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Jealousy!!

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  • March 30, 2016 at 4:46 am #100467
    Ashleigh
    Participant

    Hey there! I have been with my boyfriend for around 7 months now, and have been in a great relationship with him! He is sweet, caring, and thoughtful and we are amazing together. However, I have one issue, he has a ‘girl best friend’ and it drives me crazy with jealousy! I know that he loves me, I really do, but I also don’t understand why he would want to spend time going to see another girl. Does this mean he gets something from her which I cannot give him? They have had a drunken occasion where they have kissed, and it is also his ex girlfriends best friend. I just cannot understand this friendship or what he gets from it.
    I am conflicted with understanding if this is my self-esteem getting insecure, as it threatens my importance in my boyfriends life, or wether or not this is something to be threatened about?
    He has reassured me that he has no feelings for her, but he also talks to her everyday on the phone.
    Please help people! I really need some advice as it would break my heart if our relationship was to fail due to my insecurity.
    Thank you in advance!!

    March 30, 2016 at 8:05 am #100475
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ashbandicute:

    Imagining myself in your place, in the situation as you described it in the short post above, I can see myself feeling very insecure and uncomfortable, threatened and angry at the boyfriend’s relationship with the other woman, especially since they already kissed.

    I too would want to know the nature of his attachment to her, the nature of his feelings for her. And i think I would have the right to know.

    When he said he doesn’t have feelings for her, he meant sexual attraction/ a desire for a relationship involving physical intimacy, correct? Well, if so, then what is the nature of his feelings for her?

    He does have feelings for her. It is very possible that his feelings for her are of a kind that present no danger to you. The thing is, I would want to know. So ask him: what are the feelings he has for her? What does he get out of the daily communication with her?

    Ask and listen intently. When you ask him, make sure you are not blaming him for anything, that you are only looking for information, wanting to understand his feelings and motivations. Then take his answer in, evaluate it, and continue the conversation with him, as you need to.

    Please post again with more thoughts, feelings and hopefully an update following asking him.

    anita

    March 30, 2016 at 8:11 am #100476
    Inky
    Participant

    I hate to admit it, but one time I was “The Girl Best Friend”. Unfortunately, I was also “The One” or “The One That Got Away” (his words ten years later, not my opinion). I’m NOT saying that your BF is like my old guy friend, but… The “best friend”, the calling everyday, the illicit one time kiss… Is this simply innocence, or has it always been bad timing that they never got together? If it wasn’t bad timing, are you sure he didn’t approach her when they were both free and she had turned him down? But they keep each other as Besties because she frankly likes the attention and he likes her?

    It’s tricky. Can you get him away for a long weekend or vacation with no phone/computer? Like a Yoga Retreat? Have him cut down communication to once a week? (Yes, you would come across as the jealous GF) Give him new faces, new experiences, new places? It could be you are insecure and he talks to her out of plain old habit.

    Who knows? Maybe one day the Bestie will acquire a jealous BF!

    Best,

    Inky

    March 31, 2016 at 4:42 pm #100581
    squidgirl
    Participant

    I don’t know if this will help, but my husband has two best girlfriends he grew up with and when we first started dating it drove me crazy. Every time we saw them they would squeal his name and hang all over him…he assured me that he never had feelings for them but it didn’t stop me from feeling crappy about it.

    The truth is, the closer we got and the more time we spent with each other, the less and less he needed to rely on them or see them. Although they still speak occasionally and we did invite them to our wedding, they are not nearly apart of his life the way they were before.

    If what you and your boyfriend have is special, and if it’s meant to work out, then it will. Try not to let this ruin what might be your “the one” because of something that may or may not be happening. You can’t control how other people feel and if they are honest with you or themselves, so if he says you have nothing to worry about you should trust that and go with that.

    I hope everything works out for the best!

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