Is he sick of me or just stressed? Feeling REALLY anxious

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This topic has 18 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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August 16, 2018 at 8:59 am #221735

Anonymous
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Hi guys! So my anxiety has been worse than usual. My boyfriend and i have been together for about 7 months and I tend to get anxiety from relationships because I was in an abusive relationship. I tend to overthink, overanalyze, and freak myself out. Now I feel like the worst I have ever felt.

My boyfriend is currently in the process of moving but hasn’t found a place yet. He’s also looking for a new job. I know he’s stressed because he’s told me so while drunk and seems different. I know this and keep telling myself this. Also he’s struggled with depression before and I’m worried he’s there again. My anxiety on the other hand…

For about two-threeish weeks, things have felt different for me. I feel like I’m losing him. I saw him this past Sunday, and on the way to our destination, we were quiet and it freaked me out. I felt awkward. That happened Friday too. I keep overthinking our person and text conversations: are we talking the same as before? or is it awkward? And he HAS been asking to see me more often, he took me to meet his grandmother like two weeks ago, he’s invited me to hang out with his best friends. But i’m still so anxious. And when we’re drunk, he’s usually super affectionate and constantly saying he loves me but when we were drunk Sunday, he didn’t. We were with other people so I figured it was that. I want to talk to him but I know my anxiety worries him and i don’t want to make things worse. It’s small things like him not saying he loves me first or using the heart emoji instead of typing out I love you (he’s always saying *heart emoji* u). Today, he told me he’s worried about his move and I offered to help and he kinda ignored my comment and just asked me about my job interview. I feel like I’ve been annoying him lately, in fact, i KNOW he’s annoyed which is why I’m so anxious. I don’t know if it’s because of his personal stuff that is making him get annoyed easily or just me. I don’t know what to do.

August 16, 2018 at 9:33 am #221737

Tiny Potato
Participant

From what you’re saying it sounds as if he is still very committed to you, and that his changes in behaviour are more than likely coming from the stress that you say he is dealing with outside of the relationship. To be honest, he probably needs you more than ever, but you of course have your needs as well, and if there is anything that makes you feel insecure and anxious, which there seems to be, it would be good to communicate that to your boyfriend.

If anxiety if a genuine problem for you, your boyfriend should be there to help you – you should not feel the need to hide it from him for fear of his reaction. Especially seeing as you seem to be very caring and thoughtful of his personal issues. Maybe easing him in to a conversation about it would be better?

August 16, 2018 at 9:54 am #221747

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lola:

“I don’t know what to do”, you wrote. Did you consider attending psychotherapy/ counseling for your anxiety? If so, did you and how was your experience in therapy?

anita

August 16, 2018 at 10:35 am #221759

Anonymous
Inactive

Thank you guys! This brought me some relief! 🙂 I do worry he feels like he can’t come to me for this. Like i want to ask him how he’s move stuff is going or his job search but i get anxious that I seem controlling so I don’t. I worry I talk about me too much even tho I ask him how he’s doing/about his day every single day. I know he knows I care about him, he told me no one else has loved him as much as me. But my anxiety tries to ruin every good thing.

Anita-I am currently seeing a therapist! It does help the days after I see her but then back to feeling like this. I only can afford to see her every other week 🙁

August 16, 2018 at 10:40 am #221763

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lola:

My former therapist gave me material to read and homework assignments to do in between sessions. I don’t suppose your therapist does that?

My therapist taught me skills to help me with anxiety, particularly the skill of Mindfulness. Do you know much about the term? If not, there is plenty of material in books, magazines and online on Mindfulness, which is a hot topic in modern psychotherapy as well as in popular culture.

anita

August 16, 2018 at 10:40 am #221765

Tiny Potato
Participant

I have a friend with anxiety and the way you write is actually very similar to her. She says painting helps her a lot. It might be advice you’ve heard a thousand times, but perhaps an activity that requires concentration but not much thinking would help ease your worries?

August 16, 2018 at 7:15 pm #221833

Anonymous
Inactive

I’m going to try painting! I like drawing, and watching movies helps me get my mind off things. I saw him at the gym today and we kinda fought because I let my anxiety control me and I was being snappy and rude and we kept arguing. He texted me when I left asking if I was okay and then later I asked if we could talk about something important and he seemed very worried but I just said I was sorry, why I act like I do, and that he can always tell me if he needs hi space and that I’m here for him for anything. I’m worried, like TERRIFIED, that I made things worse for his stress/that he’s getting sick of dealing with my mental illness but I just gotta ignore that for now, I guess.

August 16, 2018 at 8:17 pm #221835

Prash
Participant

Dear Lola,

It is good that you have things that help you get your mind off things. The purpose of these though should be to calm you so that you can deal with the other issues more effectively.

Honest communication with your boyfriend about your anxiety issues after you are relatively calm could be what you can try. You will be able to better help him in his stress once you are calm yourself.

