fbpx
Menu

Is he serious about me?

Home→Forums→Relationships→Is he serious about me?

New Reply
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • June 2, 2015 at 9:55 pm #77642
    Reena
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    Im just new to this forum thing on TB but i constantly read articles from here which i find very helpful. I have an issue of my own and im sick of looking to google and possibly annoying my SO. So, i have recently (2months together) gotten back together with my ex after no contact for a year; we have been together for a total of 7 years but were very rocky during the past 3 years. The reason for our recent breakup was because he didnt support me in what i wanted to do in life and hardly gave me the reassurance i needed and on my behalf I guess I didnt respect his space and always wanted to know what we were. These past 2 months have been great, he tells me I can count on him and he will be there, we have shared our experiences in the past year which in turn allowed for open communication for the both of us, he tells me he supports what i want to do and i have encouraged his goals in life. At one point he told me that he was scared but that he was also happy that we are both trying again and that he is commited to me and only me. I can understand why he would be scared as i have the same fears too; that we will both get hurt again. One night he asked me if i ‘feel that way’ for him, as in Love, i told him that I feel it growing, he responded by saying ‘I feel it building and i have faith and hope that we can make it’. I know these words are very reassuring and his actions tell me alot but i believe in actions. Today, i asked him if he was still scared, he replied with ‘I am not so much scared anymore but cautious and that he is very happy with the way we are’. I am not rushing the three words from him, i know that for sure because I want us to be able to trust each other and also build a friendship.

    Now what I would like to have insight on is if he is serious about me? All opinions welcome =)

    Thanks guys!

    June 3, 2015 at 4:57 am #77646
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi reena89,

    I think he is serious in that he spent most of his adult life with you. And, doesn’t know anything else! He doesn’t know what “serious” or “supportive” looks like, because he is in his comfortable zone, and always has been. Reading in between the lines, he sounds a tad immature or not quite ready to marry the love of his life.

    Just My Opine,

    Inky

    June 3, 2015 at 5:20 am #77647
    Reena
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    Thank you for your input, like i said i am welcoming to all opinions. I know we are not at that stage to marry yet; i have my career to start and he has his. Im okay with that, i would never play tug of war with him on anything he is passionate about. What im asking is if he is in it for real this time after breaking up and making up for 3 years, after a year off from each other. I dont want to be a passing stage in life with anyone.

    Reena

    June 3, 2015 at 5:33 am #77648
    Inky
    Participant

    Well, you both sound young, and I picked up that he can be a little immature. He might THINK he’s serious/for real, but seven years is a long time ~ for anyone! I know I’m being a Debbie Downer, and maybe I just need another cup of coffee right now LOL. I mean, he could surprise you, but it will probably be more of the same, you know? He is what he is. He’s not in a Passing Stage of Life, he’s just ~ there.

    Hmm, I don’t know. Maybe someone else can weigh in here..

    June 3, 2015 at 7:38 am #77655
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear reena89:
    I read your post twice, attentively. I didn’t pick up on anything dishonest about him. He “sounds” from your writing like an honest person. Sounds to me like you can trust his words. He is cautiously optimistic about your relationship. That means he is not SURE and that he is telling you he is not sure. I think it is admirable that he is honest enough to tell you that. Not being sure is not an “evil” thing on his part. He can’t help but feel what he feels. The question is can you live with the way he feels?

    You wrote: “I know these words are very reassuring and his actions tell me alot but i believe in actions.” I wonder about this sentence and maybe you can explain it to me:
    His words, you wrote, are “very reassuring” – of what, I ask?
    His actions tell you a lot- what are his actions telling you?
    When you write “BUT i believe in actions.” What actions do you wish he will make?

    Would like you sharing more and will be glad to respond again, if you’d like.
    anita

    June 3, 2015 at 1:16 pm #77697
    Chaya
    Participant

    Hi Reena,

    I can share my own experience, as I’ve dated an ex a second time. We actually just broke up for the second time, and this time we’re both certain that we’re not for each other. Meaning, there was a reason that we broke up the first time, and it hadn’t changed when we started dating a second time. Regardless of the specifics of my situation, I would suggest some thinking about why you guys broke up in the first place. Ask yourself if anything’s changed since then. If things have, then you’re likely doing fine.

