Anita, your spot on. Growing up my mom was very depressed and my dad had anger issues, one of my strongest memories from childhood was my dad telling me and my sister it was “our job to keep our mother happy” that’s alot for a 8 year old to take on, which contributed to my continuing lack of self care from that point on, trying to keep my mom happy and my dad calm was a very exhausting task. Ive worked through alot of my childhood coping mechanisms, but still find it popping up especially with women, which tends to trigger my “scared little boy” tactics to obtain love and safety. I’ve noticed Mindfulness almost always goes out the window whenever sexual energy is involved with me, yet other relationships in my life I’m able to very aware.

Inky thank you for your response. I’ve definitely noticed an increase in interracial relationships here in the midsouth where I live, and very many of my family members have been in interracial relationships. I know it’s certainly a possibility. I guess what struck me is how I still harbor feelings of inadequacy, I feel as if I don’t really measure up to other men, as if I’m undesirable although I’m pretty confident that I’m probably what alot of women want/need in that I understand healthy relationships require vulnerability, and self care. Honestly some days I just wish I could flick a switch and turn off my desire for women because I find myself depending on it too much for my happiness.

Anita -That sounds like a very good practice for me, I would like to wait longer before having sex in my next relationship anyway, as the addict/escapist in me is always looking for opportunities to present itself.

Thanks again for your responses if anyone has any thoughts on feeling deserving of love it would be appreciated. Though I have made a lot of progress in my self esteem and confidence, I had an experience last week that shook me and made me realize I still don’t quite feel worthy of love. One of my clients called me up to thank me for the work I had done for him through my job as a social worker (as it is my last month at said job) and to wish me well in my future. After I got off the phone I shut my office door and wept for a while, I had never experienced anything like that before, and felt as if I didn’t deserve any thanks (or love) for the work i had done, because I don’t do it for the thank you’s or to feel needed. I had a similar experience later that day when I dozed off in class and a class mate asked me if I was doing okay, hows life etc. I always felt as if its my job to care for others and it really threw me off when people who don’t have to, show concern for me. I’m not quite sure why I still don’t feel deserving of love even though I always preach that all people are deserving of love. I guess i’m trying to figure out what function this feeling has.

• This reply was modified 8 years ago by noname.