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Just one of those days

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  • #80221
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’m having one of those days where I just want to crawl into a hole and disappear forever. I feel really sad and sick and infuriated and just plain old CRAZY.

    I was doing so well recovering from a break up from a 4 year long abusive relationship. It’s been about 5 months since the break up but 4 months since I booted him from my life… I was doing incredibly well managing my feelings, keeping the faith, practicing gratitude, and staying positive… But today I feel like my soul is on fire – like any minute now I’ll be projectile vommiting pea soup…

    I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I can’t seem to let go of the past and this anger. I feel like I’ve tried everything – meditation, energy healing, therapy, visualization, made up rituals on every new moon, nothing at all, talking it out, walking it out, writing it out…

    But I can’t cope with the fact that I was left, I was used, I was cheated on, lied to, totally discarded, treated like a stranger, and now I’m being talked about like I was some animal or monster and horrible human being and this other woman is “the girl of his dreams”.

    Jealousy, bitterness, and negativeiy has gotten the best of me today, everybody! And I have no idea what to do anymore.

    #80232
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nicole:

    Do whatever worked for you before. Again. Do it again. And again. Patiently. Apply so much patience that the thought of applying yet more patience makes you sick, until you vomit a soup of patience with a spice of self empathy.

    anita

    #80239
    Axuda
    Participant

    Hi Nicole

    There’s nothing wrong with you – you are a human being, and have human reactions. You were treated badly, and of course it is going to resurface sometimes. But that doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong. Anita is right – keep doing what works and these feelings will come back less and less often.

    I still get days where I feel like you do today, more than 4 years after my wife left. Sometimes I can fight it off. Other times, I need to take something I’ll call a “Forget It!” day (I actually call it something else but I can’t write that in my post). I allow myself to wallow in it, for one day only. It’s a bit like when you have a nasty cold or flu – giving yourself a rest and the chance to recover. It seems to allow my subconscious to work on the issue, and develop an action plan to deal with it. Maybe it’s just the child in me – when a toddler is upset, you need to acknowledge it, give him time to calm down, and then focus on something else.

    From your post it sounds as if you are upset at what happened to you, and now that is compounded by what is being said about you, and I know exactly how that feels. The best way I found of getting through that is by exchanging my anger for pity. Think about it. He cheated on you, lied to you and treated you badly. In other words, he was so insecure that he didn’t risk losing your relationship until he had lined up another one. How weak is that? And now, he feels the need to justify his decision to everyone else as publicly as possible, by telling everyone that it was your fault. You know the truth – how much turmoil must be going on in his head to feel the need to lie about you?

    And what about his new partner, this “girl of his dreams” – she now has to deal with someone who was too weak to tell you how he felt, is prepared to blame her for his own failings, and has already exposed his nasty side. If all this is what he needs to make him happy, then just give them your blessing, and count yourself fortunate to be out of it.

    You are angry because you deserve so much better. Don’t allow him steal any more of you – rise above it and carry on creating your new life.

    #80245
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Nicole,

    I remember you, girl! I also remember that your ex “doth protest too much”, as Shakespeare says. If you have to tell, boast and post about “The girl of your dreams” who is the audience? Why tell, boast and post it at all?? If that is really true, why brag about it??? That is what he was doing, possibly to cover up his shame/guilt for cheating on you.

    You could write a blog. Kind of revisionist history. Where YOU gave up on HIM because he cheated. And how YOU feel BAD for him because he keeps telling, boasting and posting about “The girl of his dreams”. You still tell the truth, but write it so you psychologically come out healthy. Like, “I decided to cast him loose. Am now free!!” And you will probably get supporters and followers.

    Example: “MONSTER” (Post Title)
    “As I was doing my morning meditation drinking Uva Ursi tea to calm myself down, I contemplated on how I was portrayed as a ‘Monster’. A monster doing Sun Salutation, I thought. At that moment a stranger passed me on the beach and called me “Beautiful”. A Beautiful Monster in Mountain Pose? I wondered. Instantly I fell into a Zen state of mind. I cast “Monster” off, and was left with “Beautiful”. Thought of my poor ex. Cast him off. Was now free!”

