Home→Forums→Relationships→Just not that into me?
- This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 5 months ago by
Mark.
-
AuthorPosts
-
November 14, 2018 at 7:43 pm #236893
MarkParticipantAmelie,
Your first serious relationship? What have you learned about yourself in this? Have you learned to love yourself? Have you learned to set boundaries with him? Have you learned what you need and asking for it?
Read what you posted as if a close friend written it. What would you tell her?
Mark
November 14, 2018 at 10:59 pm #236915
JohnParticipantMark really hit it on the head. Our first major relationships are often fraught with mistakes, mostly because we have not fully learned to love ourselves yet. If you cannot love yourself, you cannot love anyone else.
That being said, if this were my daughter telling me this story, I know what my answer would be. Five years is a long time to support someone and care for them as if they were a child. Perhaps the past women he did so much for treated him badly, and this is his misguided way of “getting what’s his”? I can’t really tell. I have known some people who did that. I have known some who honestly were just lazy. And I have known some who are in that sort of funk and are DEEPLY depressed. That depression leads to no work ethic. Hell, sometimes it leads to not wanting to leave the house. So I guess it all depends. If he is happy go lucky, that doesn’t mean he isn’t depressed. My friends were all amazed when I told them years ago that I was clinically depressed. Maybe just ask him about it, and be warned the conversation is likely to be an argument if he really is either lazy or depressed, because both are things that person will know about themselves but not want to hear. Perhaps bring up depression first, then move out to outright laziness. See which one you get the biggest rebuttal over.
As I said, if this was my daughter, I would be driving over to pack your stuff and leave him behind. But we don’t know the whole story, so making that sort of knee jerk reaction to it could be quite bad. What do you think? You think he might be depressed? How is the economic environment in your area, ie are there many jobs open. Thinking he isn’t wanting a job and being unable to find a job are two different things. We all hear that the jobs market is booming but fail to realize that isn’t a universal thing in the entire world/country. Just spitballing here.
November 15, 2018 at 11:07 am #237013
AnonymousGuestDear Amelie:
Reads to me that the things he did for the other young women in his life were easy things, writing poetry, buying lingerie. Easy. What he needs to do now with you is difficult, laundry, getting a driver’s license (if I understood correctly), finding a job… not fun, like poetry or commenting on an ex’s photo on social media.
I don’t think it is about him “Just not that into (you)” as it is about him being used to taking it easy. It will be for his benefit if he goes the route that feels more difficult for him, but I guess he doesn’t know it yet. It will be to his benefit to find a job, to do the laundry, to be a good partner to his girlfriend… but he doesn’t know it yet, and he may not know it.
Any indications that he is unhappy the way things are and find employment and so forth?
anita
November 15, 2018 at 4:34 pm #237049MarkParticipantAddendum:
Amelie, I believe it is not any of our jobs to fix the other person nor to tolerate the other person’s behavior if they are disrespectful, non-loving or not making any effort to co-create a truly intimate partnership. Life is too short.
If you are putting up with this then I would refer you to my first posting/reply and ask why you are putting up with this? Why are you not loving yourself like you are loving him?
Mark
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 