How long were you together?

Since you are okay with not having your own children, I think the biggest barrier in your relationship seems to be that he didn’t want to live with you (or anyone else). Would that have been okay with you or would you eventually want to move the relationship forward to living together and maybe eventually marriage?

If you want to live together eventually and he doesn’t, the relationship was bound to break down sooner or later, and given you want children, it’s better to happen sooner than later so that hopefully you can meet someone who wants the same things as you, but take time to get over this relationship first. You’ve only been out of contact for a week so it’s completely reasonable that you’re still feeling a pull toward him because you still hold that attachment to him and that takes time to release.

So maybe think about it… especially if not living together was going to eventually be a deal breaker for you, then it’s better you broke up and it’s better to just allow yourself to gradually detach from him as you’re able and move on. I wouldn’t advise staying friends with him or talking to him though until you feel you’ve let go of him.

Dear Claire,

I think your BF made his moves all too quickly, and then thought better of it. It’s only been a few months, but you were introduced to his children and his parents very early on. I think he has the proverbial ‘cold feet’ and feels he has jumped in too soon for him to be comfortable with the situation he himself has created. It’s not your fault. You have been given mixed messages here, but given the time span, it all seems a little rushed.

It must be very hard to get your head around the fact that it’s over, as those mixed messages he gave you led you to believe that, one day, you might have a future together. I feel for you.

I feel for those children of his as well, as it sounds as though they were fond of you.

Would you agree that he rushed into things with you? Did you think at the time that he was rushing the relationship along at a fast rate?

Best wishes, Jay

Dear Claire:

You are 37, had a few months long fast moving relationship with a man who is a father to two children, 11 and 13. He was the driving force in the relationship and he introduced you to his children and to his parents. Then he broke up with you. He said that he wants to remain friends.

Here is perhaps a key sentence in what you shared: “for the first time in my life I felt love for him”- you mean that for the first time in your life, being 37, you felt love for a man?

anita

Dear Claire:

He told you that he wants to remain friends, and you wrote that you didn’t have contact with him for a week. What about the friendship?

anita

Dear Claire:

My summary of what you shared and my understanding of it:

You met a man, a father of two children who showed real interest in you-  he was the driving force in the relationship and you followed his lead. He introduced you to his parents and to his children early on. You got on well with his parents and with his children. You felt safer in this relationship with him than in any relationship with a man before him. It felt like “for the first time in my life I felt love for (a man)” because he showed more interest in you than men before him (?)

When he broke up with you, a few months after the beginning of the relationship, it was “a rea shock” for you because you felt safe with him, safer than before, more trusting of a future with him than ever before. You imagined your life with him and now, “I just don’t want to see my life without him and his children in it”. And you wonder if you did something wrong, maybe if you “slowed it down, maybe we would have lasted longer!!”

More of my thoughts: reads to me that he is impulsive and not too responsible. The impulsive and irresponsible part was introducing you to his children too soon. When he broke up with you his son cried and his daughter must have been very saddened, having stated to you before that you were the best girlfriend her father ever had. I suppose he introduced previous girlfriends to his children, this is why his daughter was able to compare you to his previous girlfriends.

While the relationship with him was going strong, you didn’t know that he was impulsive, did you.. you believed as time went on that he was sure that you were the one for you, correct?

But now, if you see that he was impulsive and somewhat irresponsible, you can look back at the relationship with this understanding and see things you didn’t see before. If you are interested in doing that, looking back, sharing here what happened before, it may help you figure out what to do next, figure out if there is a reasonable chance of this relationship to resume, or not.

If you choose to look back and share here, for this purpose, please do and I will reply, aiming at better understanding of what happened and what is likely to happen.

anita

Dear Claire:

You brought up a couple of things:

1. His wife cheated on him and “therefore pushed away anything that means he may end up hurt again”. If that is the reason he broke up with you, it means that he wasn’t afraid in the beginning of the relationship when he took the lead and pushed it forward. But he got afraid later..? I would think that a man hurt that a wife cheated on him is likely to be cautious and not rush a relationship forward like he did with you.

2. You wrote that he is “very head strong.. does what he wants to do.. once he gets something in his head he goes with it”, and then you wrote: “I just have to wait and see what he thinks after he has reflected on our relationship“-

-but if he gets something in his head and goes with it, and that something in his head was to break up with you, and he indeed went with it and broke up with you, he is not likely to reflect on the relationship and rethink his decision to break up, don’t you think?

anita