    Why not try it?

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
    #80250
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Axuda,

    Thank you. I really, really needed to hear this.

    Just when I think I’m totally fine, I surprise myself every once in a while and find myself absolutely seething. And its totally at random. Today is truly my “F’ it” day… I’m letting go of any expectations for myself and just allowing myself to “do it all wrong” for the day.

    I’m going to take a few minutes to get incredibly honest… I am very upset. I am emotionally disturbed. I am SO angry. SO disgusted. So many things. All the things.

    I know it doesn’t help, but as a part of my tantrum today, I decided to do some online stalking – something I haven’t done in a long, long time. It definitely affirmed my belief that I don’t ever want him back into my life and that he’s a disgusting and bad guy. But it also certainly riled me up. He belongs to this online forum for conservative pro-gun (mostly) men – where he talks obsessively about his new “liberal” girlfriend. He talks about her like she’s a total novelty. How she was a lesbian before they started dating, how she’s 27 and is afraid of commitment and claims to have never been in love, how he can see himself spending the rest of his life with her even though she’s anti-gun and doesn’t even like animals or dogs (he loves dogs). He says vulgar things about porn stars and how his sex life with her. He takes every opportunity to brag about her (claiming things like “she’s such an upgrade compared to that last chick I dated”).

    And honestly, I know I sound totally crazy and immature and, well, fill in the blank with whatever other adjective that you want, but I know in my heart that I am more attractive than her (and because I’m biased, more EVERYTHING than her). It kind of kills me because for somebody who is seemingly so obsessed, he also complains about her!!! How she’s too liberal (and refers to her as “his little liberal” and “the girl”) and complains about innapropriate things she says in front of him while talking to her friends – stupid things… It just gets me all riled up. It really fuels the fire. I guess, THEY rile me up and fuel the fire.

    And you know what’s funny? Today I realized that it doesn’t matter what he says or does. He could say “I’m a miserable piece of shit!” or “I’m blissfully happy!” and I’m still going to find it totally maddening!!! It’s his existence. It’s THEM as a couple. It’s the fact that THEY replaced what I thought was my family (a man, a dog, and the memory of an aborted child) to JUST them.

    He just totally discarded the 3 of us… And here I am… Just trying to figure out what to do with it all.

    As always, thank you so much for your time.

    #80257
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey Inky,

    It’s always great hearing from you 🙂

    I think reinventing my story and making myself the hero instead of the victim is exactly what I need. I need a new narrative. And I need to tell myself that new story over and over again until I believe it.

    I’ll try it!

    #80264
    Inky
    Participant

    YES!

    The trick is ~ never lie. Just tell the truth and have yourself always come out on top through a thought/event/conversation.

    Blessings!

    Let us know when the Blog is up so we can Follow you and Comment! I believe Blogger is free (?).

    #80265
    Inky
    Participant

    Conversely, you can also write a blog ~ this time with your real name on it (I would do the heartache blog anonymously but that’s just me) ~ which talks about your life ~ and he’s nowhere to be found! Not even a hint of the past. Whichever one “Works”.

    #80298
    Axuda
    Participant

    Hi Nicole

    So, this ex of yours – he’s into guns and porn, and is going out with a woman who isn’t into men or commitment, or any of his interests, belittles her in public, and he is saying he wants to spend the rest of his life with her? He sounds like he is in a really, really bad place.

    You, on the other hand, the innocent victim in all of this, are taking all the appropriate actions to try to move on with your life and become Nicole again. Can you see who is coming out of this whole scenario better? He has reverted to his childhood – you are maturing as an adult.

    He messed up his relationship with you, so of course he has to try to save face by saying his new relationship is better. He has to say it out loud because he knows what his friends are thinking to themselves. He knows he screwed up, but figures that with enough self-talk he can pretend he is a winner.

