Home→Forums→Relationships→Is my friend abusing me?
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October 25, 2022 at 12:27 pm #409031
AnonymousGuestDear Caroline:
Good to read back from you, you are welcome, and I like this huge smiley face, it just made me smile back at it.
“I already behaved in non-passive way several times, maybe it’s not a lot but I know something has changed in me”- congrats, and from my personal experience, there is no such thing as a little when it comes to this kind of practice: every opportunity to practice is as big as any other.
“The other girl who works here says it is becoming a problem and that ‘he would destroy everyone and he is a sociopath‘”- stay away and keep away from him, I say.
“I want to be more brave“- you already are braver than you used to be. With practice, you will be even braver, one day at a time, no pressure!
“I noticed since I do not pressure myself to do something creative, I have more pleasure spending the day whichever way I choose“- no pressure=> no displeasure. Remember this… and practice NP (No Pressure!)
anita
October 25, 2022 at 12:33 pm #409032
CarolineParticipantAnita,
Good to hear from you too.
Sorry about the biiiiig smiley face! If it made you smile back – then I am happy too but no idea how this happened to be this big, ha ha 🙂
no pressure=> no displeasure. Remember this… and practice NP (No Pressure!)
This will be my motto for many days now 🙂
Have a great day! (or night, depends on what is your time zone)
October 25, 2022 at 12:52 pm #409034AnonymousGuestDear Caroline:
I figured that you didn’t intend to have the smiley face so big and that you may feel badly about it, that’s why I added that I liked it- which is true. I too used to feel badly about any mistake I made, even mistakes of no consequence.. or mistakes of positive consequence, like this one. I like your motto, thank you, and have a great day yourself (it is Tues 12:52 pm here)!
anita
October 25, 2022 at 1:19 pm #409035
TeeParticipantDear Caroline,
Unfortunately I ended up not doing anything productive this week but I what I did is took a bike few times to go to the supermarket and thus spent some active quality time
You go to work every day, which is productive… don’t count that as nothing! You deserve to rest and relax, without making yourself feel guilty…. So just enjoy it, as much as you can! In other words, No Pressure! 🙂
As for the smiley: you quoted a paragraph of mine, which ended with a smiley. When you put a smiley in quotation marks, it shows up huge (I guess it’s an error in the script). I know it because I’ve already experienced unintentionally big smileys 🙂 So I guess the best solution is to omit the emoticons from the text you’re quoting…
October 25, 2022 at 1:44 pm #409037CarolineParticipantTee,
thanks for explaining, good to know it happens here 🙂
You go to work every day, which is productive… don’t count that as nothing
You are right!
Thank you for responding, good to hear from you.
Take care 🙂
October 25, 2022 at 1:51 pm #409038TeeParticipantYou’re welcome, Caroline. Good talking to you too!
Take care and take it easy 🙂
November 17, 2022 at 10:18 am #410207AnonymousGuestHow are you, Caroline?
anita
November 18, 2022 at 10:29 am #410228CarolineParticipantHello Anita, I am Ok. I saw your message yesterday and still thinking, looking for right words. I decided to just reply. Thank you for checking up on me. It has been okay mostly. I visited one of my colleague recently, had a really good time (she lives in another city).
I am trying to learn how to have healthy relationships with people but it always ends with me feeling used or taken advantage of.. and being angry or them leaving me for some reason. (I see this pattern with my mom’s friendships, relationships, also people in my family have let me down several times. I grew up in hostile environment – family, school etc). It now has led me to distrusting people at the very beginnings of knowing them which I hate myself for. So it has been tough as well.
November 18, 2022 at 11:32 am #410230AnonymousGuestDear Caroline:
You are welcome, good to read back from you! And it is good to read that you are okay and that you had a really good time visiting a work colleague.
“I saw your message yesterday and still thinking, looking for right words“- you don’t have to be very careful here: you can type your words for me without much care because I will not punish you for wrong wording. I know that you have a good heart and therefore, you don’t have to… use perfect words and perfect sentences.
“I am trying to learn how to have healthy relationships with people but it always ends with me feeling used or taken advantage of, and being angry, or them leaving me for some reason“-
On Oct 22, I wrote to you: “Unfortunately, old perspectives and old thinking are remarkably persistent because they are habitual… your old thinking will not disappear just because new thinking appeared… the old thinking will automatically return. You will have to repeat the new perspective and new thinking until these become your new habit”.
The old perspectives include what you described today. It takes time to form new thought habits and new behavioral habits, such as behaving assertively with people (the faking-it-till-you-make it, which we discussed previously).
