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Just normal doubt or more than that?…

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  • July 31, 2014 at 5:47 am #62312
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Mermaid,

    You are still very young. And to give up one of the belief systems of your faith, travel to a different country, AND live with him would rock anyone’s world, no matter how old and self-assured they were.

    Unless you’re in a solid marriage (and even then sometimes) it can be normal to have a shadow of anxiety and doubts.

    You might be more comfortable in your own place, having a space of your own. Faith has nothing to do with that one. Or the boyfriend, or state of the relationship, for that matter.

    But, that’s just me.

    July 31, 2014 at 7:48 am #62321
    Matt
    Participant

    Mermaid,

    The doubt is all very normal. Consider that you pulled up roots, both religious and social, and moved to a very different place. Getting to the present isn’t just about trying to “live now” but also “put down some roots”, nesting, so you have the inner confidence to be open. Make sure the place you’re living reflects your energy. Not a tourist in someone else’s life, city or house, make it yours. Paint it colors you find pleasing, make sure the walls and space echo “Mermaid”, feels “Mermaid-y”. You’re the same person, there or here, just don’t be afraid to bring home with you. That’s when you’ll feel safe enough to let go, be free.

    Did you move in to his home or did you two find a new space together? If you moved in to his house, have a chat with him to let him know you need him to make some more space for you. Maybe take down some of the bachelor decorations, give it your female touch. It’ll be worth it for both of you. If you moved into the same space together, and feel you already imprinted yourself on your home, then look for other areas where you feel like a boarder,a tourist, and smile. Different than before, but there you are, making new friends and putting down roots. It takes time, doesn’t mean “wrong choice”, just “lots of changes, unsettling to the woman inside that needs to feel safe”. Even if he’s your soulmate, you’ll still have to take time to put down roots that aren’t just him. The food, the home, the parks, the shops… all different now. Not just “here in his town”, but “here in my town”. Over time the doubt will erode, the feeling of home spreading outward from you as you make it your own.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    August 1, 2014 at 12:43 am #62386
    Mermaid
    Participant

    Thanks Inky and Matt…Inky I’m not all that young…29! 😉

    Matt you are spot on with the putting down roots and being here for myself not just the relationship…I suppose I am not even sure of what i want and that’s the problem, it was the problem before too. Because of me being a Christian and him not, I used to feel such guilt about us being together and we broke up numerous times because of the faith issue because I felt so darn guilty. This time around for the first time in my life I just said ‘screw it!’ I’m just going to go and be with him…but it does feel strange.
    I just don’t know if I should admit that the relationship just isn’t right because otherwise I wouldn’t be having these doubts?..I get extremely anxious and feel so guilty for having doubts feeling like I’m lying or something. I do wonder whether being on my own is best, doing what I want and not having these doubts and uncertainties. A couple of months ago when I kind of had an epiphany moment of wanting to totally change my belief system I read “The power of now” by Tolle and it all made sense, I felt I was awake and able to do the things he suggested, I felt so happy and alive. Since getting back with my boyfriend and coming back to be with him it’s like my mind is running the show 24/7 but I just can’t put my finger on the exact issue to know if it’s the relationship or all the changes and yes, moving into his tiny place where there’s no room for my stuff etc so I don’t feel settled.

    Thanks guys x

    August 1, 2014 at 6:01 am #62394
    Matt
    Participant

    Mermaid,

    Doubts are normal, usual, even in the best romances. It doesn’t mean the love isn’t true, it just means roots have been pulled up. Consider talking with him about your doubts, gently… the only real threat from doubt is the distance it places in your hearts. Span the gap, talk it out! Don’t be a tourist in your own life, and don’t be afraid to express your needs to your partner. How else will he know you? How else will you feel known?

    With the clarity and strength after reading “The Power of Now”, yes also normal. A breath of fresh air inspires us, then we have some scrubbing to do. 🙂 Said differently, we often learn quickly, but grow slowly.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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