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I’ve been scared my whole life, now I’m angry.

Home→Forums→Purpose→I’ve been scared my whole life, now I’m angry.

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  • October 15, 2023 at 8:59 pm #423122
    M
    Participant

    Hello all,

    I really hope I’m putting this in the right forum

    Short story:

    Childhood trauma, doesn’t leave much to the imagination which is good in this case because its less I’ll have to explain. Thought I’d been dealing. Was medicated, though no therapy because of a traumatic experience with one. So I’m 34 and nothing’s changed. Actually, that’s not true….it got worse. OCD tendencies, Panic Disorder, GAD, PTSD, Depression and a dash of Borderline exploded all over the place last month. I was spiraling down and being violently verbally abused by my inner critic. My two boys, who know nothing of my trauma or sufferings, were at school. My husband was at work, he is my rock, so i was alone. I couldn’t deal and I knew I didn’t want to die, so I picked up the phone and made an appointment with a licensed therapist.

    Now, I’m angry. I’m angry because this mental mess I am, wasn’t chosen by me and it sure as bananas wasn’t my fault at 7 years old. I know I shouldn’t call what I’m going trhough a mental mess, even though thats what it feels like, because im not broken, even though I feel it. Something happened to me and I’m healing. And I’m angry. I’m soooo angry. He has affected and tainted, insert inappropriate word, every aspect of my life. And it angers me. And that I’m still suffering, angers me. I’m taking this anger and using it. It has transformed into my purpose.

    My purpose is not to live in fear. Me purpose is not to trapped by my past, memories, pain, fear, and just everything. I refuse to live like this. I have purpose. I am going to heal so that me, my family, and life overall will be better. He is literally rotting in prison, and figurately  I never should have been imprisoned with him. I have the key and I’m never going back in. I have purpose.

    Thank you for taking the time to read.

    October 16, 2023 at 2:31 pm #423437
    anita
    Participant

    Dear M:

    Your post is a powerful testimony of childhood trauma, valid anger and transformation, expressed so authentically.

    “He has affected and tainted, insert inappropriate word, every aspect of my life. And it angers me. And that I’m still suffering, angers me. I’m taking this anger and using it. It has transformed into my purpose.

    “My purpose is not to live in fear. Me purpose is not to trapped by my past, memories, pain, fear, and just everything. I refuse to live like this. I have purpose. I am going to heal so that me, my family, and life overall will be better. He is literally rotting in prison, and figurately  I never should have been imprisoned with him. I have the key and I’m never going back in. I have purpose”-

    – POWERFUL. Positively Powerful. Thank you for sharing this and please post again, share more, inspire those who read your words with your purpose, courage and determination…?!

    anita

    November 23, 2023 at 8:19 pm #425577
    Tommy
    Participant

    It is good you went to find help. Where you are now is trying to heal from this past event. I know nothing of it but the scars are showing in your words. Anger is a good first step forward. If you want to truly move on then one must find forgiveness. Not for the person who hurt you. Forgiveness for yourself. It is one of the hardest things to do. To let go.

    Most of us do not live in the world that we desire most. That is called suffering. It is the search to end suffering that leads us to find the truth in the Buddha’s words. Walking the path can free us from suffering. Good luck to you.

    February 7, 2024 at 4:26 am #427658
    -=lvx=-
    Participant

    most everybody goes through intense experiences as a youth. part of this is individuation. but part also is to set ones path.  it’s good to realize tat even if the most intense thing one ever encountered was someone stealing their gumballs a person would remember tat as a low moment for themselves, and seek a different future. that’s not a good example but basically it doesn’t matter exactly what one experiences as a youth, some of it will be the worst that one has even known and that will set ones path for the future. as one grows older things make less of an impression for high or low. the early highs and lows though will set ones feet on their path. it happens to everyone, and is a necessity. imagine never experiencing highs or lows and then trying to be motivated to follow a specific course. it would be mere drudgery.

     

    plus, someone once said, nobody cares about happy people. it’s only the damaged who are interesting. i would further say that only the damaged have something of depth to contribute. happy people got nothing to contribute less it be dope

    -=light in extension=-

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