& Barbara. Please read what I just responded to Anita so you can get a clearer picture. I answered much of your questions in that reply 🙂 it would mean the world, thank you. 🙂

Anita,

Thank you a lot for your response. I can start off by saying a LOT happened in my younger childhood that I can tell you about and maybe you can connect it to you? But let me start off by saying why I feel like I do. I was single for 18 years, I felt very independent, i always felt that i was very worthy of an amazing perfect guy because I knew a lot of men wanted me (not to be cocky), so this made me someone that wanted really high standards. So when me and my current boyfriend started dating, I had only the highest expectations, so the moment I didn’t think he treated me like a first priority, I wanted out. Idk if I really wanted out, or if I just wanted to show him that if you don’t make me a priority I don’t need you, I can easily leave. With the lying, idk how that relates to childhood lying because when we first got together, I trusted the guy with my entire life. I never questioned him, we lived in different cities and I never once doubted him, but once I caught him in his first lie, all that trust went away. I hate that this happened so long ago, but I guess I’m caught up on it because I recently just really found out what happened and I obsess that there must be SO MUCH more he’s lying about if he was capable of lying about that one incident and he only told me the 1st time because I messaged the girl and the 2nd time because I brought it up. What if there is an incident that I don’t know about and I don’t ask about SO he doesn’t tell me?? That’s my worry. And it’s an everyday worry of mine.

Now to my childhood, my parents had me very very young at 19. My dad was involved in growing weed, and at the age of 5, he fled the country after breaking his probation. He disappeared from my life on an off for the last 15 years. But…. my mom got remarried when I was 6 and I LOVE my stepdad, HES treated me like his own, has paid for everything for me, adores me to be honest, loves my boyfriend, would do anything for me, he just paid a trip for me to Mexico, he’s been there to back me up and support me through everything. So I wouldn’t say that my biological dad even had a big impact on me… I understand it’s hard to deal with at 5 and it probably was the original cause of my anxiety (but my family has anxiety it’s very genetic SO I wouldn’t blame my anxiety and OCD on anything tragic).

I have currently been texting my dad, he has a phone in the prison apparently and we’ve been talking a lot and I’ve been giving that relationship a chance to form. For a while, i didn’t talk to him, and I did hold a grudge, but I really at this point in time, don’t think I hold him accountable for anything, it’s not like once he left I had a horrible childhood and didn’t have anything. I honestly have more than what he could’ve ever given me. At a young age I was lied to where my dad was, they told me he was working in Europe in a car business, so I was lied to. But idk… i REALLY don’t know IF that causes anything. I’ve never been someone with trust issues, i trust very easily actually. It’s just one you break it, i can’t believe anything. And it sucks that i can say that i haven’t done anything in our ENTIRE relationship to betray him, so it sucks to FEEL betrayed by him. That’s my big issue, the constant question, “do I deserve someone that was perfect from the beginning?”

I have noticed that I wasn’t that nice to him, but when I get angry I tend to just say things that I don’t mean and I just wanted to hurt him so show him how mad I was. So when he told me that first girl pop kissed him, I screamed called him stupid gross disgusting an idiot etc… which is so wrong and I have apologized and haven’t done that in a LONG time, and maybe that’s why we’re so happy at the moment?

