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Issues with an ex or ex's (trust issues)

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  • This topic has 3 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by GL.
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  • #270081
    Victoria
    Participant

    Good Morning all,

    I have not slept and therefore I apologise if this post is not as concise and a bit ramble.

    I am currently trying again with my ex. One issue I am working on is trust. We had a falling out because he was annoyed that I kept saying I didnt trust his ex’s and he disputed this by saying that I should trust him to push them away if they made a move. This is understandable and I now do see his point of view.

    However, I do think that if you believe someone has still got feelings and would act on them (sober, drunk, regardless of emotional state) then I think you should still see them but try and see them in a group or just set boundries.

    So for this relationship to work he needs evidence that I am okay with him seeing these women. He met up with one of them last night, I was busy and didn’t think about it – that was until he sent me a message that said they had gone for drink/food and that she was staying over. Now in his mind that was his was of reassuring me, although unfortunately, this set me off into a spiral of irrational and rational thinking.

    So that is why I am still awake and now stubbornly staying awake because my body clock is messed up already and I have stuff to do.

    The thing is I should not be this anxious about the situation, it should not be affecting me this much to the point where I cannot sleep and will not relax until I hear from him at some point today where he will probably tell me they had a good catch up then watched youtube videos, then tell me how he slept on the sofa or something. Give me reassurance.

    The fact that I know that is the likely outcome of their meetup is a good sign, but the main thing that gets to me is that I do not understand why he is putting so much into these relationships with two people who betrayed him really badly, maybe it is validation? most likely, it is just because he is a nice person. But he has so many friends he doesnt put the same effort into which is what spirals my irrational brain to think “he must still love them”, “maybe this is his way of keeping his options open” and then I just end up being like why won’t they just go away.

    You see I am aware you can be good friends with an ex, and even when I broke up with him I requested we remain friends, but in my mind that meant I would talk to him now and again then gradually once a week would become once a year and we would both move on. To me that is how it works.

    I do not think I will get my point across properly right now but my ultimate question is has anyone else had a boyfriend who has kept in close contact with ex’s to the point where they have helped get them a job at their workplace, help them move house – I guess help with big life events? I am aware that this may come across immature but it would be nice just to get a response from anyone who even just is finding it difficult to deal with a partner’s ex’s if they are still around as it were.

    I will post an update later after a cat nap or something.

    I should add that I have journalled about it so I do feel better than I did five hours ago, I am just concerned that it has affected me so much. My boyfriend does not realise the effect it has on me, for example, because I knew they had had drinks, her relationship isn’t going too well and that me/him have been on/off then I have been in a state of fight or flight all night. I have told my ex about this but he just says that hes not doing anything wrong and that I need to go and see someone about my anxiety. Or just gets annoyed that I don’t trust him.

    It’s a recurring issue for me and all I want from him is understanding. At times deep down I think I almost want him to tell me he wants her because he’s treated her like a girlfriend (thats my irrational brain talking as my ration brain says he’s treated her like he would treat any friend).

    I will post this and try to plan how I am going to manage the day with no sleep.

    I would appreciate any replies

    – V

     

    #270131
    Valora
    Participant

    I don’t think I would be okay with a boyfriend having ANY friend that is a girl stay over. I feel like that is crossing a boundary that should not be crossed. It’s one thing for them to meet up for lunch or dinner, but staying over is putting them in a situation of temptation and that is just asking for trouble. I don’t blame you for being upset! And I think your boyfriend should respect that this bothers you and shouldn’t be done out of respect for you and your relationship. Why put himself in a position of temptation, whether he is trustworthy or not?

    I also have to wonder if your boyfriend would be equally okay with you having an ex-boyfriend stay the night at your house… just as friends.

    As far as ex’s staying friends… I’ve had my own ex’s help me out quite a lot, and I’m still really good friends with some of them, but we’ve been ex’s for 10-15 years, so they really are just really good friends at this point. So I think I’d be okay with my guy being friends with his ex’s from that standpoint, especially if the girl doesn’t really have a lot of guy friends to help her out with the bit stuff. They’ve also slept on my couch before but NEVER when either one of us were dating someone else. No guys (other than my boyfriend), ex or not, stay at my house when I’m dating someone, and I would expect the same from my man. I think your guy might be expecting a little toooooo much from you with this one, but that’s just my opinion.

