is this apppropriate?

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This topic has 8 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 7 months ago by Will.

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May 10, 2015 at 9:26 pm #76570

rhonda
Participant

OK, so I am going to get straight to the point and ask this question;

Is it appropriate for a woman (divorcee) to text her ex on mothers day and tell him, “Thank you for making me a mother” when she knows he is involved in another relationship? She recently learned he is seeing someone after being apart for approximately 8 years. She has full custody of the kids so he barely got to see them in all this time.

I appreciate any and all feedback.

May 10, 2015 at 10:04 pm #76571

Matt
Participant

Starfish,

Whether it was a lash or a hook or a hug, I say she deserves a hug back. Its tough to raise kids. The text she sent is false, though. He didn’t make her a mother, she’s always been one. A rose is a rose whether its a sprout, a bud, or a bloom.

With warmth,
Matt

May 11, 2015 at 1:15 am #76575

Will
Participant

It’s a little odd, but without any context I don’t see how it’s a massive problem. Is it appropriate to ask a question about your personal life and relationships as if you didn’t play a role in it?

How does he feel about this? What’s their relationship? How do you feel, and what about it makes you say it’s inappropriate? What are you worried will happen? What does he say when you talk to him about it?

This is one of those interpersonal snags that you’ll have to figure out between you. You can’t get an impartial judgement from the internet to settle your conflict once and for all.

Also, hey Matt! Good to see you again.

May 11, 2015 at 5:27 am #76579

Inky
Participant

Hi Starfish,

This is weird, when I first read it I thought you were the mother that wrote the text! LOL

OK, here’s my interpretation: People get nostalgic. And I’ve noticed this year in particular they were really aggressive with ads for Mother’s Day. It was more like Mother’s Weekend or even Mother’s Week! Maybe she wants him to see the kids. Maybe she’s offering a form of forgiveness (I know it’s hard to believe he could have done anything wrong esp. if you’re seeing him!). Maybe she wants him back! Who knows. If I were him I’d send a simple smiley emoticon back. Or, none at all.

Let it go. It’s not appropriate or inappropriate either. Chalk it up to nostalgia.

May 11, 2015 at 8:16 am #76584
rhonda
Participant
Okay, so what y’all are tellin me is that if a guy happened to have kids by five different women, then it’s perfectly fine for all five women to text him on mothers day, thanking him for making them a mommy? Does it also follow that a woman who had kids by five different men should see no fault in texting each of them and thanking them, despite the fact that they have clearly moved on? Does it follow that a guy should do the same come Father’s Day?

“Thank you for making me a mommy” are very intimate words. They demonstrate an emotional connection that has not been severed. After a year, sure, maybe it’s appropriate. But after 8yrs where you’ve had no contact with the father, and have denied him visitation rights, its okay to send such a message, after you’ve learned he’s become serious with someone else? There’s a reason he’s ex – she made that choice. She walked out. She filed for divorce. She crucified him on social media. Yet despite all this,s it’s appropriate to send such a text? I’d like to see where in my life my brains fell out of my head cos this sounds like someone has not moved on.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by rhonda.
May 11, 2015 at 11:32 am #76602
Inky
Participant
Hi starfish,

Well, this is what can happen if you date a daddy. You don’t know the cast of characters he’s had in the past.

Listen, I told my own sister, “You are Just the Girlfriend. Not only will they not hear you, but they will resent your opinion because after all, you are Just the Girlfriend. Wait until the youngest is an adult. Then, if you marry the guy, you can fill the new role ~ of a wife and mother.”

“Just the Girlfriend” sounds harsh, but that is what it is at the end of the day. My sister didn’t like what I said, but did agree with me.

For you, the texting itself is not a problem. What she wrote is actually not a problem. If he doesn’t like it, then it is a problem. HIS problem. Not your problem. HIS problem.

Be the girlfriend if you want to be. Fun, happy, supportive, loving. Not complaining about the mother of his children. He will love you for it!

I know what I’m saying is harsh, but it is what I’ve said to my sister and would say to my daughter.

P.S. Hi Matt! 🙂
- This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
May 11, 2015 at 12:13 pm #76612

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Starfish:
i struggled and still struggle with similar feelings: jealosy over my husband’s previous marriage and him having adult children with “that other woman.” Does it ring a bell of similarity? I thought only last night, imagining intimate moments he had with that other woman, repeatedly, many more moments time wise than he had with me. I used to go crazy with such thoughts- over time, decades of my life, i relize that such thoughts and feelings about him (and other men i encountered before) have more to do with my feelings and reality of being abandoned – emotionally by my mother- feelings of hurt and betrayal over my mother prefering other people to me, thinking highly of others while thinking lowly of me, treating me like inferior to others…

And i projected those early hurts and anger into my husband. Knowing this helps… but i still don’t like his adult children being in my life. I wish them well but I wish they did not exist… I feel some shame over writing that i wish they didn’t exist. Again, I wish them well, but it is not… convenient for me that they exist as proof of the intimacy he had with … the other woman.

I would like it if you posted again and responded to my post… I am interested in your reactions, in reading more about your feelings about your boyfriend and his past as well as about your feelings about your own past: your childhood, your relationships then and now with your parent/s. Take care:
anita

May 11, 2015 at 12:36 pm #76618

Matt
Participant

Starfish,

Its normal to feel upset when we feel threatened. You’re being a little dramatic, and seem startled and angry she could do such a thing. Five kids five moms five texts? Is five your favorite number? Why not thirty kids? Thirty texts? A hundred?

My teacher said its fine to climb mountains, but don’t try to climb molehills. Instead, step over them. Do you feel a deep insecurity that he still has feelings for her? Or are you just pissed off someone poked into your happy dance? If its the latter, suck it up, we all have baggage. If its the former, talk it out, hug it out with him. Face whatever is there kindly, sort it out. She is an ex after all. Leave her and her “appropriateness” behind you where it belongs. Don’t you have brighter songs to sing?

Sorry if you wanted some allies for a war with his kid’s mother. We respect you too much to do that. Rather, its OK that you’re freaking out a little, scared, but don’t go overboard. Just address it, move on.

With warmth,
Matt

May 12, 2015 at 1:56 am #76648

Will
Participant

Okay, so maybe she’s not moved on. What does that have to do with you?

We can’t help you fix this woman. She’s not the one posting here. You’re the one who’s upset and talking to us, so you’re the only one we can advise. What about this text bothers you so much?
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