Dear jbradford2012:

My answer:

The root of your loneliness- having been painfully betrayed by your mother and your father as a child, day after day, year after year. The two people you needed to love you so desperately, gave you so little and then took it away and more by neglect and abuse.

No pain greater than the pain of an innocent child, all loving, all trusting, all open, vulnerable when betrayed.

“Solutions to fix it”- competent psychotherapy. Stay away from solutions that didn’t solve anything, stay away from more of the same. Don’t rush to not be lonely on your birthday any which way. The healing way is long. Brace yourself for a few years of hard work. The good news in five years you can find yourself in a place in life you can’t imagine now to be possible.

Please do post more.

anita

You are very welcome, jbradford2012. Wishing you the best o your healing journey. Post again, anytime.
anita

Hello,

When you were a child, the people you most depended on let you down repeatedly. For you, that is life’s pattern, so when things are going well, at a new school/church/neighbourhood, subconsciously you are waiting for signs of it all crumbling. The first sign of disappointment inflates into what looks like an incipient crisis so you throw in the towel, before anyone else gets the chance to hurt you again.

These are very deep rooted issues. Another new school/job/neighbourhood won’t change this. Only working on yourself will – that generally means psychotherapy/cognitive behavioural therapy. Anita is right, healing takes a long time. You start by improving your relationship with yourself (this doesn’t mean being self-indulgent, but listening to and respecting your own emotions.) Then start work on just one or two relationships. You’ve got a dog. That’s great. I know this is going to sound odd but even being mindful of your relationship with the dog and actively appreciating it will help with the healing process. Pull gratitude into your life. Try reading The Tools by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels, especially the Gratitude Flow. Write down three things every night that you are grateful for: really small things as well as big things, such as:
the Sun
clean socks
a song you heard on the radio

This will help shift the darkness in the short term.
Oh and as for your birthday, mine’s on Wednesday and I’m spending it without even a dog. And that doesn’t worry me at all.

Painterly