Is it time to let him go?

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 4 months ago by xWhy.

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December 8, 2014 at 5:07 am #68898

Inky
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Hi Kim,

The first question you absolutely must have the answer to is has he slept with anyone else in the flesh? The phone thing you can chalk up to his mommy issues, and to fantasy. But if he is talking polyandry, that he can’t be with one woman, and taking breaks you have to be sure there is no girl friend in the background. It seems you are getting caught up in his psyco-babble.

In my humble opinion, hire a private investigator so you know exactly what (or who!) you’re dealing with.

If there is a woman in the background (flesh and blood), end it, let her have him. You could fight for him and “win”, but you would always be fighting phantoms as you can’t trust him. If it’s just internet chat, see a marriage councilor.

December 8, 2014 at 6:06 am #68899

Hayley
Participant

Thanks Inky. I feel absolutely certain that he hasn’t had an affair or a girlfriend on the side. Well..99% certain I guess. He is the kind of person that nothing is ever enough-he is always searching for more, in an desperate attempt to fill a void we both dont understand. He longs to feel content and it makes me very sad that he cant see how wonderful his life currently is

December 8, 2014 at 6:54 am #68902

lovechoppedliver
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Hello, It does sound like he has lost the love/inlove feeling he once had for you and yet you both are best of friends and very comfortable with each other it is not enough for him and he seems to crave something else sexually. Once you are apart he probably realises that it is not as easy to get that sexual feeling and closeness he desires with someone else. Then he seems to come back to you. I am sure he misses you when you are apart BUT you deserve someone who wants to be with you all the time and loves you for you. Toss him as the roller coaster he is on is going to cause you emotional issues in the future and how can you trust him when he has hurt you so much already… for nothing.

December 8, 2014 at 8:43 am #68913

Lou
Participant

Hi, Kim. I have to call a spade a spade here, and say that he sounds as though he has been extremely selfish in his treatment of you. It actually sounds like he’s a narcissist to be honest. You’re the only one who gets to choose how people treat you, and if you’re willing to be his “trampoline” to come back to again and again, your whole life with him is going to be confusing like this. I’m really sorry to perhaps be the first person to say this to you, but he’s being abusive. He’s not being respectful of your feelings, and he feels that no matter how badly he treats you, he’ll always be able to come back and you’ll be there. I’ve seen the pattern so many times (I had an abusive family growing up, and was in a group of men and women who had abusive partners). His behaviour fits the pattern of abuse – it isn’t always physical, and psychological abuse can cause more harm than physical can.I’d like to add that emotional and psychological cheating is still cheating.

Imagine bringing children into this situation. Children won’t make him stay if he has that type of personality. It’s up to you what you decide to do, but you sound like a lovely person and you could have a partner in your life who respects you and really loves and commits to you, instead of this man who yo-yo’s between you and these other women.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best of luck.

December 10, 2014 at 1:03 am #69032

xWhy
Participant

Dear Kim,
He has an admittedly selfish side and trouble committing, and you married him? Then he acts on these character flaws and you continue to believe that you are in love? What are you in love with? Really, you are in “love” with him and can’t let go of him because you can’t have him. If he were ever to commit to you, you would no longer feel “love” for him and leave. So you need to leave, figure out what real love is, them try again. When you figure out what real love is, you may opt for casual sex for the rest of your life, because it can be very, very tough to choose to love someone.
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