Anita,

There was one incident in my life, when I developed I would say my OCD. I watched a film with my mom that really triggered me hard. I wouldn’t say triggered me.. but SCARED the living crap out of me because I feel that I was too young to see that. I really had no idea that people hurt each other in that way, it was a film where a step father was having sex with his daughter. I was TEN years old when I watched that… and really thought the worst thing people could do to each other was physically hit each other, I had no idea sexual abuse was a thing… so it traumatized me and I had to leave the movie. My mom has anxiety, she doesn’t think its a problem, but she CONSTANTLY thinks the worst. So because the movie scared me and I reacted so bad to it.. she thought something had happened to me and would question me and question me constantly asking if I was hiding something and I could tell her anything. And has a 10 year old, that really screwed with my head because I KNEW I wasn’t hiding anything, I knew nothing had happened to me, I know I had never been hurt, but since she kept questioning me, and saw how traumatic that movie was, she didn’t believe me. Until I started to get over it, and just got diagnosed with anxiety when I saw the therapist. Thats when she believed it. This was all tied to my OCD that i didn’t know i had at the time, because i would be tempted to lie and say i was abused, i would be tempted to make up lies, i would rethink my childhood constantly, it drove me crazy. Once I got diagnosed with OCD, everything made sense and I felt confident and still do that nothing happened to me. That I was just too young to watch that film, and I had a step dad myself and it just scared me. But now that I think about it… what my mom did to me, I am doing to my boyfriend. I am making him doubt himself, his morals, his memories, but continually asking him if there is something else, and accusing him of lying to me, exactly what my mom did to me. Crazy how I never connected the two, but you would think that because I knew I wasn’t hiding anything to my mom and I was telling the truth, because Anita i swear I nothing ever happened to me as a child, I would think that he was being honest with me like I was with my mom.

But after all that happened in the 6th grade, I have had the best life since then I can honestly say. It all started to get like this once I felt betrayed by my boyfriend, even though you are wise and you are telling me that he did not do anything wrong, it still hurts because it was so soon and its scary that he was capable of lying to my face. I am a very honest person, I cannot HIDE anything, it drives me crazy unless I tell the truth. Maybe this developed because of the incident with my mom? Because now I feel like I have to tell her everything lol… everything. If i was drunk, if i tried a drug, if I slept with a boy, if i threw a party while she was out of town, if me and my boyfriend are having a problem… i tell her EVERYTHING. just like I tell my boyfriend EVERYTHING, even things he doesn’t need to hear, like my previous experiences with men etc. But I feel guilty not telling him, I feel guilty not telling him if someone flirted with me, I am a big confessor, and I want him to be like me… but the truth is, many people like keeping things to themselves and I can’t change them.

Did this help? Do you really think this could be the issue that ties it all together?

I wish I could say thank you one hundred times for answering me and taking time out of your day to help people with their issues 🙂 great karma is coming your way anita.

Anita,

No I would say that was when it REALLY triggered me and really effected me the most.

My mom was a young mom, 19, she thought this movie was going to be Rated R for language….its called Georgia Rule. It had Lindsey Lohan, one of my favorite childhood actresses, and my mom thought it was about a young girl who was a rebellious high school student who gets sent to live with her grandma… which is was about, but she was rebellious because she was being raped. It was so out of the blue I remember that film like yesterday and I was like HOLY COW what??? I was in shock and traumatized. Wonder how my life would be if I never watched that. Would my OCD have developed eventually? I would say that was one of the most self confusing parts of my life, I was so young and did not know anything. I was so innocent minded and that made me learn about the real world, too soon, before I was ready to learn about those things. But yes please answer, I have been waiting for you response hesitant to see what you have to say 🙂 thank you so much and hope to hear from you in the morning.

I also want to add that I just have a lot of integrity for myself and i never want anyone to think I’m lying. I would be lying right now if I said I didn’t have a doubt that maybe you didn’t believe me, and you’re going to think I’m lying about my childhood. I guess it just stems from my mom not believing me and overanalyzing the situation instead of just believing me and being there for me when I had no idea what anxiety was and why I was having a panic attack, which I didn’t even know what that was until then. That was my first panic attack of my ENTIRE life, until then I was such a happy go free CARE free child. So I just want again to tell you that I am being honest and I am saying this because my OCD has been so good recently especially with that incident, haven’t had anxiety over that in over 5 years, and I don’t want to be triggered again by someone not believing me. But I remember previously you mentioned that you had OCD, so I’m sure you completely understand how OCD manifested itself into that situation and how OCD Is the doubting disease and that’s why I would always doubt myself and if I was forgetting something or lying etc. So please take all this into account when you respond 🙂 I really don’t want to be triggered or doubted again with something like that LOL I would spin all again like OMG did I really act out of the norm that no one believes I was just too young to see that and too much in the girls situation in the film(having a step father that gives me the world) that my young self just FREAKED OUT. And please if you have an idea that you really think this actually has anything to do with why I am doubting my boyfriend when he tells me the truth, etc 🙂 thanks again so much.