help. I’m sorry for frustrating you. It definitely was not my intention.
That’s alright you don’t have any similar experiences. Do you have any insight for me knowing my previous posts? I don’t know if that would help but I’m hoping this feeling will pass. As you know I have a propensity to regret my decisions, and I’m trying very hard not to do that now.
Thank you again for your help with me and all the other posters here. You are a gift to us here!
Hi Anita,
That’s very understandable. I frustrate myself with being in this cycle. To answer your question, it definitely applies. I suppose I thought this situation was different because this person was not emotionally unavailable/a jerk lol like the last one(s). But you’re right, either way the regret is totally useless and I can’t go back and change it.
I just feel quite lost now. I feel rather discouraged to go out and try to find another “unicorn” of a guy and feel so wounded by my own poor decisions. Hopefully the feelings will pass. But I really feel this loss as a significant one rather than just a clinging need that had more to do with my childhood like I had to the others.
Dear Laelithia:
You shared yesterday that most recently you found out that a man you “dated for a little while in 2015” just got married (let’s call him G, for Great). You wrote about G: “He was a really great guy, came from a good family, had good values and wanted a committed relationship, was educated and had a great career. Everything I said I wanted in a man”. The two of you kept in touch after the brief dating for about 3 years, 2015-2018. During these three years, he was “so sweet and supportive” of you, “always showing interest in.. a real chance of dating exclusively”, while you dated other men and “dumped on him when these relationships inevitably failed”.
Since you found out the other day that he got married, you “feel (maybe for the first time) the gravity of the loss that I can only blame on myself”.
In May 2017, when you started your first thread “getting over infatuation with someone who wasn’t real”, you were still in contact with G, but you didn’t share about G. At the time, you were focused on another man whom you dated very briefly. You ruminated over whether you messed up that very short relationship, worrying that you caused it to end. You asked me at the time: “Do you still think after everything that this would have eventually been the outcome of our relationship no matter what I did or didn’t do?”
In June 2017, same thread, you wrote about that very brief relationship: “My heart longs for that ‘love’ again, to feel so special, to have so much hope for the future.. In my dreams, I fantasize about a reality where we continued being infatuated/ in love (whatever it was) with each other.. It’s the dream I miss… I miss the excitement, the thrill of wondering when I see my ‘dream guy’ again”.
In July 2017, same thread, you wrote: “I feel so stuck, so damaged, and hopeless about my future romantic prospects. Anyone I meet, I cannot imagine them being as wonderful as he was at the beginning.. I have never felt that way about anyone before, so grateful to finally have that emptiness inside of me filled, that I was certain he was the one for me”, “any time I have alone, I am reminded of the emptiness I have always felt, only now it is even larger without his affection”.
And you were back to ruminating about what you have done wrong to cause the ending of the very brief relationship: “I’ve regressed back to wondering what would have happened if I had behaved myself better“.
In another thread, “how to move on from the past once and for all”, January 2019, at 29 or 30 at the time, you wrote: “From the age of 25 until I would say 28.. I experienced horrible and soul crushing.. heartbreaks over and over”. You shared about a man you met in New Year of 2016, and that you shared that you suffer from “intrusive thoughts” that consume you and make you physically ill, of which the “most terrifying one being ‘you made so many mistakes that you lost this previous relationship and you will never be as happy as you once could have been’“…”I simply can’t shake this sad feeling that I ruined our relationship.. maybe we would still be together and I would be happy.. I truly feel like I destroyed my one true shot at happiness and anyone else I date moving forward will not create a relationship as happy as the one I once had”, “I tend to be very nostalgic by nature, and often look back at the past much more fondly than I do my present or future”.
My thoughts today, June 22, 2020:
The Emptiness inside you is the Emptiness in the child that you were, and the child that you still are (“every one of us is a child; everyone of us is ancient” says a poem I like).
The Emptiness craves to be filled with a love relationship with a man. From time to time it perceives love with a man and when it does, Emptiness is filled with the best feeling in the world.
But the Emptiness is not good at evaluating men and love relationships, it latches on to certain things about a man, certain dots in the picture, and it connects these dots, creating a magnificent picture that doesn’t exist: a Fantasy. There is no greater feeling in the world than this fantasy fulfilled, however temporarily.
When Fantasy collides with reality, Fantasy dies again and Emptiness is back, pointing an accusing finger at you: you killed my fantasy, you made it go away!!!
