I’m sorry you are hurting on a yearly cycle. Since you are reaching out for help you are taking a positive step. And congrats on getting sober. Though the title of your post is about your marriage, the advice I have focuses on your second paragraph.
If you are stable your children will experience some stability.
If you are angry at all men your son will be affected more by that than by the amount of females he is around. He will be a man one day too. Your attitude towards men is going to be a part of him.
If you want to work, what is holding you back? Take steps to fix it. I know it will be hard but even if you think you’re unsuccessful now, after a while you will notice you accomplished more than just existing. It just takes longer than we’d like.
That is all you. The hurt over the loss of your best friend will still be there but all of the above could be worked on even if he was around. It’s your part.

The other thing to consider, not sure it’s advice, but I’ve done it myself, is to move somewhere warm. Where is he going every winter? If it’s not the weather maybe it’s the holiday circus he can’t take. Why would he keep coming back after that if he didn’t want to be with you and with his family?

Hello. I am sorry that you are going through this, but it may be a necessary step in your progression towards discovering who you are. It seems like you are beginning to question your relationship, whereas in the past you may have taken how you and he relate for granted or perhaps there was so much going on (i.e. alcoholism) that you did not have the energy or time to question things.

It is not your responsibility to get him to a shrink, that is his problem. But, it is your responsibility to get yourself to a shrink. This may help you to make sense of things and may give you the ability to see your life from new perspectives.

To me, the most interesting point in your post was where you mentioned that you and he were both alcoholics and your relationship was better then. Perhaps your relationship was a codependent one, where you both could enable each other as alcoholics. You freed yourself from that “prison”, and evolved onwards, but maybe the relationship did not evolve onwards. As well, it could be that you both needed each other during your alcohol years just to survive, and that you were there for each other to make it through the day. Now, that you both are living sober, you may not need each other in the same way. However, you may be able to relate each other in different ways, but you both would have to discover that together.

Another question to ponder is how did you both begin drinking? Were you both doing it together? Was it an escape from oppressing or overwhelming problems? If it was a way to escape, what did you both need to escape from? Has that issue been resolved for you both? Because it seems like he is still escaping, but now he is running away rather than drinking away. What is he running from? I do not think it is you, I think it is something inside him or from his past.

I think the key may lie in the alcoholism. Now that you define yourself differently, you must also define your relationship differently. And he also has to want to define the relationship and even himself differently.

You cannot force him to change, you can only change yourself. Perhaps if you met with a therapist, you would be able to see things more clearly and value the special qualities that you bring into this world.