    I never usually comment on relationship issues, because I’m hardly an expert and there are two sides to every story. I try to be measured and fair in my comments, but reading your post I have to tell you I was saying to myself, “Holy Moly, Nicole, what were you thinking?! A lying, cheating, childish gun and porn fanatic who will settle for anyone who comes along (even if she’s not into men or commitment or anything else he likes), belittles her in public and still feels the need to prove himself to his ex?” Now, I only know you through your intelligently written and thoughtful posts, but I think I can confidently say that you deserve better than that…

    And are you more attractive than someone who is prepare to compromise her principles and everything she stands for to be with someone who is only making a fuss of her to try to prove something to his friends? I don’t need to see you to answer that question.

    When you were I young child, I’m guessing you had a bicycle. And when you first got that bicycle, it was wonderful. But eventually, you outgrew it, because you changed and it didn’t. And there came a day when you felt a bit silly riding it and realised you needed to move on to something bigger and better. He is that kid’s bike, failing to grow up. A part of your past, a stepping stone on your journey. Now you are growing, blossoming, and ready for something much, much better.

    #80323
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey Axuda,

    I appreciate the kind words. You know, I think “Holy Moly, Nicole, what were you thinking?!” to myself a lot. The logical part of my brain seems to know the real truth and agrees with all of the stuff that my family and friends and online friends are saying. Although, something deep inside of me does’t feel like an innocent victim. Sometimes I really do buy into the things that he says about me – sometimes I do think (or fear) that I might really be selfish or that all of this stuff really is my fault (including the things that he said and did). We can attribute this to issues with self esteem. I’m working on this in therapy – as well as all areas of my life.

    I know what he says is certainly not true – because nothing he says has any credibility whatsoever and also for the simple fact that I at least know that I’m a kind person who follows her heart and makes all of her decisions with the best intentions. I suppose this other stuff is just a part of my complicated (and negative) believe system about myself and probably also from being brainwashed by him for a few years.

    I think you’re right about him being stuck at a certain level of maturity. I think you’re right about everything, really. He’s got issues. He claims to have PTSD. He’s angry, stuck in the past, and I think maybe emotionally unavailable. I get kind of sad sometimes because when I think about his issues as a means of justifying why things happened the way that they did, I can’t help but think about my issues. I can’t help but think about how “water seeks it’s own level” and how on one level or another, I might be just as damaged as he is.

    I just have trouble believing it when people say things like: “He messed up his relationship with you, so of course he has to try to save face by saying his new relationship is better. He has to say it out loud because he knows what his friends are thinking to themselves. He knows he screwed up, but figures that with enough self-talk he can pretend he is a winner.” Which to me, makes a TON of sense… But it’s crazy and hard for me to believe because as much as I’d hate to admit this to anybody (even anonymously), I actually stuck around until he “chose” her.

    At first he played the confused card, so instead of just walking away, I felt compelled to stay and help him figure it out. And then he strung me along for weeks telling me about how he ultimately wanted to marry me but needed to date her to get it out of his system and to “forgive and forget” the fact that I “murdered his baby”. And he would tell me all about how in order for us to get back together, I needed to change this and that and lose the weight I’ve been trying to lose and would say that he thought she was truly nothing special and that he would take an “improved” me over “regular” her any day of the week. And how he could never love her in the way that he loved me. And that he sees an amazing future with me and a nightmare future with her and that I just have to stick around while he dates and screws her. And would tell me about how he didn’t want to “start over with somebody else”. And all the while, I would pull away because I didn’t like it be out always be manipulated back. I was so torn and devastated and confused because I had no idea I was being abused and manipulated and I genuinely wanted to be with him but I knew it would mean giving up my very last bit of self worth and dignity that I had left. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I always felt like she had a major advantage because I was on thin ice and had to minimize my needs and not make one false move – but he would try to reassure me that I had “the advantage” because he “loved” me. He would say things like “I don’t know what the future is going to be like and I want to leave it up to chance – I just want to play Russian Roulette and see who wins”. Foolishly I stuck around and thats why I don’t think I deserve to be called an innocent victim. I feel like I was a stupid volunteer!!! Slowly but surely, it went from him telling me about how much of a mean, crazy, loser she is – to how he was “growing fond” of her, and then to how he was choosing to be with her over me because he decided that even though he did love me, he knew that he “shouldn’t” love me and that I wasn’t fulfilling and didn’t make him happy. And the kicker? He said he’d call me if it didn’t work out!!!

