I've done something horrible...

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This topic has 9 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 4 months ago by Cindy.

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December 14, 2014 at 3:20 pm #69237

Anne
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You’ve lost a lot – your job, “Tim” and your self image. It will take a while to grieve these losses. The stages you are going through now are the “bargaining” stage of grief – practically definied by the words “what if?” – and anger, which you are turning in on yourself as shame (“It’s all my fault!” kind of feeling, which may later morph to “It’s all HIS fault”) The grief will pass, just give it time. Be sure to eat well and get plenty of exercise – the endophines released are crucial to your recovery. I’m very glad that you have supportive friends and family in this difficult time

December 14, 2014 at 3:44 pm #69238

Cindy
Participant

Thank you, Anne. I appreciate your feedback.

December 14, 2014 at 4:35 pm #69245

Cindy
Participant

I guess I always had the hope that he was going to fall in love with me and leave his wife. Another thing I feel guilty about…wanting their relationship to end so I could have him.

December 14, 2014 at 8:38 pm #69258

Yue
Participant

It seems fair to say that Tim takes the lion’s share of responsibility in this scenario. Afterall, he was the one who was married and the one who chased you. Like Anne said, you are going through a lot of emotions right now and it is not easy to process them, especially when they are all in your mind. As a suggestion, consider writing an apology letter to Tim’s wife outlining everything you feel and how sorry you are. This will give you a chance to articulate the things that’s been going through your mind and provide an outlet for your emotions. But instead of sending it, just burn it (without causing a fire of course). In Bali, some of the locals do this as a symbolic gesture of recognising an issue but once they processed this and learned the lesson from it, they will make an offering to god and let it go.

Things happen for a reason and everyone make mistakes in life. To grow, we need to take on the lesson (as you have) but it is equally important to not dwell on it once it no longer serve us.

December 15, 2014 at 4:53 am #69269
Inky
Participant
Hi clw3,

Everyone of us, whether they admit it or not, have all done stupid things when they’re young. I bet even the wife. And especially Tim (as he never learnt his lessons, did he?) Not to excuse what you did, but when you are five or ten years older than you are now, you will look back and honestly say, “That’s not who I am.”

A way to alleviate guilt is to say, “That’s not who I am” when it comes to coveting another woman’s husband. Even if the wife resurrects herself hell bent on revenge, you can say, “That’s not who I am”. It was a bad mistake, and does not define you. And let’s be honest, Tim himself wasn’t worth all this trouble, was he?

If I could turn back time for you, I wish you wouldn’t have outted yourself to the boss. Yes, not only did you call her bluff, but you gave him karma on a silver platter (the only good thing that came out of this). But it’s too bad you got fired too. Well, I say he got what he deserved!

Stop beating yourself up! Stay away from Tim. He, his wife, and this situation are dead to you.

Blessings,

Inky
- This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
December 15, 2014 at 8:22 am #69278

Barbara
Participant

I have had this done to me – in the distant past. But i can tell you it has affected my trust of men in a disgusting way. What you did was selfish and sneaky and self serving. I have no empathy for you at all. You didnt care until you got caught. You didnt mind doing that to his wife – while she lay beside him.
Frankly – what you did was purely out of ego and the wife is the one who got hurt most.
And he no doubt slept with his wife all the while.
He also told many lies to you – because i can tell you – he still wanted the best of both worlds.
Just move on – but dont look for people to justify it for you. There is zero excuse. Where was your sense of feeling for others ? Where was your thoughts for his wife ?
Once your ego was getting stroked – and whatever else – you carried on.
I wish you no harm, but I wish you to see the hurt has huge concequences. Huge.That woman may never trust again. Please be aware that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

December 15, 2014 at 4:28 pm #69303

Cindy
Participant

Thank you for your responses, Yue and Inky. Yue, I have actually had the apology letter suggested to me before, and I think it’s a good idea. Maybe it will help. Inky, you’re right, that is not who I am, and I don’t want my mistake to define me. I try to keep telling myself that, but it’s hard. Barbara, I’m sorry that you were hurt in your past. I’m not trying to justify or excuse what I did. You’re right…I was being selfish. I was not thinking about anyone else but myself, and even though the wife had herself cheated on Tim, that did not give either me or Tim an excuse to do the same. I will forever regret the part I played in this toxic situation, and all I can do now is try my best to move forward.

December 16, 2014 at 10:55 am #69350

Anne
Participant

Everyone is selfish when they’re in the initial “headrush” stages of love, Cindy. Please understand that yes, you played a part in what happened to Tim and his wife, but it was only a PART. They played their part too. And given the state of their marriage, if it hadn’t been you Tim cheated with, it probably would’ve been someone else.

Tim and his wife are responsible for their own lives and their own happiness from here on in. You are responsible for yours.

December 16, 2014 at 4:32 pm #69375

Cindy
Participant

Thank you, Anne. I appreciate your advice. It’s been very helpful to me. I really did fall for Tim, and it completely blinded me to my sense of right and wrong. I know that’s not an excuse…I still should have known better. I’m trying to see this whole situation as a life lesson. I will learn from it and never repeat this behavior. I do want to feel happy again, but you’re right in what you said in your first post. It will take time to grieve these losses. I will try every day to work toward forgiving myself and becoming a better person. The kindness and understanding of a stranger has helped to give me a push in the right direction, so I thank you. 🙂
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