Anita,

I guess I can understand how that can be a possibility of what is happening but I just can’t pinpoint it. I remember when I was young I would wake up in the middle of the night, or early in the morning and “check” if that OCD was still there. I find myself doing that the last couple of days. He will send me a text and I’ll react, something nice and my brain tells me “eww” or “ugh annoying” or “you don’t feel the same way back”, I’ve been doing the opposite of what my brain tells me and I still continue to show love, affection, and pretend like I am feeling the same way I have always felt to let my OCD ITS not going to win this. I guess I have pretty catastrophic thinking, and I tell myself constantly you’re going to break his heart you’re going to leave him, and I Panic.

Im having just a difficult time feeling this way because this has never happened in our relationship before. I know OCD only targets things that matter, and honestly of exactly 2 years of being together, besides the first 4, these last 6 months have been the best we have ever been and the only time I can actually say I really might marry this guy. Maybe my OCD is targeting him because it’s realizing how much I love him now and how he’s changed completely for me. Before, there was no time for OCD because something was always wrong in our relationship, but now that is has the ability to blossom and really turn into something huge, I am panicking. I read many posts online & they state “if you didn’t love him, you wouldn’t have OCD towards him”, and I try to think this is true and show myself that I really do love him.

I also feel like I make it seem like the end of the world, like okay let’s say my OCD drives me to break up with him out of impulse and a compulsion, the very next day I know I would go back and he would understand and I will realize fast what I want. Just like my childhood when I was always wanting to make up a lie and scared I would tell that lie and ruin someone’s entire life (saying someone hurt me), when in reality if I did I could easily say 5 seconds later I was lying, my OCD freaked me out and made me do that, etc. I tend to think that acting on my OCD in these situations is life or death.

I don’t even crave being alone… yes i love spending time with my friends but it’s not something I would rather do all the time and be single. Another thing you could put into consideration is that where we live, I feel that he is my only best friend. I have plenty of friends there, but really he’s the only one I care to spend time with. Here where we live in the summer, I have my parents, my family, my 2 bestfriends, and just more people. Do you think that my mind is tricking me into thinking I don’t need him becusse I have all these other people? Or that because I am spending time with all these people and I’m fine with not being with him, I don’t love him. I really think my mind is playing tricks on me and I just want to get to the bottom of WHY his HAPPENING now coming home for summer, what caused it, and what I can tell myself is the reason for my feelings/thoughts.

Good morning Anita,

had a pretty tough night last night I think because I was so anxious what you were going to write in the other thread I posted in. Do you have any insight on that? I think your advice on there was amazing and said a lot of what I usually tell myself, you were a child, curious, unaware of what your actions would do to you in the future, 35,z but what scared me was when you said the person is deplorable if they make a mistake more than once, and that’s what I did. I made the mistake several times because I AT the time didn’t know it was wrong I thought it was just strange or I actually didn’t even put much attention to it until I got a little older like most kids. I always say I forgive myself but I don’t think I have. I know you’ve written to be so many times on here wondering what it is why I can’t let myself HAPPY do you think this has something to do with it? Also I’m going to tell you what happened to me yesterday and would appreciate ABY advice you can give me as it took me spiraling down.

My step dad and I spent all day together yesterday alone something we haven’t done in a while. We had the entire day planned to go pick out a new ring for my mom together and eat lunch and that’s what we did. While I was there I was having fun loved looking at rings I was perfectly comfortable etc. occasionally thoughts from my childhood worries would come like “omg imagine he just touched me right now or says something inappropriate or weird and ruins my whole life etc.” remember how this was my biggest scare after watching that movie. But I would ignore the thoughts and still enjoyed the day. And then when I got home the anxiety came flooding in. Idk if it was because I wasn’t able to tell my mom where we were and I was scared she would suspect something weird since we had “lunch” for four hours (becusse she didn’t know about the ring and I can’t tell her) or idk if I was scared she was going to ask me what’s wrong or if I looked weird or something and I was going to have a panic attack because I know my OCD would be like omg lie to her tell her he tried something tell her this etc (childhood again), but pretty much yesterday was NOT a good day for me and I really don’t want to ruin my summer and go into a big slump because of this. I am getting a dog next week and I am so excited and I really just want my OCD to stop ruining my happy days.

If you could please give me some advice on both of these topics I think it would make my entire weekend maybe put me at ease put things into perspective. Because right now I’m thinking I’m some crazy person who was screwed up as a kid and now is still screwed up as an adult for thinking all these weird things. I just want to forgive myself for my previous stupid mistakes and I want a relationship with my dad that doesn’t have these ridiculous thoughts.

Thank you always.