    #270185
    Victoria
    Participant

    Dear Valora,

    Thank you for your feedback. You see one key aspect here is that they went out 10 years ago so it isn’t like it’s a recent relationship, but it still gets to me at times and recently I have expressed to my boyfriend that I don’t want to come across as controlling and not have him see her, I just want him to sometimes think “isn’t this something her boyfriend should be helping her with”.

    In terms of her staying over I do understand why because hotels are expensive and she commutes so it is easier for her to stay at his and go to work today.

    In terms of my ex’s, we did not stay in touch and even if we did I would not go above and beyond for them in the way he has for her, however again, like you pointed out you are also friends with an ex.

    At times she has gone to a friends that lives nearby, hence another option she could take, meet him for a meal/catch up then stay at a friends. I know it is the easier option to stay at his and that I doubt anything happened.

    I am sure if she knew how I had stayed up all night journal-ling my anxieties and just imagining them having sex (stupid brain) then she would not stay over.

    I think one key aspect here is that he has stated that we will only work if I am okay with him being friends with these people. I honestly do not think he understands or wants to understand my point because as soon as he feels like someone is telling him what to do he will not do it.

    The message he sent me should have been awh thats nice reassurance at least he’s telling me- but instead it felt like he was trying to push my buttons.

    Anyway, I could not stay awake after 10am so I have spent my day asleep which has ruined my schedule, I hope tonight I can catch up on sleep. I am a lot more relaxed now.

    On one hand I am happy he keeps me informed about things because at least he isn’t seeing people behind my back. I do believe I have brought this problem on myself as I wanted to know about his past relationships and for us to be really open with communication, but when I wanted to know about these relationships I did not expect for him to still be actively helping in these peoples lives such as lending them money, helping them through big life changes. Again, I am torn because this is another thing he would do for anyone he knows but I don’t like feeling like there’s more feelings there. Ultimately, I don’t like feeling insecure and as if everyone knows something I do not.

    Although, his family and some of his other friends have made comments about him being so close to his ex so that helps me feel like my views are validated to some degree.

    Sorry for another rant. Thank you ever so much for your reply it was nice to wake up to (: I hope your day has been better than my own.

     

    – V

    #270267
    GL
    Participant

    Dear Victoria,

    Relationships are not easy due to the fact that not many people can read the human heart and not many people are willing to let themselves be vulnerable to anyone, even themselves.

    Now, you are trying to work things out with your ex, but before that, have you both sat down and talk heart to heart about the issues that cropped during your relationship together? You talked about your trust issues and his lack of patience for it yet it is only mentioned about how he gave an ultimatum of being friends with his exes, but relationships can’t function on either or neither. You need compromise in an intimate relationship because if one person get their way all the time, it will only brewed resentment in the other party.

    So have you talked? Have you sat down with each other and let out all your thoughts without judgement, without assumptions or presumptions? And it can’t only be just once, such talk require multiple meetings before anything can be digested and each perspectives put into view. You can’t assumed that just knowing that there are issues will mean that both parties will work toward the issues silently. You might have told him your feelings and he told you his feelings, but that was just speaking, not listening. It didn’t seem like you both tried to understand where the other might be coming from and so you wonder if he understood your feelings yet here you are wondering what his actions are suggesting.

    Communications is not only speaking, but also listening. He might not be a good communicator, but if he really wants your relationship to work, then he will try. But you also have to try. No judgement, no assumptions about each other’s intentions. You cannot fathom another’s intention because you are not them. Unless you say anything or he say anything and you both try to understand without needing to be the one in the right, you both are leaving a wide area of uncertainty between you.

    Talk with your ex, communication is an essential tool in any relationship. If you both don’t let each know about your thoughts and feelings, then only assumptions are there.

    Good luck.

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