Tilly,

What do you guys think? Did I jump the gun and break it off too fast?

I’m sorry to hear about your break up. Although i have never been through one, i do know what’s like to second guess yourself, to make decisions that you really wish someone else made for you so you could direct your anger outward. I don’t think you jumped the gun, you have made it clear that you two were on the same road but with two different destinations. There are a couple things i hope that i can write that help you understand your decision and overall help you move forward:

1) I believe that love can be broken into two categories = Right timing vs. bad timing. Love is as much if not more about timing than anything else. You can love someone, but unless you are both going towards a similar destination, the relationship will not survive. Of course, this is not to say your love for another won’t diminish or extinguish. In fact, right now your still in love with your ex-partner. You could go back, try to start afresh if you are able to contact him, but at the end of the day, the destinations are not the same. The relationship won’t survive unless someone sacrifices what they want. You weren’t prepared to sacrifice your goals, and there is nothing wrong with that. Any partner or anyone who cares for you wants the best for you. Your feeling guilty because your decision has affected another, affected him in a negative way. But if you were honest, if you were truthful to him about why you felt the way you do, he should respect your wishes (even if he doesn’t agree with your choice)

Will these feelings ever go? Have I made the right choice in the grand scheme of things????

2) You went with your gut. If you have to blame your gut, though it may not talk back… just warning 😉 But you can’t go wrong, no matter how painful, in following your inner feeling. This feeling doesn’t manifest itself because it wants to. It’s the ‘brakes’ if you will, it’s purpose is about survival, and it felt that the relationship was going to undermine your future. We don’t know that, and we never will. But you shouldn’t dwell on what could’ve been. Because in your current frame of mind, it will always morph your perspective. In a week or so you may be hurting, but the feeling of regret will start to slowly seep away. Regret what you have lost, but do not regret nor pine for what you did not have. You are feeling guilty over a future that may or may not have been. You have lost a friend and a lover, something anyone would and should experience, and it will be hard, you will struggle with your emotions and choice, but remember your future is unwritten. You never know, maybe in years to come you two will meet again and start a new. The end of a relationship is nothing more than the chapter coming to a close, it’s not the epilogue. The thought of another woman making your ex happy should not make you feel bad, although, granted it could make you jealous. Jealous that someone else is on his road with the same destination in my mind. It’s hard, but you should be happy if he is happy and vice-versa, if he loved you the way you feel he did/ does, then he will be happy for you too. And you should both be thankful for meeting one another, after all you now know what you love about another person, if only the timing was right. Remember the love, don’t forget experiences you had together. Now let go, let your road take you to your destination, let it be.

I hope this was helpful, i hope the very best for you and your ex,
Sincerely,
Matty

Dear Tilly:

My comments on your post:

You wrote: “I am quite ambitious and want the best in life for myself, but he is not…” You mean materially, correct? And he is in financial debt, living with his parents, so that is not at all attractive to you. It is unattractive, isn’t it? You value being independent, debt free, making a good living, living comfortably in a house and such… and you don’t see him contributing to your valued life style.

And then you are 21 and going to grad school, very much in the beginning of things, too young and not ready to have children. Understandable.

The fact that he loved you so and that you were so comfortable being with him.. in my experience, this is hard to find. This is why you feel that you lost a limb, isn’t it?

Your mother told you that if you have a doubt in a relationship, it is going to get only bigger, the doubt that is. I disagree. Through honest communication, there can be growth of the two individuals and the relationship itself and a new clarity you didn’t imagine before.

Thoughts, feelings?

anita

Dear Tilly:

You are welcome. I understand that you and him have different values. As long as that is so, then how can it possibly be a match? There is a loss, as you know and experience it. This is what makes some choices difficult: there is a loss either way, so you compare the two and accept the one that is less of a loss in the overall scheme of things… It is possible for you to meet a man who will love you a lot and who whose values will be a better match with yours. On the other hand, it is close to impossible to change the values of a grown person. So it is a matter of probabilities and comparison of losses, present losses and losses expected, projected into the future, that is.

If you find value in posting here, please add to this thread whenever you need to. I, for one, will respond.

anita