“It now has led me to distrusting people at the very beginnings of knowing them which I hate myself for“- you closed your Oct 21 post with: “I will be more kind to myself“– hating yourself is not kind. Whenever you feel hate for yourself, turn to empathy. For example, when you notice distrustful thoughts about people at the very beginning of meeting them, and feeling self-hate for that distrust, think to yourself something like: I must have been so hurt by people… I was so hurt by people, this is why I developed distrust. See yourself as a hurt, little Caroline and feel compassion for her.
With compassion to Caroline and change of habits, you will develop healthy enough relationships with healthy enough people (I say enough because no person and no relationship is perfectly healthy).
anita
November 18, 2022 at 12:05 pm #410232CarolineParticipantAnita, I wanted to say I was thinking a lot about our talks lately and that I am very grateful we have those here. Again thank you for this and for reaching out.
you don’t have to be very careful here: you can type your words for me without much care because I will not punish you for wrong wording.
That is very kind. Of course, I would never think you would be angry or disappointed with my bad wording, yet I do not want to seem like I miss any of your valuable thoughts.
hating yourself is not kind. Whenever you feel hate for yourself, turn to empathy.
I still fail to be kind to myself. I think about that you wrote and then I forget to use it in life. Still thinking about myself as a fraud. I think I need time.
I feel less passive in general, though, more grounded. Learning to have my opinion, to be critical.
How are you, Anita?
November 18, 2022 at 12:48 pm #410236AnonymousGuestDear Caroline:
You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation and kind words! I am fine, thank you, the weather here has been so pleasantly unusual for this time of the year: sunny, bright blue skies, it’s a mood elevator.
“I do not want to seem like I miss any of your valuable thoughts“- I used to expect perfection from myself: to respond to every single thing someone says to me (so that they don’t feel ignored and get angry), to word myself perfectly (so that…again, others will not get angry at me). This expectation brought me so much misery because I repeatedly failed to be perfect, and every failure felt like proof that I was indeed severely inadequate and inferior to others.
And all along, perfections has been impossible: impossible for me as well as for any other human being.
“Still thinking about myself as a fraud. I think I need time“- what kinds of thoughts in regard to being a fraud did you have lately, and in what circumstances, if I may ask?
“I feel less passive in general, though, more grounded. Learning to have my opinion, to be critical“- excellent, Caroline, you are doing well!
anita
November 30, 2022 at 7:40 am #411000AnonymousGuestThinking about you, Caroline, hoping that you remember to be kind to yourself!
anita
November 30, 2022 at 8:40 am #411003CarolineParticipantHello Anita,
I have been writing this twice since last week, refreshed the page and lost the text.. and then it happened again.
“the weather here has been so pleasantly unusual for this time of the year: sunny, bright blue skies, it’s a mood elevator.”
When it is so gloomy outside and I almost forget how sunny it can be, there’s always this one beautiful, sunny day and it makes everything better.
“And all along, perfections has been impossible: impossible for me as well as for any other human being.” – I admire how kind you are, Anita, to others, to yourself. Yes, now I remember and more and more often I tell myself to be kind.. to myself.
“what kinds of thoughts in regard to being a fraud did you have lately, and in what circumstances, if I may ask?” – it regards mostly work and my colleagues. They are so creative, fun, tell a lot of interesting stories, have hobbies. I started listening more ambitious music. They inspire me but I also have this fear of seem boring to them.
November 30, 2022 at 9:11 am #411004AnonymousGuestDear Caroline:
Good to read back from you! It is no longer sunny here, but snowy, bright from the white snow. Thank you for your kind words, Caroline! In regard to you saying earlier: “still thinking about myself as a fraud”, you explained: “my colleagues.. are so creative, fun, tell a lot of interesting stories, have hobbies… They inspire me but I also have this fear of being seen boring to them“.
The word fraud means to deceive someone: to intentionally present yourself not as you are, so to deceive someone. Being afraid of being seen as boring… how is it connected to fraud?
anita
November 30, 2022 at 9:37 am #411005CarolineParticipant“The word fraud means to deceive someone: to intentionally present yourself not as you are, so to deceive someone. Being afraid of being seen as boring… how is it connected to fraud?”
When I am around my colleagues I pretend to be energetic and fun. The girl I work with, she is younger and very optimistic, she talks a lot. I think I may seem boring and dull compared to her/them. Every time she calls me (we work in home office so the only contact is chat or calls) I prepare myself to sound happy when in reality I am very calm. She even said to me “You do not talk much” when both of them do… Unfortunately I often do not have ideas on what to say.
One time I called the guy we work with and he also seemed very calm while not in a group of people. But he has interesting stories to tell, he has experience, travelled… She, on the other hand, played in a band, lives near mountains so she shows us beautiful pictures.
I worry they will see I do not have much to offer.
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