You mentioned feeling better after therapy and a day after that also. Look at things that have worked for you. Thoughts tend to go at a rapid pace during anxiety, slowing them down and crystallizing them by writing the thoughts can help in giving you direction.

Take care

August 17, 2018 at 4:01 am #221865

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lola:

You wrote: “we kinda fought because I let my anxiety control me and I was being snappy and rude… I’m worried, like TERRIFIED, that I made things worse… but I just gotta ignore that for now, I guess”- no, don’t ignore it.

First thing for you to work on in psychotherapy and otherwise is to control your anxiety enough so to not become aggressive toward him. When you are aggressive, being rude to him, you really are putting the relationship at risk, and you are hurting him, you are doing wrong by him.

So focus on not being aggressive with him no matter how you feel. It is possible to feel anxious and yet, to say nothing. To leave the situation (take time out, take your space) and return to communicating with him when you are calm.

anita

August 17, 2018 at 7:56 am #221881

Anonymous
Inactive

That is what I plan to do! I just hope i didn’t do too much damage. It’s scaring me so much that I did.

August 17, 2018 at 8:07 am #221887

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lola:

Some of our fears are not realistic and some are. It is important to distinguish between the two groups of fears. Like I wrote to you a bit earlier, when you display aggression toward a person you claim to love, you harm the person and the relationship. Best you can do is learn from it and not repeat. There is no use in ruminating over it. The only use is in correcting your behavior.

For as long as you are focused solely on how you feel, and you don’t consider how your behavior affects another, or consider it as less important, there will be little healing, if any. As the social animals that we are, we have a social responsibility to do no harm to others. Our personal distress does not justify harming others.

I suggest making a practice of seeing the bigger picture, seeing beyond Lola-and-Lola’s-anxiety. See that your behavior with others promotes your mental health by being socially responsible as well as responsible for yourself.

anita

August 20, 2018 at 9:47 am #222199

Anonymous
Inactive

I read an article last week about how relationships aren’t always 100% exciting and that helped me a lot but I’ve been feeling sooo scared that my boyfriend is losing feelings for me like sometimes his texts are so dry and I know he hates texting but it seems more than usual lately idj I feel awkward like he doesn’t wanna see me and I know he has stuff going on but it’s scaring me so much and I should just talk to him about it and I will when I see him outside the gym hopefully this week but it sucks 🙁 idk what to do. Like when I sent him that booty picture yesterday he said awww baby and how it was so awesome that I did that and thank you blah blah idk if that was like a good response? I should really stop overthinking but I’m really scared. I’m praying that everything’s okay. On Saturday when my mom, aunt and I went to the gym, my mom said he looks at me very lovingly and it made me happy so why do I feel like this I can’t tell if it’s my anxiety or not.

August 21, 2018 at 3:37 pm #222439

Anonymous
Inactive

For the past two weeks, he’s been asking to see me instead of me asking and I asked him today if he was free this week (btw I haven’t seen him since last monday) and he said i dont know and im so sorry baby and I feel bad for being upset and crying about it. I told him not to worry and I understand he’s busy but I can’t stop crying I feel like he wishes I was out of his life. I’m so terrified of being abandonded and I feel like he’s going to leave just like everyone else has.

August 22, 2018 at 2:48 am #222489

maggie mac
Participant

Just for today, promise yourself that no matter how you feel, you will act like everything is fine. Say the things you would say if you were happy. Act like the relationship is perfect. Just for one day don’t let your anxiety rule your life. If you cannot say anything positive just don’t talk much. Just listen to him. Smile.

You need to get some positive experience behind you so you can break this chain of thinking he wants you out of his life. What you are feeling are your anxiety and stress and you are projecting it on to him and the relationship.

You need some time without your emotions running the show.

Act like you have the best relationship in the world. Be happy even if you don’t feel it. Small changes in our brain chemistry are very helpful.

Give your cares to God and ask Him to relieve you of your anxiety. Sit and just breathe. Push against this anxiety and try not to let it rule over you.

I hope you will get relief.

August 22, 2018 at 4:17 pm #222623

Anonymous
Inactive

@maggie mac, thank you so much! I’m definitely going to try that. I got to see him at the gym today and things at first were bad. I told him I was going (he works there) and when I got there, he wasn’t at his desk so my anxiety was like “he’s hiding from you!” so I started crying and I texted my sister and she said some things that made me feel 10x worse. I stayed and did my work out though and I’m so so proud of myself. After, I saw him and he said he missed me and he’s really sorry for not being around much and explained he’s using his days off this week to move stuff out of his apartment. We talked and joked around and I felt better. I did get sad because customers came in and he had to go and he just patted my arm and told me to drive safe, he didn’t say he loves me like he always does. He texted me later and told me he’s sorry he got busy and again, I got anxious that he didn’t ask me if I got home okay like he always does. Small stuff like this makes me feel like he doesn’t love me anymore. It’s becoming really hard to deal with my anxiety. Thankfully, I see my therapist this week and hopefully that brings some relief. I’m also thinking about getting medication. I feel like my anxiety is less intense when I’m on it.
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