Dear OakPine:

You wrote that she did, eventually, everything you asked for. What those things are, I don’t know. You wrote that those things are not “weird, dangerous, sexual, or against the law”- but what are they?

Knowing what those things are and what were her arguments against doing those things are important for me to understand your post. Perhaps share one or two of those things here?

anita

Dear OakPine:

I read your recent post and re-read your original post. It is my understanding that the reason you are unhappy with her changed behavior is that you are concerned with her motivation, not her behavior.

Her original motivation was selfish, self centered, rude. Unloving. She changed her behavior when she was about to lose what she considers beneficial to her. What motivated her to change her behavior was her benefit, not yours. This is the same motivation she had before she changed her behavior.

Problem is, her motivation now is as it was before: her own benefit while your benefit does not concern her. If I was you, and if my understanding is correct, I wouldn’t be happy either.

This change of behavior is not reliable as it is likely to last until she feels safe with you. For example, if the two of you have a child, and that causes her to feel that you will not leave her, she is likely to return to her old behaviors, or come up with new behaviors just as selfish as the old ones.

She may return to her old behaviors when a new distress appears in her life and she… forgets about the previous distress (fearing to lose you).

What do you think/ feel?

anita

Dear OakPine:

If this is who she is, this is what motivates her on an ongoing basis, then what I would do is terminate the relationship as soon as possible. Reasons:

* her likelihood to return to old selfish behaviors or start new (to you) selfish behaviors.

* I would hate to have a selfish woman be the mother of my children (if that was a plan, to have children), that wouldn’t make her a good mother.

* I wouldn’t be able to … forget or ignore what I know: that I don’t matter to her, that my benefit is not of her concern. This would make me miserable in the relationship regardless of her behaviors. I wouldn’t trust the loving-like behaviors to be indeed, loving.

Regarding you not wanting to hurt her- this is your empathy for her. Notice this: everyone hurts, good and bad people experience pain. It is understandable that you don’t want her to hurt even if she doesn’t mind it when you hurt… but does this mean that if she let’s say beat you up with a baseball bat every morning, that you wouldn’t end the relationship, not wanting to hurt her?

I assume your answer is that you would end the relationship if she beat you up daily with a baseball bat,  even though it will hurt her feelings.

Why would you not end the relationship if she only makes you miserable, if staying with her “only” makes you confused and depressed and stuck and so unhappy?

anita

Hi OakPine,

I agree with Anita. If she cannot sit down & have a successful conversation with you then I feel like there is a very small chance of this relationship lasting. What happens when you have children & for example you disagree with the way she has disciplined them, so you mention this to her (in a positive way) & she gets angry, starts crying, disagrees with you heavily & nothing get resolved? You’ll end up feeling resentful, so will she, the children will pick up on it & possibly use this form of communication (or non-communication) when they grow up, transferring this negative way of communicating. Even if you don’t have children, you’ll both end up feeling resentful because she will feel attacked & you won’t feel heard.

Of course, it would be. 12 years is a long time. It doesn’t necessarily mean this has to be the end, does it? Would you consider a life together if you could sort out your differences, or not?

You will be living a dishonest life if you stayed with her.  You are lying to her.  You will be staying with her out of pity.  What sort of relationship is that, for you and for her?

Hi Oakpine,

Reading your post reminds me of my situation. Let me give you a perspective from the other end. Now each relationship and person is different, I can’t speak for yours and your partner’s.

I was that other person, taking my partner for granted.  We spoke numerous times regarding these issues, I knew what I was doing was wrong and knew that it was hurting him but I couldn’t change my ways no matter how much I wanted to . I hated myself everyday for taking advantage of him and for being the source of unhappiness to him. Don’t get me wrong, we had good days but there could have been much more. I cared for him is the bottom line. I went to seek help, jumped through counselling and concluded after close to a year that I was depressed. I have been my whole life but didn’t think that my short fuse was related to depression. I got the help I needed finally and started to get better. I was able to be the better partner for him but I think it was too late. He, like you said, resented me for all the years we could have had.  He didn’t see me the way he use to.

I wished it was just a simple break, to clear our heads. We both had issues, but we were never on the same page mentally when we had our discussions about them.

I couldn’t see clearly before, I knew what I was doing but I couldn’t make the changes I wanted to for him. Being on medication allowed me to think clearly in general and put to practice all the skills I learnt to be a better partner.  I lost him, I never pictured a life without him and my changes are too late.  I can only offer to be friends and in turn hope to make the changes for myself that initially were meant for him.  Don’t think that her actions now are not genuine, I regretted a lot of the things I didn’t do or did do. If we had the time apart I think I would have seen it more clearly by having a break than a break up.  Communication is the key, when both parties are listening.  Talk it out, make sure both parties know what they want and what they expect out of the relationship and what’s at steak.  I wished we had talked it out much more prior to his decision.  That’s my experience…

Good luck and know that you aren’t alone.