Hi lotuslotus,

I think what has happened is that you worked so hard for so long, now that you have “arrived”, you essentially crashed. You know how your body suddenly gets sick after you’ve gone through a long ordeal? When it’s “over”, the body says, “Now is the perfect time to reboot” (get sick so you can recover). You are depressed. The shyness/isolation/you miss your boyfriend ~ I’m not saying it’s not real, not at all ~ but to me they seem like mental excuses to keep yourself unhappy. Because you don’t have the energy to get into this new life of yours. The disappointment of “This is it?” now that you’ve arrived have compounded your discouragement too.

What I would do is give it time. Work at your job with no expectations. Do things that interest you with no expectations. Join a place of worship and a gym ~ again with no expectations. Meet your neighbors. Go on local Meet Ups. Volunteer. Again, no expectations. By the end of the year take a step back and critically review your life. I bet you will happily discover you actually have several friends.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

Hi lotuslotus

I think your statement, “Mission accomplished, but deeply unhappy” is key here. Your “mission” for a long time has been to get yourself to exactly the point that you are now from the perspective of qualifications and employment. But your mission hasn’t been focused on your own happiness. So, one mission is accomplished, but now you have another mission to embark on – one which will be far more important for your emotional health and future. The good news is, having succeeded in the first mission, you will easily be capable of succeeding in the other.

Many people in your situation feel a massive sense of anti-climax. “Study hard, get your exams, get a degree, get a job”. It is drummed into us from an early age as if it is all that matters. So we get there, and then what? 40 hours a week sitting at a desk? Is that what all that was for?

Now, as a Dad myself, I’m not going to tell you that all of that was worthless (it wasn’t – you’ve got a job for one thing). But it certainly isn’t everything, and now is the time to focus on you and your own well-being. If you are expecting your work and your colleagues to provide that, well, chances are you are going to be disappointed. this is something you need to do for yourself, and that will bring others into your life.

Start by focusing on the things that you really enjoy, the things that bring you pleasure. Nobody is judging you on them, and you don’t need to consider whether you can make a living out of them. If it is hard to come up with things, think back to when you were very young. What did you love to do? Drawing, painting, running around getting muddy? What things excited you? Was it cars, horses, planes? Whatever it was, write all those things down. (And I’m willing to bet serious money that “sitting at a desk for 40 hours a week” isn’t on your list.)

Now, from that list, what are the two or three things that really leap out at you? Now, think about how you could build more of those activities into your life. It could be by classes, but you could just do these things for fun, or advertise on Facebook for a friend who might have the same interest, or you might just meet people by doing it. But just start. Doesn’t matter what it is. Start. And you will start feeling better and happier. You probably don’t believe me, but that’s fine. Do it anyway. Because these things work whether you believe in them or not.

You mention that you have tried joining activities but the reactions of others has put you off. This happens – sometimes people don’t like the idea of strangers infiltrating their little clique. But look at your actions too. Was it something that you were really interested in anyway, so you could bring some new insights, or was it primarily to meet people? When talking with others, did you come across as “needy” or clingy? Did your attempts at conversation focus on them or on you? Giving people the opportunity to talk about their favourite subject (themselves) will always get a much more positive reaction than telling someone else your life story. The same might apply at work too.

Your long-distance relationship will also be improved if you focus on your own mental well-being. I greatly doubt that you would feel different if you had moved closer – you might well have felt worse, because you would have made your future well-being more reliant on someone else. From your post, a lot of what you are saying reflects the fact that you are looking for others to provide you with the happiness you seek. That’s not a criticism, that’s just human nature. The problem is, we are then handing control of our own happiness over to others. By taking control ourselves, we enhance our own well-being, which in itself actually benefits others – I’m sure you would like your partner to be happy when you are not together, too. You can miss someone dreadfully but still be happy that they are in your life.

So, to summarise, you need to work on yourself, but you are easily capable of it. Just take responsibility for your own happiness, take up an interest of yours, take an interest in other people, and watch as things start moving upwards. The job may still be dull, but that doesn’t mean your life has to be!

Hey Lotus,

Congrats on getting a job on graduating. You worked really hard and you made it.

Now the question is, what next? I know that things must seem harder now in a different way – it must feel strange going to office and just working away on a computer without feeling much of a rapport or connection with the people you work with, after all one spends so many hours of their day there. Obviously it can be quite a bummer! I totally understand it must feel kinda stiff and isolating, especially after you worked so hard – then that whole other issue of relationship problems in long-distance – it gets harder to stay in touch, share the troubles and feel lighter and comforted. I wont say i have the perfect answer for you but all i can say is try to make it a point to have some fun on the weekends with some activity, skype with your significant other once a week atleast and keep texting/calling. Besides, its not like you will work in the same office forever anyway. Eventually, you will have a transition and things will improve.

I suggest you learn to unwind better at the end of a long day – have some healing rituals and just relax, watch some good show, call/text a good friend and then go meet friends in the weekends. Things will get better over time but i really think you gotta focus on work-life balance. And if you are indeed truly unhappy for like many months, even a year, then perhaps indeed you need to look into finding employment in another department. I know its easier said than done but for now, get focused on doing your work well, trying to interact more with your colleagues, especially those outside your team nearer to your age. Talk more to the lady/guy who sits near you. I know its different to have a friend around but for now, make it a point to interact, smile. It is tiring indeed but sometimes in these situations, we have to grow outside of our usual tendencies. The more you close within, the more this depression will engulf you.

This situation isnt forever and you can come out of it well.

Regards,
Moon

Hi anita and everyone!

I think of my mom and step-dad when I hear “Have your goal be Here and Now”.

So this is their life: The Grandkids, Travel, and the Power Squadron. That’s it! Every month they see all the kids/grandkids. They go on a trip for two weeks every season. And they do all their club’s activities. That’s It, Man! When nothing is going on they have their routines. No stress. No “arriving”. No “ambition”. They love those three things and they schedule them in.

They are utterly happy. They have their goals here and now.

By the way, I rushed in the above post (therefore spelling mistakes like “presence” instead of “present” as I often do and rushing is not being mindful. It is all a matter of progress. I am more mindful than I used to be. The pressure to be perfect at mindfulness, “achieving” mindfulness are counter productive motives. It takes escruciating patience.
anita

Hi Again,

What I mean by your loneliness/isolation being excuses:

We feel our feelings, and instead of reaching out to others or being comfortable in our own skin, we say “BUT”. i.e. “I feel isolated BUT the people around me are not very open” (therefore I’ll do nothing and stay miserable). That’s all I meant. Basically I’d rather you stay busy and active, and meet new people rather than stay depressed.

Make a plan for people to see, things to do and places to go this very weekend.

Good Luck!