Thank you for replying.

I’ve felt sad and lonely my whole life, even as a child. I found therapy useful for helping me discover how I’d learnt to not be a bother, make myself small and suppress my emotions. When the emotions do come though, I dont know how to handle them. I feel like a child again. When my therapist asks me to describe how I feel, I honestly don’t know most of the time. I can only say what I think about something instead of how I feel. The sadness and trying to suppress the urge to cry is all I know. I fear that underneath the anxiety, there’s no person there. It’s just a void. I’ve read a lot of advice about the importance of doing inner work and healing childhood wounds but how? That advice is starting to feel glib and inspirational quotes stick in my throat.

I wish I could just catch a moment of how it feels to be happy, normal and well adjusted so I know what I should be aiming for.

I had lots of friends in school but I still felt like the odd one out. In work there was always at least one woman who didn’t like me and I’ve been bullied by them. I’m now afraid to get to know people in and out of work. I’m always friendly but I’m not very chatty. I thought by not drawing attention to myself it would somehow protect me.

My whole focus seems to be on the most recent failed relationship. I’m using that as proof of my worthlessness. I’m still confused if it was abuse. He did things I found very disrespectful and it opened all my insecurities. I told my Mum but she thought I was making a big deal out of nothing. She thinks I’m a bitch and I drive people away. Whether his love was real or not, for that short time it was the most I’ve ever had in my whole life. Why was I so unhappy? Maybe I ruined it by being so insecure

Anita – “So when your mother said you are a b*&^, what it means to me that she rejected your love for her. And your love for her is what is underneath your anxiety. Not a void, but love”

This is a complete revelation to me.

Was it therapy that helped you discover this? All I feel is my body trying to suppress my emotions during my therapy sessions and I’m frustrated. I feel like I need her to tell me the answer because I can’t find it.

I was convinced in my teenage years that l hated my Mother. I realise now I was rebelling against having to chase her for love and validation and sought it from romantic relationships instead. She was extemely hostile towards me during those years. So when I found myself in a physically abusive relationship I had no one to turn to.

Dear Anita/GL

Thank you so much for such insightful comments. This is something I needed to hear a very long time ago. It’s set off a whole chain reaction of thoughts and feelings and memories.

Anita – when I said she’s the only person I have left to talk to I meant my Mother.

I remember at age 12 feeling shame and embarrassment about becoming an adult. I wanted to remain a child because I was scared. I couldn’t talk to my Mother about any issues regarding becoming a woman. She’s very astute and good at reading people, so I’ve always sought her advice. But when it comes to my romantic relationships the advice is more like platitudes. I’m still seeking advice from her about my last relationship but she’s saying how much he probably misses me, regrets what he did etc. This is like a drug to me because that’s what I want to hear. It validates me. Makes me think she means well and wants me know that I did actually mean something to him but its stopping me from moving on and making me more miserable. I’m trapped in this cycle.

Deep down I think I sought therapy to get advice I never got from my Mother, yet I know that’s not how therapy works.

I moved so far away from home not because I wanted to but because I knew I needed to. It was not an exciting, happy feeling like one should get when embarking on such a huge life change. I’d been pushed to my limit. I was running away. But the same problems I ran away from keep repeating. That’s why I’m convinced it’s me that’s the problem. I’m still surrounded by people who are nice to each other but mean and manipulative to me

Dear Anita

If I told her about something someone had done (not a partner) and I was hurt and confused by it she seemed to know their motive. It was her clear, hard tone of voice in they way she explained it to me. I wondered why I hadn’t been able to see it myself. But when I told her about something my recent partner had done, which hurt and  humiliated me, it was no big deal. Which is what he tried to make me believe when I confronted him about it.

In the early stages of the relationship I gushed to her about how attentive and romantic he was and adored me. It felt like she thought because I’ve never had a someone treat me so well that I should just ignore this other little thing that hurt me. So I continued to put up with it, blaming myself for being insecure.

Dear Anita

I haven’t been able to reply to your comments on my last post for a long time. Taking my mother off the pedestal was really difficult. I ended therapy 6 months ago because I felt like my therapist didn’t understand me.

I started a new job 3 months ago (I left my last job after being bullied for 2 years). It didn’t take long for my new co-workers to hate me then the bullying started. My father passed away a month ago. At the same time I moved to a new house and now my new flatmates hate me. I’m lost. I have no where else to go. I don’t know anyone who has had so many people turn against them everywhere they go, so I’m pretty sure I must be the toxic one.

My dad was the only person who stuck up for me and now he’s gone.

I’m in in a country where everyone seems hate me but I have nothing to go back to in my home country. I have a good job here and live in a dream location. Millions of people in the world have it worse than me so how can I possibly mess this up?! It should be so simple. I should be happy.

I don’t reach out and try to make friends as they always turn against me.  When other people try to make friends with me, it seems like they only do it to have an opportunity to actively reject me; inviting me to to go somewhere with them and then turn against me. They pretend to be my friend but they actually hate me. That’s the reason why I’ve always stayed away from everyone as when I do try to socialise, my worst fears come true.

I keep reading advice about making friends but what if you’re just not a likable person?

All I have is strangers on a internet forum. I read your replies to others and I wish I knew you in person. Where are the people like you in the world? Everyone else seems to have someone. I don’t know what I’m doing to make everyone hate me?