Is it love or just attachment?

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This topic has 24 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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February 6, 2018 at 10:26 am #191055

Mark
Participant

Gee,

I can understand you are missing a good friend, a confidant, someone who takes the time to care and listen to you. That’s a good friend.

I see in relationships we can have various kinds of intimacies: sexual, physical, intellectual, spiritual, and emotional. I know sometimes for me that emotional intimacy evokes a desire to create a romantic relationship with the other person. I do have emotional intimacy with my close friends. You don’t have to have a romantic relationship with people you are intimate with.

I would encourage you to find others whom you can share yourself with.

Mark

February 6, 2018 at 8:36 pm #191123

Geean
Participant

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your words. It’s actually becoming clear to me now that I am just feeling too attached to him. I’ve actually thought about it before but something in my mind rather in my heart says that it’s not just an attachment. I do love him.
I agree that I am missing him, I am missing the time we have spent together. I think I just have to “ACCEPT” that he isn’t part of my everyday life now. Maybe I am still hanging on to him because he said that I’m “IMPORTANT” to him. And because of this, I am still hoping that he’ll reach me or contact me to prove it to me.

So I can say that, it might be an attachment. I might just need some help on how to move on and stop hoping that he’ll message me.

February 6, 2018 at 8:44 pm #191125

Geean
Participant

Dear Mark,

Yes that’s true. I was telling Anita earlier that I miss him and the times that we have spent together. Though I do think that it’s my fault for falling for him because he doesn’t have any intentions of making me fall. I just developed these feelings for him because he made me feel special. He also said that I’m IMPORTANT to him so I am holding on to that word. He’s really sweet to me and I got used to it. He’s a really good friend and is someone special to me. I guess that in able for me to be at peace is to ACCEPT the fact that he doesn’t feel the same, and things won’t be the same as before. Yes, I actually share problems and stories to my other friends, though he’s the only that really knows all the problems and stories in my life. Thank you so much for the encouragement, it uplifts me. Hopefully, I will be able to move on from him and sort my feelings thereafter.

February 7, 2018 at 4:15 am #191171

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Geean:

You are welcome. I understand better: he made you feel important. This is very powerful, to be important to someone, to be attended to as an important person. No wonder you feel attached to him, attached to the feeling of being important to someone, and safe in telling him so much about yourself. Safe and Important, a powerful combination.

Remember this combination as you meet other men, single men, in your future, today, tomorrow, anytime. Aim at a love relationship with a man with whom you feel Safe and Important, like you felt with this man.

anita

February 8, 2018 at 5:49 am #191445

Geean
Participant

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for giving me some of your time and for your advise. It’s getting clearer to me now that I’m attached to this person.

But to be honest, I don’t know what to do since I feel really lonely right now that he’s not messaging me anymore. I always think of him whenever I’m alone, then I will start to cry. I just don’t know how to detach myself or my feelings for him. And because if this, it greatly affects my mood. Maybe, I need to hear it directly from him that he won’t talk to me anymore so that I won’t be hoping for him to reach me anymore.

But then again, I’ll try my best not to think of him and get over him. Thank you for your kind words.

February 8, 2018 at 6:00 am #191449

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Geean:

You are welcome. It may help you to get in touch with your experience of not being important to someone, how that felt, in comparison to this recent feeling. Would you like to look into that, describing here that other experience, of not being important to someone who was important to you?

anita

February 8, 2018 at 6:07 am #191453

Geean
Participant

Anita,

I’ve thought of that a couple of times. I tried telling myself that before this feeling, I’m not so affected if I’m that important. It’s just that I get so used to it that he’s given me a lot of attention before, and now, he made me feel like I was not even his friend, which really hurts because I really like him.

That’s why I think that it might help me move on if we have some kind of closure, or he will tell me that he doesn’t care anymore so that I won’t get my hopes up.

February 8, 2018 at 6:52 am #191461

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Geean:

Reads to me that you already have your hopes up, too late to not get your hopes up.

You want him to … crush your hopes because you are still hoping. I suppose you got used to feeling not that important and it felt comfortable. Feeling important to someone was exhilarating. Then losing it is quite devastating. So you want to get used to not being important once again, more peaceful that way?

anita

February 9, 2018 at 5:50 am #191599

Geean
Participant

Dear Anita,

Yes, that’s totally right. The feeling of being important to someone, and being cared for are new to me. I finally sort it out. I’ve never been in a relationship nor ever been in love with someone. And maybe that’s the reason why I’m feeling this way right now. But I think he is still special since I have a lot of people who cares for me but I don’t feel the same way like I do for him.

Nonetheless, I really want my feelings for him to fade away so that I won’t be miserable who’s always thinking of him and hoping that he’ll nessage me one day.. I think he should just hurt my feelings so that it may be easier for me to move on.

February 9, 2018 at 6:52 am #191607

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Geean:

If he wasn’t married I think it may be a good idea to contact him and ask him about his feelings for you. But he is married. By contacting him and asking him about his feelings for you, or expressing yours and such, I am afraid that will be an invitation for an extra marital affair on his part. I wouldn’t like to encourage that in any way.

You wrote that “a lot of people who cares for me but I don’t feel the same way like I do for him”- would you like to elaborate on that?

anita

September 24, 2018 at 12:12 pm #190971

mr bee
Participant

Mark, I think the compassion meditation about expressing “May he be well…” is an effective way to approach this healing. This is a practice I regularly engage in and I feel it is a powerful tool. Thanks for sharing and all the best.
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