    But if he CHOSE her and if I waited around like such an idiot… Then why would he have to go and prove to everybody how happy he is and how wonderful she is? I mean… I feel like he’s totally “victorious”. He got what he wanted. He made me into some desperate fool and he made out with what he wanted. Certainly he thought he made the right decisions? He had weeks to figure it out?!

    I know there’s simply no point in trying to make sense of nonsense… But I’m dying for somebody’s input!

    As always, thank you so much for responding to my girlish problems/fears/questions about life so carefully and with such kindness!!! You’re a gem!

    #80324
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nicole:

    I think that i agree with you that you were not then and are not this guy’s innocent victim, or a victim at all. I think it may be possible, very possible in my mind, at this point, that you were a volunteer, but not only a volunteer but an active player in the drama you were in, the drama you wish to continue.

    I think that you may have felt ALIVE in that drama, in that Russian Roulette game, in the who-is-he-going to choose game. If you … consider this, or have considered this… and if you think there might be validity to something of what I am expressing here, what do you think has been- and is- your motivation in playing an active part in this drama and still pursuing it, seeking more of it?

    anita

    #80325
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Oh yeah, and in addition to all of that… Why would he go through all of that mess and ultimately choose to be with this girl…

    And yet in the end, he still wouldn’t stop contacting me because he expected me to be his friend? After practically begging him to leave me alone, I had to change my phone number just to escape his constant attempts to contact me.

    About a month and a half ago he even texted my mother asking her to ask me to call him because he was having a really bad PTSD attack…

    Just WHY?! Why would he think I would call him after all of this.

    Phew, I just got myself all riled up 🙂 excuse me!

    #80328
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita,

    I’m a little confused (and maybe a little insulted?) at the idea that you think I wanted this or that I’m still pursuing “drama”.

    And no, I really didn’t feel “alive”, I felt awful and confused and tortured.

    I’m just in a lot of pain, still. You have to understand, it took me weeks to even get myself to BELIEVE that I was being emotionally abused and manipulated. It was so bad, I even hid it from my therapist at first.

    I’m not saying that I’m a victim OR an active player. I just think I made myself so small that I was willing to participate in such a disgusting game – because I wanted him to be with me. I loved him and he was showing me his true colors. I’m just trying to make sense out of something that is an impossible riddle and makes no sense.

    #80330
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nicole:

    Going with my gut, I sense excitement in your descriptions. I sense a desire for more, a passion for more. I understand it is painful for you and your pain does not negate the possibility that it is still, exciting, moving, triggering… I remember enjoying going into the mediterranean sea when i was young. When the water was quite, it was nice but boring. When the water was turbulent, it was a bit dangerous, the waves often pushed me upside down and I could have been hurt badly, but it was exciting. This is my strong gut feeling, my very personal gut feeling as I re-read your original posts here and the latest.

    You can toss my input here as me being wrong (not the first and not the last time that I was and will be wrong). No desire on my part to insult you. I was hoping to be helpful. Maybe be helpful…
    anita

    #80333
    Inky
    Participant

    Dear Nicole,

    Don’t you see ~ he LOVED being the “Prize” in a love triangle! Now that you are gone, he just has this other girl to feed off from ~ and that’s not enough!! So he desperately tries to continue the drama by telling, boasting and posting. Even calling your own mother to bring you back!! Sad.

    Darling, You WON!

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