G, the man your new thread is about- at one point on, if ever, he didn’t trigger Fantasy, so you focused on men who did.
As I see it, your struggles are about Emptiness and Fantasy. Emptiness feels terrible, Fantasy feels wonderful. You don’t know how to fill Emptiness except with Fantasy. There has to be a better way to fill Emptiness, a way less fantastic (it won’t feel as great), and way slower (it won’t happen as quickly), but if it is congruent with reality, it will last.
So far, as I see it, you have let Emptiness and Fantasy rule your life.
anita
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This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by
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Hi Anita,
Thank you so much as always for your detailed and thoughtful reply. I must say, I really think you hit the nail on the head with this. I cried after I read your comment because I believe you are right.
My friends and family that I have talked to about “G” lately have reported the same thing. That’s I never mentioned him while I was lamenting over relationships with others that were not working out. It’s as if I didn’t let him in my life really at all, didn’t even talk about him with others really. I feel so sad about this too, because it’s as if he was a ghost. I suppose I did that on purpose at the time. Given the choice between him and some of the bad guys I was dating, my friends and family would have adamantly chosen G and not them. And I guess if I’m truly honest, at the time, I wanted the others and not G. I didn’t value his positive traits nearly as much as I do now, and I am angry at myself for this but I suppose there’s no point. I can’t go back in time.
When you speak of Emptiness and Fantasy, it really hits home. When I think of why I would ever even want the men that I did in the past that were mistreating me and not providing me with the qualities of a stable long term partner, the reason was that they provided some sort of high. They distracted me from the Emptiness, and I suppose it was that distraction/escape that provided the high. Just like any other addict that is using.
You are so, so right in saying the Emptiness is not good at evaluating men. Often, it chose the worst of them to pick as the partner. And you’re also right that it picks and chooses such minute and often superficial details of a person to make a picture that doesn’t exist. I have fantasized and idealized and projected so much onto these men that was never there in the first place.
“When Fantasy collides with reality, Fantasy dies again and Emptiness is back, pointing an accusing finger at you: you killed my fantasy, you made it go away!!!” Wow. This is very true with the infatuation experiences I had that I incorrectly labelled as love. I punished myself and was angry that I made these “mistakes” that made these men go away. When in reality, very little of it had to do with my behaviour I think.
Ah, you are right about G not triggering the Fantasy that I wanted. And you’re right, I chose to focus on the ones that did, no matter how toxic and incompatible they were for me. How I wish I could have seen this sooner. It’s still hard for me to see at times, to not crave the Fantasy and want that euphoric feeling to wash over me, but I now see the value in stability and steadfastness and true love and care. I want those now, not the Fantasy. G could have (and did in many ways) provided me with that. And I’m so sorry now, in hindsight, to have let that go.
You mentioned that there must be a way less fantastic and slower to fill Emptiness, and I think slowly but surely I am getting there. I have built my own life now, rather than waiting to join someone else’s that has already been built, the princess meeting the prince and living happily ever after in the fairytale. Now, I have my own life that I do love. I have wonderful friends and (mostly wonderful) family, a thriving career and business and hobbies and activities I participate in both alone and with others. I would say I’m content with my life in a lot of ways now, finally, and a lot of that is due to your help. Had I met G now, with my life the way it is now, I’m sure we could have had a real chance of being together long term. I feel sad I wasn’t ready before, but I have to accept that I wasn’t and that he is gone now.
This pain feels different than the others I wrote to you about in the past. Before, it was sort of a desperate madness-inducing feeling that I couldn’t really explain to others, while this one feels like a true loss. When I explain the situation, my past and poor decisions, and how I had a man like G in my life for many years that wanted me to be at my best and wanted to build a future with me without the chase of the Fantasy, they empathize with me. They feel sorry for me and they understand my sadness. Before, with the others, they simply could not.
They tell me that time will heal this wound. That one day I will find another, that I have to keep the faith. I am trying, but I feel truly wounded by this experience and facing my past. Like I was beaten up. I suppose it will take time before I’m ready to look for and find Reality rather than Fantasy. In the meantime, do you have any tips or strategies on how to process and move on from the loss of G? I have congratulated him on his wedding and wished him well (he did the same for me) and I believe this is the last contact we will and should ever have. It’s time to let go, and move forward. I’m just a little nervous about how.
L
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This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by
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