    ChayCups

    June 3, 2015 at 2:45 pm #77700
    Reena
    Participant

    @ Inky,
    I admit i have done my fair share of mistakes in the relationship. But in the previous 3 yrs of trying, we lost the ability to trust each other and more over be kind and develop a friendship with one another. This time, all of the above that was missing, is present in our relationship.

    @ Anita and Chaycups
    Thank you for your input and Chaycups, thank you for sharing your experience with me.

    I can accept that he is cautious because I am cautious about us too, although i am hopeful that we are headed in the right direction. I understand and accept that he is cautious about us because with what we have been through, it has not only hurt myself but him also.

    He reassures me by telling me that he is committed/loyal to me. His actions, such as giving me sentimental gifts (something he was hesistant to do within the 3 yrs we were trying because i gave every gift he gave to back to him when we first broke up), by opening up to me again about his feelings, worries, family and basically personal things in his life he wouldnt disclose to me in previous years, and more over he is more soft hearted. I also feel more appreciated that he does these things for me.

    I am just worried that he may get comfortable becuase hes happy where we are and stop doing things that would encourage us to grow and develop as a couple. Anita, I wonder though, when you said he was not sure but then is cautiously optimistic, what do you mean? Could you explain and little further?

    June 3, 2015 at 5:00 pm #77701
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Reena:
    I read your original post and above post attentively. I tried to pay close attention to everything you wrote. Here is my input:

    I read your distress, your disomfort about where the relationship is going. You are focused on the destination: him proposing to you, I assume? This is the danger I see to the relationship: your desperate need for assurance.

    From what you describe I see no red flags about your boyfriend. Often in posts about bfs- gfs, there are plenty of red flags and troubling aspects but not at all in what you wrote. He seems- from your writing- like a decent, honest man, and that is HUGE. I am happy for you in this regard.

    And nobody can tell the future.

    If your anxiousness increases, your need to tell the future gets stronger you are going to miss the journey while focusing on the destination. Your impatience and distress over the destination needs to get under your control.

    This relationship is an opportunity for you to work on personal stuff in the context of this interpersonal relationship. It will probably be a good idea if you focus on what is happening with you, what you need to do to heal yourself, to evolve as I term it, improving yourself and the relationship, focusing on the journey, not the destination. Don’t hide your vulnerability- share it (as you have) but don’t burder him with it. You are responsible for your feelings. You can ask for his help but not expect him to make all the pain go away. I hope you see my point.

    I know little about you and even less about him. He is not sure about spending the rest of his life with you- or moving in with you (whatever the destination is in your mind)- he told you: “i have faith and hope that we can make it.”

    Do you know what “we can MAKE IT” means- is it moving in together? Getting married? I assume “make it” is the same as your destination but you didn’t mention what your destination means. When he said he is cautious that means he has some fear of danger, the danger is breaking up, so obviously he is not sure.

    I hope you see though that it is not all up to him and it is not about the destination. I read earlier today a post from 2013 about a young woman who achieved her destination, had a glorious wedding that was planned for a year and a half. The day of the wedding though she found out he cheated on her on the same day! She reached her destination but has lived in misery since, not a Happily-Ever-After story. I personally know of a woman who had a beautiful, fancy wedding- a fancy destination. But what followed a few years later is a miserable relationship. The examples are many, millions… Please do not focus on the destination. Focus on the journey and you ARE WAY MORE LIKELY TO REACH YOUR DESTINATION. Get to know yourself and him- enjoy the process.

    Your impatience and distress over destination will get to him and burden him. If you try to do “all the right things” so that he will propose (the destination ?) – you will be ineffective and manipulative and not the quality, authentic woman you want to be…?

    If indeed he is the quality guy he may very well be- enjoy your time with him now- be authentic. Make it about you first, navigate your own ship so to speak. I hope I am clear about what i mean???
    anita

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.